Monday, February 28, 2011

Live Like Turtles

The weekend felt like it was never going to end for me, and I am so happy it is finally Monday again.  For me, that means a few hours of silence/freedom while my kids are at school.  After being moody and burnt-out on Saturday, I was dreading going to the birthday party we'd already RSVP'd to, but I reluctantly dragged myself along with my family.  It was for the daughter of the lady who used to babysit my boys when I was working.  The house was full of noisy kids running up and down the stairs, chasing the dog and squealing.  It was quite a spectacle!  It also marked the first time I have seen someone who hasn't seen me at this weight.  The babysitter asked, "So, did you lose a bunch of weight or what?"  I said yes.  I wasn't sure if she said that because she'd seen my pics on Facebook, or if she could tell by looking at me, as I had a baggy zip-up sweater on, but it was nice to have someone other than my husband say it; someone who knows me.
Yesterday (Sunday) I was testing out the waters to see if I was going to do my weight work or not.  Then I made a big hypocrite of myself.  After all that preaching about not using foreign chemicals just for the sake of improving one's outter image, I took one of my husband's fat burners.  He was telling me how awesome they make him feel, and the great workout he gets because of it, so I took half a dose (1 pill).  A half hour later I was in the middle of one of my most intense workouts yet.  They keep getting more and more intense.  I felt pretty good afterwords, but I don't plan on taking any more of those, I just wanted to try it.  I will never hide the fact that I am a caffeine addict and will probably always enjoy the way caffeine makes me feel.  Right now, I drink about 4 cups of coffee each morning, sometimes more.    Anyway, I worked out hard yesterday, despite telling myself I need a break. 
Today I was woken early again, my youngest is starting to develope a nasty habit of waking up at 5:30 AM.  Despite getting a fair amount of sleep, I felt so drained this morning that I wanted to do nothing more than spend the entire day on the couch.  Even with that in the back of my head, I was still leaving room in my plans to sneak in a workout.  Its like I feel if I take a break for a day or two, that everything I've gained will be lost, and that is dangerous thinking.  So to occupy myself I wasted some time going thrift shopping.  I found some cute things, and it wasted more time than I meant to.  It was so tempting to stop somewhere to get some food, but I resisted.  It is one thing to give yourself the day off of training, to heal your body, its quite another to indulge in things you don't need on top of it.  So, I have decided that I am going to take today and tomorrow off of exercise, but keep my diet right on track, then if I feel rested by Wednesday I will begin again. 
Today, Dr. Ruth was on the Nate Berkus show, and Nate was helping her to redecorate her apartment.  She is quite a fascinating person.  She said that her father was taken by nazis and she was sent to live in Switzerland, an orphan.  She is also a sniper, who would've thought?  Anyway, Dr. Ruth has a lot of turtle decorations in her house and she explained why she loves turtles, because if they want to go somewhere, they have to stick their necks out and become completely vulnerable.  What a cool thought!  And now, in some ways, we who dream big truly do live like turtles!  Happy Monday everyone!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Flat

Sorry for yesterday's bummer post.  I was so tired/flat/off yesterday, mentally and physically.  With lack of sleep, an ear infection looming, and my kids constant fighting, I allowed little things to get under my skin.  I even got a haircut to try and lift my mood, and since I cut off my dreadlocks in 2008, this is the first haircut I have actually liked right off the bat,without needing it to grow out.  Major triumph! 
When it came time for my weight training, I was debating whether or not to do it, being that my ears were(occassionally) crackling painfully when I swallowed, and just generally stuffed up.  I decided to not let myself off the hook, and did the workout.  The first two sets got me warmed up for quite possibly the hardest I've ever worked myself on my third set to failure.  When I got done, I felt nauseous, shakey, tired and grumpy, which is the opposite of how I usually feel after an awesome workout.  It really felt like it took the wind out of my already-droopy sails.  So, when my husband came home from work and asked me what we were going to do for the evening, I said, without hesitation, "Pizza and movies."  And so it was.  Well actually, pizza and DVR'd American Idol.  Domino's Pacific Veggie pizza is awesome.  Then again, what pizza isn't?  I had three peices of za and felt better for an hour of so, and then the sore throat and ear ache came on again.  Maybe I am overtraining.  It's not like I'm spending hours on end training, but when I do workout I really push myself.  Maybe I will skip my weight work tomorrow and just rest.  My ears are still crackling/painful today, but I did my intense interval cardio this morning just the same.  I will wait it out over the weekend, and if not better by Monday, I'll have to go to the doc again.  Blah! 
The pizza packed on a few pounds, of which I am hoping is mostly water (holy salt!).  Weigh-in and measurements coming in a few days!  Hoping I have positive results to report.  Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Rant

I had a dream last night, about a friend of mine who passed away last summer.  She was the kind of friend everyone should have in this lifetime.  If you needed something, not only would she give you what she had, but go begging on your behalf, just to make sure you were covered.  The world could be crumbling beneath her and she would still be charming everyone with her contageous glow.  She had a way of making everyone feel like everything was going to be alright.  She had been in a toxic marriage for more than ten years, which included some physical and verbal abuse, and her husband abusing drugs, and in the span of six months, went through a major surgery on her back, a car accident that led to a surgery on her neck, and a historectomy.  All of which, irritated her husband so much that he saw fit to get fired from his high-paying job and turn to drugs.  When she finally got the strength to leave her husband and move herself and her six year old son out on their own, she finally got the chance to heal and focus on herself.  She was always a beautiful girl, carmel skin and even richer hair color, big brown eyes, and a smile that lit the room.   But her new independence left her feeling she needed improvement, so she decided to have plastic surgery.  As soon as she was put under, her heart stopped, and they were not able to revive her.  When I first heard the news, I was first sad, then angry.  Why on earth would she feel the need for plastic surgery, she was beautiful.  But years of verbal abuse, coupled by working in an environment with women twenty years younger, and living in (of all cities) Las Vegas, all added up to her feeling insufficient.  And because of that, the world has lost a great soul.
My husband, having been in the body building network in Vegas, has lost two of his body building friends in the last five months, one to suicide and one to heart attack.  Which makes me realize that, feeling obligated to look a certain way is universal across the genders.  For women, we are on the ultimate persuit to not be fat, for men, to not be skinny.  We put all kinds of things in our bodies, searching for some magic shortcut to our "dream" body, and figure the world will be ours once we look the way society tells us we should.  There is so much emphasis on body image, that no one is thinking about health.  And worse than that, we try to justify the use of things that give a short-term benefit, but do long-term damage to our organs.  But more and more, the images we are being shown are of anorexic women and juiced up men.  Neither of those things are acheivable through normal, healthy habits, yet that's what we are all striving to acheive.  And we are so acceptable of the chemicals it takes to get that way.  We tell ourselves that its OK to take these things for a little while, and then once it gets us to our magical place, we'll get off and work really hard to maintain.  Truth is, some of these things start doing their damage early on, and you may not reach that magical place.  But no one wants to hear about the side effects right, we just want to "fix" the things that make us feel unworthy.  And now, plastic surgery is the norm.  If you are a thirty year old woman and you haven't gone under the knife yet, you are either a model, or something is wrong with you mentally.  Everyone and their brother is signing up for gastric bypass surgery, and they are making it easier and easier for people to get accepted, even people who have less than 100 pounds to lose, so why wouldn't someone who is fat and depressed sign up for a little magic?  How about the pounds and pounds of saggy, flopping skin that will soon hang where the fat once was?  Not being able to eat more than an ounce or two of food, and most foods make you throw up?  Being thin on the outside, but still having the emotional and self esteem problems of your former fat self?  Sounds like a drag.   And while I realize some people do truly need GB surgery to save their lives, I think far too many people use it as a backup plan, in case they don't want to do it themselves.  And it is all because we measure our self-worth by how we look.  We are willing to put our lives at risk in order to make our bodies look like someone else's idea of "right" or "good".  We need to start focusing on what is important, mental and physical health, so we stop losing so many good people.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Right Time

Here's the right way to start a day, with owl eggs.  Maybe I should have saved them and tried to sell them on Ebay, there may have been some devine intervention involved.  They tasted good, at any rate.
My youngest son turned six today, I can't believe it's been six years.  I made some sugar cookies, per his request, and frosted them with cream cheese frosting and decorated them with food coloring "pens".  FYI, food coloring pens do not make your life easier, they are a pain in the behind and you will end up with multi-colored hands, hoping you don't get an interview in the next few days.  I made the cookies after dinner,  and I'd already had my workout taken care of, and my belly was full of spinach and tomato salad with ground turkey.  The cookies smelled great while they were baking, but as soon as I took one in my hand to frost it, my hand got greasy.  The grease from the cookie, combined with the smell of the frosting, made me fully aware of how my stomach felt last time I indulged (read, ate nearly all of ) those cookies in the past.  I remember I felt like I was going to throw up, have a major intestinal war, or die.  I actually shuddered at the smell of the cookies and frosting, and I wasn't tempted to eat any of it, not even a lick of my fingers.  I kept thinking about my new dress, and how I want to be able to wear it next time my husband and I go out on the town, which may be around spring break time, about a month from now.  That is a reasonable goal.  So, in the battle between me and the nice-smelling cookies, I won without any competition.  Easy.
Wow, only 157 days left until the close of the contest.  I joined the Eat Clean Diet Makeover Challenge about halfway through the contest, and I haven't expected to win it, but it has given me a feasible goal to drive me and keep me focused.  It has helped me feel I need to be accountable, because there is something to measure my progress by, a deadline to be watchful of.  At times, when my resolve is threatening to slip, I remind myself that I sent my "before" photos to a group of people I don't know, and ask myself how I want my "after" photos to look.  My whole life I have had issues with not following through on things I start.  I get halfway through and realize that it's too hard and being lazy is soooo easy, and I quit.  I have never been "the best" at something, never pushed myself to get great at anything other than my job.  Let me tell you, I am an awesome optician.  Who no one will hire.  At any rate, this weight loss journey, this time, is about pushing myself to accept the fact that I am awesome at more than just selling people eye glasses.  In the past, when I would listen to someone talk about following their dreams, I knew that, for most "normal-sized" people that meant being an actor or musician or being rich.  For me, the dream was always to lose weight and be happy with my body, but I always looked at it as an impossible dream because I had tried so many times and failed.  I felt I just didn't have it in me, and had resigned myself to being fat forever.  Talk about a depressing way to live.  Now I am learning, proving to myself, that I have the power to do whatever I set my mind to.  And the difference this time is that I want my dream so much more than I want the things I have to sacrafice in order to acheive my goals.  The truth is, many of the things I thought I wanted or thought would be so hard to give up, were just a result of my sugar addiction, a chemical reaction, and once I took care of those cravings, I don't really feel like I am sacrificing all that much, except sweat and depression.   All my life I had known that I would eventually live healthy, I could see it in my mind, a different person, happy and fit.  I kept telling myself and my husband that I KNEW I would do it someday, "when the time is right". And every time I made an attempt to start again, I made sure I was mentally ready to commit to the sacrafice.  Most of the time I was just talking myself into being ready.  I have had some good attempts, learned a lot from my successes and failures alike, and discovered that each time I try again, it gets a little easier.  I imagine losing weight is like quitting smoking, those who succeed have had their share of failed attempts, but have learned from each experience.   It's never too late for it to be "the right time".  If you throw a noodle at the wall enough times, eventually it's going to stick.  You will never know what you've got in you until you put youserlf out there.  And if you fail, you will have a wealth of knowledge about what doesn't work for you.  It truly is about the journey, about the stuff we're made of, and the fact that we have others to share with and learn from makes the journey all the sweeter. 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Hunting for Treasure

Today was the first day this week that both of my kids are at school, so I finally have a few minutes to blog.  When I woke up this morning, I felt like thrifting, so I indulged.  There is little else that feels as good as finding a really unique treasure for an amazing price.  And, I have nearly NO clothes that actually fit me anymore, so I went with the dual purpose of finding clothes, and figuring out what size I really am.  I only ended up more confused.  Clothing sizes are so weird.  I fit into a wide range of sizes, and I didn't fit into an equally, and often overlapping, range of sizes.  I was confused.  I was pulling stuff off the shelf that I would never even bother to try before, just because of the size on the tag.  And there, in the midst of my adventure, I found my treasure!  A short-sleeve dress suit in my favorite color, black (fat girl uniform).  It was a size 14, and I thought to myself, yeah, right!  But, in the interest of seeing where I stood, I tried it on.  The skirt fit, and it even zipped and buttoned.  As I started to say Yeah,but...I stopped myself and made the decision that I truly loved this outfit and I was going to buy it for myself no matter how far away I was from fitting in it, and it would be incentive to keep pushing.  As I pulled on the top, I looked at myself in the mirror in amazement when I could not only get the top on, but buttoned.  Granted, the buttons aren't exactly happy, I still have a few more pounds to go before I can comfortably wear this outfit, but the fact is, I got a size 14 on me and it didn't rip or squish my arms out like dough bursting out of a pastry bag.  I think 10 more pounds should do it before this baby fits the way it should.  And, until then, it will power every workout.  This is one of the selfish reasons I have always had for wanting to lose weight, to be able to dress as cool as I feel my personality is. 
So, I am feeling a bit silly for taking photos of myself, it's not something I've done in the past.  God knows, I hated having my picture taken before I started losing weight.  But now, sometimes I feel like I have to, in order to prove to myself that the results are not only real, but visible.  What a trip this is for the mind, to accept that you look different than you have always looked.  It's like having a dream that you've lost a tooth, you have to check and double-check once you awake.  So, I am going to post a pic of me in my new treasure.  If I look happy, that's because I am ecstatic!  Hope everyone is having a fantastic week.  If not, maybe it's time to go treasure hunting!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Mind Over Matter

Welcome to my new readers!  It is great to meet like-minded people who are having a go at it.   Losing weight can be so hard, and so many attempts end in disappointment, it's inspiring to see so many people soldiering on, even through the struggles of life.
For those of you who are new to my blog, you will hear me talking a lot about Las Vegas, where I lived for 5 years, and desperately want to move back to.  This, our second winter back in the midwest, has been fairly tollerable, but I'm still dreaming of the desert.  I guess it's better I'm dreaming of the desert than dreaming of dessert.  Last week it was in the high 40's, the snow was melting so fast that streams of melted snow flowed into the sewers with enough force to power a small village, and my favorite part; the sidewalks were crystal clear and dry.  Today I woke up to a foot of snow that was blowing all over and for a minute my heart sank a bit.  But this is a new me, so I quickly changed my attitude.  It's just snow, and since the kids have a snow day, I don't have to drive anywhere in it, so I get to just be cozy in my house.  Sometimes changes happen so quickly that we just revert to a learned or habitual response to things instead of thinking them through. 
Struggles with food are the same.  A lot of the times I am wanting to eat something unconstructive are times when I am getting an outside cue from something I've done in the past.  Friday night, for instance, I wanted to have a special dinner, go out to eat or order in.  It wasn't because I mentally needed a cheat meal, but it was the habitual cue that the week was done, my husband was home and I wanted to have a cool, family meal.  We didn't have a special meal that night, and I was a bit disappointed, but I got over it.  Part of the reason I have been able to stay on track this time is because I actually like the food I'm eating.  We did go out to one of my favorite restaurants on Saturday, and I thoroughly enjoyed some Mahi Steak fajitas.  YUM!  I had my cheat meal and got right back on track.  For me, eating in a restaurant with my family is a really warm, inviting experience, and the atmosphere is just as satisfying as the food.  It was actually a fairly clean meal, but I did eat some tortillas and a few chips with salsa.  Eating out at least once on the weekend has become a habit for me, and even though I keep my food choices pretty clean, it would disappoint me if we didn't eat out at least once on the weekend.  Moreso for the habit and the feelings involved than the actual food. 
Lately I have been dreading my weight workout days and I know why, because since I have been doing the last set to failure, it is truly kicking my butt.  I actually push myself outside my comfort zone, and I really hate the weak, shakey feeling I get once I'm done with a hard weight session.  I know that it is good, and means I actually did something for myself, but the feeling bugs me a little.  Thankfully, it passes quickly.  If I let my feelings rule my actions, I would never weight train, and that would be so destructive.  So, even though I don't love it, I love the results it produces, and I like the dream of what it will bring as I press on.  As long as I continue to think about things instead of allowing knee-jerk reactions to take over, I should be able to lick this thing.  It feels good to be on top, for once!  Happy Monday everyone!

Friday, February 18, 2011

I've Got More In Me


Such a cool day!

Yesterday was so fun.  I woke up feeling energized and happy, as if something big was going to happen.  I was thinking it might be the day I get the job I've been hoping for.  I saw a number I liked on the scale.  I accomplished my 50th blog on The Big Fat Hurt.  Life was just perfect.  My entire body was humming, the way you feel after a great meal.  My circuit workout thouroughly kicked my butt, and when I was finished, I felt so good about the effert I exerted that I looked in the mirror and told myself, "You're one strong mutha'", which made me laugh.  After circuits, I went for a walk outside for cardio.  It was in the high 40's and misting, and it felt like spring, which only heightened my already soaring spirits.  On my walk, I encountered not one but two attractive men out walking (one of them had a beautiful dog) and exchanged hellos with each of them.  I felt like the world was coming toward me because, for the first time ever, I was open to it.  That sounds like the book The Secret, which I read in a totally cynical mindset, but now I am thinking there might be something to that theory.  I can't expect people to want to be around me, if I am trying to shut the world out.  Once I open myself up, it allows the light in. 
When I got home from my half hour cardio session, my lungs were hurting, but I wasn't feeling anything else but GOOD.  I went to the mirror to see if I looked as happy as I felt. I did.  It doesn't translate well in the photos, but it's there, the twinkle in my eye.  When I looked back at the photos, I couldn't believe what I saw.  I look at myself in the mirror all the time, but the photos really stunned me.  Do my neck and shoulders really look like that?  I haven't seen my body as anything but obese in so long, that the photos looked wrong to me.  Afterwards I put on a former tight-fitting shirt and it hung off me like a maternity top.  Guess it's true.  And the best part about it is, I'm not even done. 
A few years ago, when I was trying to lose weight on my own, through sheer willpower, I made myself a journal of sorts, mostly photos of women whose physiques inspire me, cut from Oxygen magazine.  Around the photos I would write famous quotes or make up phrases of my own, to help inspire me.  One of my favorites was a photo of a fitness model, nice and muscular, lifting a weight with such power and determination.  Below the photo I put my own words: I've got MORE in me!  And sometimes, when I am lifting to failure and I think I am almost at that point, I say that phrase to myself and helps push me beyond my comfort zone.  For every person who assumed I was weak, lazy, and would never be able to stick to something healthy, and to all my self-neglect and abuse, I had found a phrase that helped me dig deep and find out my own true grit.  Beginning a journey to health begins with, and needs to be continually renewed by, your mind.  
What's your favorite phrase? 
Yesterday was awesome, and today is shaping up to be a repeat.  Hope you all have an awesome day as well!






Thursday, February 17, 2011

Bring on Spring!

169.  I rubbed my eyes in disbelief when I saw the number on my scale this morning.  I don't know why I am losing this weight, I have just returned to my exercise plan after nearly a week off due to illness.  I wonder if my antibiotic has anything to do with it, it has given me some GI issues the past couple days.  I guess I am just happy to see the numbers falling down, but I am worried that they won't be permanent, because I am not doing anything very different than last month, when I stayed at 178-9 for nearly an entire month. 
Then again, I have stopped putting creamer in my cofee in the morning.  I always use the sugar-free kind, but it still has calories and a small amount of fat.  I like the way it tastes, and when I have it in the house, I pour more than I should into each cup, and I drink at least 4 cups/day.  I guess that could be one of the reasons.  I will intentionally not buy it from now on.  I have also cut back slightly on my fruit and grains consumption from 3 down to 2 servings of each per day.  None of this was planned, we are just struggling financially right now. 
I have been thinking about a career path again lately, and I am still somewhat drawn to the culinary arts.  The fact that you can be expressive and make your food an artform is intriguing to me.  I am a big Gordon Ramsay fan, and this morning, just for fun I checked out his website.  There is a tab for "careers".  Can you imagine working for one of the best chefs in the world?  It sounds very inviting on the website, and there are several openings in his restaurants abroad.  That made me dig a little deeper and check out what is involved in becoming a chef.  It is really hard work.  Then I wondered, does being a foodie neccessarily make you a good fit for being in the culinary field?  If I could chose a place to work, it would be Charm City Cakes.  I think making cakes would be so fun.  Those folks are seriously talented.  All of these thoughts led me to yet another question, is it possible to be a fit chef/pastry chef?  Hmmm... 
I am in such high spirits today, and only a little bit of it has to do with the scale.  I got such great sleep last night that I woke up feeling so refreshed and rejuvinated, then I went outside and it felt like spring.  It has been unseasonably warm the past few days, and so much snow has melted.  The clouds from last night's rain showers were lingering this morning, adding a bit of fog and a drizzling feeling to the warm air.  I felt so alive walking my kids to their bus stops.  After I do my ciruit training today, I am going to go for a walk outside and enjoy this uncharacteristic weather before the cold/snow reality starts back in tomorrow.  But, there should only be about another month of snow, and then the real springtime will begin.   I am looking forward to spring and summer more than I have since I was a kid.  I think I might be able to shop in the normal size sections of the clothing stores, which will be a true triumph!
After not being able to workout for a week, I am so greatful to have it back.  It makes me realize how important our health is, not just the little things like bronchitis, but any debilitating, long-term diseases that threaten to be life-long obstacles.  I think I live in a city that might qualify for the fattest citizens, or at least, highest percentage of obese people in one area.  It's not a cut, but reality.  We are surrounded by the tastiest cheese and beer on every corner.  People in their 30's and 40's seem to handle obesity OK, but it seems like after 40, all the aches and pains start coming, along with those long-term health problems.  It is a known fact that after the age of 35, you start to lose muscle mass if you do not work to keep it.  Also, for us women, once the hormones start to change, it is way harder to lose weight, and the health risks, post-menopause, are only complicated by being overweight.  I turned 38 in December, and I vowed to myself that I would look and feel better than I ever had, by the time I hit 40.  I intend to age gracefully, with energy and flexibility, and have the bloodwork of a 20-year old, because that's how I feel!  Bring on Spring!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Dreaming

For the past two days the scale has read 170.  After being stagnent around 179 for so so long, I am allowing myself to dream about the 160's.  In my head, I can't even imagine being in that range.  It has probably been close to 20 years since I've been that low.  So there is a little disbelief involved, but one thing this journey is teaching me is that ANYTHING is possible! 
I watched another episode of Heavy last night, and that is probably my favorite show on television right now.  To see people who are morbidly obese really give it their all and drop massive amounts of weight through hard work, is maybe the most inspiring thing I could ever see.  If they can do it, anyone can.  It is about making up your mind that you are going to do it, continual focus on both immediate and long-term rewards, and for some, repeatedly talking yourself off the ledge.  One thing that I think is brilliant about that show is that they make each person see a psychologist.  You can talk yourself into trying to lose weight, but if you have a bunch of mental obstacles in your way, you will be fighting against yourself the entire time, and aren't likely to win the battles.  Not everyone can afford a shrink, but I think that no matter where you are on your journey, healing old wounds needs to happen in order for you to be able to truly enjoy your successes.  Putting on weight is a sign that we have stopped caring about ourselves, and we need to figure out what event or series of events led us down that road in order to turn oursleves back around.  Until you heal those negative thoughts; the I can'ts, I'm not worthys, I don't care, I am less important than my (kids, spouse, parents) you will never be able to get to a healthy mental place.  And without mental health, you are working way too hard to try and stay on a plan.  No wonder so many people fail. 
My husband and I talk about Heavy a lot.  He has told me that Heavy made him realize that he was never meant to be a personal trainer, and that he would not be good at it.  As a body builder, he had been obsessed with the fitness industry for years, and at one point nearly completed his certificate to become a personal trainer.  He explained that the trainer on that show, David Richardson, is the epitome of what a personal trainer should be.  I agree, he is understanding, inspiring, and firm, and when he sees someone working hard he celebrates with them.  He is really something.  My husband said that he wouldn't have the patience to deal with people who don't come to 'leave their guts on the ground', and would feel like they were wasting his time.  I understand that to some degree, a lot of the women on that show do whine/cry a lot when they get started really pushing themselves.  But, it takes someone who can kick their butts with compassion to motivate them to buck up and dig in.  My husband is a unique breed of person, he has always had a hyperactive metabolism, grew up quite skinny.  He sees the world in black and white.  If he wants to achieve X result, he needs to do Y, end of story.  No emotions involved, just do what it takes to get where you want to go.  When he was 135 pounds and saw a photo of a muscular musician he admired, he decided he didn't want to be skinny anymore, and he never looked back.  I always shook my head in disbelief at him, always unwavering, I couldn't believe it was just that simple for him, and have never met anyone with his resolve.  For him it wasn't about trying, it was about doing, and not overthinking any of it.   You'd think that being surrounded by someone like that would rub off on me, but not so.  I am an emotional being.  I don't just put the plan in my head and march forth, unwavering.  There are a million thoughts and emotions attached to what I am doing.  And, for those of us on the opposite end of the spectrum, who do have emotional attachments to food, or who use food to self-medicate, stepping into new territory, where we don't have our "blankies" is quite an emotional thing.  He usually sees my point, even though he admits he doesn't fully understand what it feels like to think of food as anything other than a tool to achieving his desired result.  I wish it was that easy for all of us.  The industry has done a great job of making foods taste like a comforting hug.  But, healing the things that are making us feel like we need that hug, instead of turning to food, is the way toward healing our entire selves, and turning our thoughts about food around.  Of course my husband and I enjoy eating "special" foods, going to restaurants and especially enjoy food that is seasoned well.  For me, it has a celebritory feel to it, to him it is a cheat meal that will rev up his metabloism.  Enjoyable nonetheless.  And since I have started healing things inside myself, I can enjoy a nice meal prepared by someone else, and still have my head in the right place when it comes time for my next clean meal.  I feel really blessed that I don't have cravings and have been able to follow through with what I said I was going to do.  It only took me 30 years to get to this point.  Hopefully, through healthy lifestyle changes,  I will enjoy 30 years more!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Call Me Stella

Call me Stella, cuz I finally got my groove back.  After my last post, I went outside to check the mail.  It was supposed to be nice today, so I dressed lightly.  Whatever temp it is, the wind is blowing a lot, so I ended up jogging back to my apartment.  And that's when I noticed that my lungs weren't hurting.  I decided to take advantage and workout.  Muscles today.  As I was doing each movement, I felt the warmth of blood going into the muscles that hadn't been worked in a week.  It felt soooo goooood.  And, I was going to take things a little easy and just do the 10-12 reps of each instead of going to failure on my last set, but I was feeling so good by the third set that I did each movement til failure.  Wow, that was a challenging workout!  I feel FANTASTIC!  And more than that, it feels like it loosened things up in my lungs even more.  I didn't even need my inhaler today.  Think I am recovering from the bronchitis nicely.  Now to continue recovering from obesity. 
Hope everyone's feeling great and getting their groove on!

Big Fat Hurt

When I started this blog, I hadn't intended it to be the journal-only format that it has become.  I was thinking about what being fat is like, and all I could think about was how much it hurts to be fat.  Physically and mentally.  And it isn't about how others perceive you, but the voice in your own head.  It isn't for anyone to judge who needs to lose weight and who doesn't.  We all have that voice inside that lets us know how proud or disappointed we are with ourselves.   The physical hurt is one thing.  It is a world of 'nots'.  Not being able to ride rides with your kids, or play ball with them, not being able to sit in a desk at school without being squished and cheated of breath.  Not being able to tie your shoes without feeling like you are going to pass out, or walk for what should be an acceptable distance without feeling like you are going to die.  Not being able to sleep well.  Not being able to sneak past the chairs in a restaurant like your normal-sized friends can.  Not being able to hide, even in black clothing.  Not being able to buckle your seatbelt.  Not being able to sit in any one position for extended lengths of time.  Not being able to...I'm sure my readers can fill in their own 'nots'. 
We all know the health risks of being overweight, but the mental pain is equally damaging (and negatively-motivating) than the physical for most people I know who deal with weight issues.  You assume everyone is staring at/laughing at/judging you, maybe even using you as an example of what not to do with yourself.  You constantly abuse yourself verbally, telling yourself you are weak and stupid and ugly and not worthy of any kind of success.  You start to believe every negative thing that anyone says about fat people in general, and internalize it as if it had been said directly about you.  You battle yourself, searching for the "rock bottom" that will just be horrible enough to magically motivate you to try to change.  You block all positive thoughts, peppering them with your own internal negativity, until the only thing that you can believe in, and be certain to bring you comfort is the very foods that have put you in the place you are now.  It is a vicious cycle.  We eat crap because we feel like crap, and vice versa. 
Most overweight people I know (and even a bunch of 'normal-sized' women I've encountered) are so unhappy with their body image.  Yes, our society/media have a lot to do with it, but buying into the idea that you are not a worthy human being unless you look like Angelina Jolie (or Brad Pitt, for that matter) is all about what YOU determine your own self-worth to be.  All my adult life I have been obese, and I continued to blame everyone else for it, from the FDA and their outdated pyramids that our mothers did and outstanding job of sticking to, to my parents, to my friends and enemies and everyone else in between.  In the end, once I began my journey toward health, I began a journey of self-acceptance and in the process I had to "own" the fact that I am obese because of the choices I made.  And while I knew I could never start a weight loss journey before I felt ready to committ to it, the positive things happened because of my taking those steps toward health, not before it.  Motivation comes from being proud of yourself; taking a step in the right direction, and realizing that if you challenge yourself to take a different path than the one you have always chosen, that you will grow as a person, and begin to heal.  And the positives begin to build upon themselves.  After a tough workout, where you really gave it all you had, not only do you feel like you can conquer the world, but your body will repay you by repairing itself.  And in a short time, those workouts will become easier for you.  Imagine how that boosts your spirits, to know that something that was difficult for you before is now quite accomplishable.  That is where the motivation comes from.  Triumph over self-defeat; not letting yourself off the hook.
The journey toward health should never be looked at as a negative thing, if you focus on the things you can't have, you will never succeed.  What I choose to focus on is the fact that I can have whatever I want to have, whenever I want.  No one is monitoring my success and there is no deadline, I am accountable to no one but me.  But, if I chose to go down that path, I will have to pay the consequences, even if no one else knows. Because that ugly little voice inside my head is just waiting to point its finger of disgust at me. 
I have been fortunate to have been "prescribed" the South Beach Diet by my doctor.  I have never found an easier way of living healthy.  No one believes me until they try it and get past the first few days, then after a week they exclaim, "I can't believe I don't want crap anymore, and I lost X pounds!"  My doctor has been very pleased with my bloodwork, and more impressive than that is that I am pleased with the whole package.  I am not intending for this to be an ad for South Beach, I am just happy to have found a lifestyle that I can stick to easily because it deals with the chemical reactions in my body, instead of assuming that willpower and discipline will be enough.  Everyone who has been successful in weight loss has had the fortune of finding the program that works for them, and then challenged their mind to continually be an active participant in the journey.  All my 'nots' are melting away, and I am feeling physically better than I have in years.  And that nasty little self-defeating voice inside me has been gagged and confined to the far corners of my mind.  I have decided to take control back,  as a well-deserved gift to myself.  And so can you, if you believe.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Holding Steady

I am holding steady at 172, which is really happy news for me, sinifying a 20 pound loss since I began on Nov 29th.  I look different, my clothes fit different, and I feel really good and happy.  I am not saying every day is easy, especially when the hormones start to fluctuate, but way easier than I imagined.  I am really happy that I haven't gained any weight this week, due to the absence of exercise.  It really goes to show you how important diet is when trying to lose weight.  Of course, you need the exercise to stimulate your metabolism and keep your heart, mind and bones healthy.  What good is fixing up the outside of your house if it's falling apart inside? 
I am slowly beginning to clear the bronchitis from my lungs, but even with an inhaler, there is still discomfort when taking deeper breaths.  I have decided to forgo exercise today, and just play it by ear each day.  When it stops being uncomfortable to breath deep, I will workout again.  I actually miss it, it really brightens my mood and makes me feel invincible.  I know that once I get back to it, it will be hard at first, but I will be able to get right back to where I was fairly quickly. 
This weekend my husband and I had a wonderful date night.  He is an apiring actor, so we dropped the kids at his mom's house for an evening of dinner and a play.  Dinner was our favorite food at our favorite restaurant, sushi from Little Tokyo.  The restaurant is in the most charming part of the city, where all sorts of artsy shops are housed in historic buildings with brilliant lighting and endless charm.  The sushi is out of this world, and we had a pretty impressive spread.  I had a pot of green tea with my four maki rolls, and it was really the first time in a long time that we had more than enough time to relax and enjoy our meal together without having to rush to get to our next stop.  I was feeling pretty lousy/tired from being sick, but I didn't let on because I knew this evening was important to my husband.  I was so relaxed after our dinner, that I almost didn't want to leave the table.  The playhouse is on the opposite side of the block from the restaurant, so we got there early and had a look around.  It was formerly a church, so the ceilings were high and impressive, and the atmosphere was quaint; you could almost feel the energy and nerves on stage before the actors came on.  We had great seats.  The play was great, some of the actors better than others, but it is community theatre after all.  My back was hurting high and low from dualing conflictions of bronchitis and menstrual cramps, so sitting in the tiny theatre seat for more than 2 hours was a bit tedious, but it was actually quite an enjoyable evening.  My husband's spirits were so high at the prospect of trying out for his first play in less than 2 weeks, we grabbed a script for him to practice and he is already "in touch" with the character he will audition for.  It is exciting to see him chasing his dream. 
Now for my dream.  My time for chasing this crazy goal is closing in.  Only 166 days left until the contest ends.  I am feeling less and less sure that I can reach my goal weight by then, but I am confident that, no matter what weight I am at, it is going to feel a lot better than 192.  Once I get back into position to workout, I am going to challenge myself to push harder, to see what I can do.  From time to time I forget the challenge I have presented myself with (the contest) and when I snap back into reality, it fires me up and drives me to see what I can accomplish. 
In my latest issue of Oxygen magazine I stumbled across two quotes that I really liked, so will share.
"The difference between try and triumph is just a little UMPH."  Marvin Phillip
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." Wayne Gretzky
These are really inspirational to me, hope you enjoy them too!  Happy Valentine's Day!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Weasy Without George

I finally dragged my sorry butt to the doctor to have a listen to my lungs, which started to hurt enough to keep me awake for a while last night.  Bronchitis, sinusitis and ear infection.  I am on a round of antibiotics and have an inhaler to use, because he said I sound "weasy".  I am hoping to be back in workout mode by Monday, but I will let my lungs dictate my activity.  I also had him check out a suspicious red, rough spot on my arm, near the elbow.  It appeared last weekend, the size of a pin head, and now it is 4mm wide and rough.  Of course, the first thing I did was google red rough spot on skin, and a bunch of melanoma articles popped up, so of course I panicked.  That was also a part of my sleeplessness last night, worrying about the possibilities of having skin cancer.  Not to mention, the thing was itching last night.  So anyway, the doc looked at it and said right now it just looks like a mole (ewww), but to keep my eye on it if it continues to grow.  Let me restate, EWWWW.  It just looks like a red spot to me, but I bet it'll turn into a plump, hairy mole.  My grandma had one of those on her chin, and I was always little sqeamish about looking at it.  Anyway, I will take said hairy lump on my skin if it means I don't have cancer.  Time will tell.
After waiting for my meds at the pharmacy, I was so tired and the idea of buying pre-made lunch somewhere sounded so good and comforting.  I was even considering making some Ramen Noodles with tofu for lunch, but when I saw the carb content, my senses came back to me.  My husband and I will be going out to dinner tomorrow night, so I will save my cheat for that.  Not eating crap is going to be what gets me through this illness, especially since I haven't worked out most of the week, and probably not the weekend either. 
Well, I am going to retire to the couch and try to catch a catnap before I pick up the kids from school.  I am so glad its the weekend!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Milestone

I was 172 today when I woke up.  That means I have lost 20 lbs since I began on November 29th.  Not bad for a little more than 2 months.  Today, while deciding what to wear to my potential employer for shadowing, and I tried on a pair of dress pants I bought in December.  They don't fit.  I can't even fake it, they are way too loose.  I will have to donate them without having ever worn them.  Actually, I think I may have to donate a good portion of the clothes in my closet right now.  It is all stuff I bought when I was over 200, and now most of the tops are so baggy that they are showing way too much of everything in the front.  If I were employed, I would be way more excited at this news, but right now I have $12 in my bank account and no more on the way from anywhere.  Thankfully, we will be able to have our taxes filed this weekend, and get our hands on that in a hurry.
I am still having some discomfort when breathing, not as severe as Tuesday, but a nagging, pinching kind of feel when I am exerting myself.  I have been taking it easy and getting a lot more rest, which means, no workouts until I feel better.  I am a little bummed out that I can't workout, but it would be so unwise at this point.  If I end up having to go the doctor for pneumonia, that will be our entire family who has been to the ER in the past 2 months!  I am enjoying the slight break in activity, and now that I have spent an entire day and a half resting, I realize how active I normally am.  It is a huge change from a couple months ago, when a day off would consist of spending countless hours on the couch watching TV and eating comfort foods.  A huge part of me cannot see the changes with my own eyes, because I still see the fat hanging off my stomachs (yes, plural), but the way clothes fit (even clothes that are sizes I couldn't fit into when I started this journey a year ago) and the way it feels when I run my hands over the area on my back that used to have way more fat on them, even the way it feels to be able to cross my legs, these are the ways I am noticing the changes.  I hope when I reach my goal, I will be able to realize it fully. 
I will leave you with one of my favorite photos of my husband and sons.  It was from last summer, on the City Deck in Green Bay, which is a beautiful place on the Fox River that stretches out miles of sidewalk passing beneath several bridges.  You can see the drawbridges open and close as boats of various sizes pass through, and it is surrounded by lush landscaping on both sides of the river.   The dilapidated building behind them is going to be torn down to make a magnificent childrens museum this summer!  I am looking forward to making the City Deck a place I can walk (and maybe eventually, run) in the early mornings when the weather warms up.  Hope everyone is nailing their goals for the day!  Think Spring!
                                                         I am such a lucky girl!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bon Appetit

Since I have been unemployed, I have discovered that I really enjoy reading.  Today I started reading "My Life in France" by Julia Child, and last weekend I read "Julie and Julia" by Julie Powell.  The latter is one of my favorite movies, which has made me want to know more about Julia Child.  I am a confessed foodie, I love Food Network and all the famous chefs, love Gordon Ramsay to pieces!  Reading these books (and the Italy section of Eat Pray Love as well) is making me HUNGRY!  More than the dishes they are preparing, is the way these writers describe food that makes you realize how it really is art.  I don't get that feeling from my turkey bacon and eggs, but it tastes good all the same, and I do try to arrage it in a pretty way on a nice plate, even though it takes mere minutes to eat. 
Knowing I couldn't (or wouldn't, for that matter) prepare myself a lunch full of french words I can't pronounce, I opted to at least make something different from what I always eat for my 11:30 snack.  I made a vanilla-orange-cinnamon protein shake with oatmeal and flaxseeds and blended it all up til it was frothy like a milkshake.  The flaxseeds didn't blend, but they were perfect, popping inside my mouth like fresh sesame seeds.  What a great shake.  Now, what's for my next meal?
I am feeling a little better today, my lungs don't feel like they're on fire today, just feel a little bruised, which I think is an improvement.  I finally got the lady to call me back to schedule my shadowing at the retinal specialist, and that will happen tomorrow, which I hope will lead to a job as an ophthalmic assistant.  For this evening, I plan on doing much of the same as I have been doing so far today, relaxing on the couch and reading.  Happy Wednesday, and Bon Appetit!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Pneumonia

I am pretty sure I caught my husband's pneumonia.  My back hurts whenever I breathe.  I took some Mucinex, which is dulling the pain for now, but working out is definitely out of the question for today.  I have so much to do today, and Israel gets his cast off in a couple hours, which is how long it usually takes to get out of that office.  If I don't feel better by tomorrow, I will have to go get it checked out.  A minor setback.  Maybe its just as well, my muscles are still kind of sore from my last workout.  Lifting weights til failure is a whole different ballgame! 

Monday, February 7, 2011

I Love Butter

After reading Lynn's blog at Escape From Obesity which happens to be one of my faves, it made me think about fats.  I am allowed healthy fats on the South Beach Diet, like low-fat cheese, Smart Balance Light buttery spread, olive oil, green olives, etc.  But I am supposed to put limits on them, eating 2 Tbsp or less per day total.  Lately, I have been putting Smart Balance spread on nearly everything.  It started when our non-stick pan became exactly the opposite entity.  Everything stuck, so I put a little butter in the pan so it wouldn't stick so much.  Wow, do eggs taste even better when cooked in buttery stuff.  And, I guess I could be cooking in olive oil, but when you compare, EVOO has 120 calories per Tbsp and Smart Balance Light has only 50 calories per Tbsp, and has omega 3s, EPA & DHA.   And, guess which one tastes better?  So, I have been consuming those fats with reckless abandon.   We did get a new pan last week, so I have stopped cooking in the spread, but now I still want to put it on everything.  For instance, for dinner one night I was feeling creative so I stuffed some celery stalks with ground turkey and put some Lawry's, pepper and garlic on top, then sliced up one piece of fat free cheese to put on top.  On the side, I had a piece of garlic toast (whole wheat bread with Smart Balance on it, of course) and 6 spears of Asparagus with, you guessed it, Smart Balance and sea salt.  My husband made a comment about the cheese.  I looked at my plate with all the "extras" on it, the cheese wasn't really neccessary, and most of it slid off during the baking process, and I surely didn't need the butter on the asaragus, it is already one of my favorite veggies.  But, I was feeling like making the meal "special", and that is what I have been doing a lot of lately, especially since I've been sick and have been watching my husband eating stuff like bagels w/cream cheese and turkey sandwhiches.  I have trying to turn my on-plan food into comfort food.  That is a little absurd.  At least I am not going off the deep end, and even after eating Domino's Pizza Friday night, I was able to turn it right back around and get my eating on track, without suffering any major carb cravings.  This is why I love South Beach Diet more than any other thing I have tried.  My whole life I have loved sweets, almost to gagging proportions.  If something was 'way too sweet' for everyone else at the party, I would be the one who volunteered to bring it home.  "Too sweet" was just the right amount of sweet for me.  I would want to add sweetner to already-sweetened drinks.  One or five pieces of chocolate was never enough for me, I had to have the entire bag, even if I was feeling sick halfway through.  And it wasn't just sweets, but starchy carbs too.  Potatoes, pasta, rice, bread, you name it.  When I first fell in love with my husband, he was vegetarian, and it was not too hard for me to give up meat (which already grossed me out a little because of the inconsistency of texture/taste and connective tissues) because that, for me, meant an all-carb diet.  Before I got into making veggie stews or discovered the tastey Morning Star Farms veggie foods, I would simply eat a bowl or rice with soy sauce and pepper.  Guess what?  Sometimes that still sounds good to me!  Some years later, out of convenience and for him (being a body builder) neccessity, we began eating fish turkey and chicken, he also ate beef quite regularily.  Good thing, because that all-carb diet was ruining my health in a hurry!  South Beach Diet has two solid weeks of carb-limiting, which makes it a ketogenic diet.  That means your body burns fat instead of carbs.  Some people might think of those two weeks as being restrictive, I think of it as sugar-detox, and for me, it was completely neccessary and so very effective.  Actually, by day 3 of SBD my cravings are pretty much non-existent.  I wake up craving eggs and turkey bacon instead of doughnuts.  If someone had told me that I could live a life where I don't obsess over chocolate every single day, and would no longer buy it and stash it and eat it all in one sitting so I didn't have to share it...I would have laughed in their face.  Will power didn't work, I couldn't will myself to not want things that were sending my triglycerides sky-high, even thoughts of dying and leaving my kids without a mother wasn't enough.  SBD simply made those things disappear as if I was always this person who can walk away from chocolate and ice cream, and I can not say this more matter-of-factly, I don't even think about the stuff anymore.   I am finding, I hardly even need willpower where food is concerned, I just eat what is allowed, and when I feel like I need a cheat, I have it and move on. 
Another thing I really like about SBD, particularily SBD Supercharged, is that it is made for real life.  I don't use the recipes, because I like to keep my meals simple, since I am the one making them.  And, after considering the whole fats issue, I have decided that how I am eating now, will likely be how I will eat for most of my life.  While I realize that I will have to analyze my diet at some point, in order to keep seeing changes, right now I feel like my diet is pretty natural and easy to maintain.  Now, if only I could make working out feel just as easy and natural.   But then, I wouldn't be growing as a person if I had NO challenges, right? 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Back in Service

I decided not to wait until Monday to get things back on track.  I did a bunch of house cleaning,  because it was seriously scarey in here, particularily dishes, which somehow never seem to shrink.  Then I took all the recyclables out.  Everything was all melty and the sun was peeking out from the clouds ever so slightly.  It made me feel so good, as if spring was here, despite it only being 28 degrees, so I decided that I wanted to get out and enjoy the mildish weather and go for a walk outside.  But today was weight day, so I had to get through my circuit training first.  I put myself through the wringer!  I had only missed two days of workouts, but it felt like a full week, my body just felt old and tired.  And, this was supposed to be the last day I did this workout, but I decided that since I wasn't ironclad in my resolve the past 4 weeks, that I can continue using the same workout with some modification.  I decided my modification would be, on my third circuit, to do each exercise to failure, instead of just stopping at 10 or 12, and then decided to put it into action right away today.  Wow, were my muscles PUMPED and shakey at the end!  And, my heart rate was going like crazy for that last circuit.  I followed up with a 25 minute walk outside.  I still had to be careful on the sidewalks because they are super slippery, but I got my walk in.  For being Superbowl Sunday, and this being Green Bay, it was relatively peaceful outside.  Glad I got to get some fresh air.
Even though my diet has been pretty much on track (I do tend to overindulge in the good fats), and my weight has been slightly down lately, I still feel like I took a step backwords by letting my workouts slide the past two days.  And eating 3 peices of Dominio's Pizza on Friday night. Which led me to the realization that, no matter what else I am doing right, I never feel fit and healthy unless I exercise.  It is a mental thing, I realize, but it sure goes a long way.
Now, we are getting ready to watch the Superbowl.  I just finished having a turkey burger with a side of cucumbers in balsamic vinegar with sea salt.  Israel, who is very impressionable, had a plate of the very same cucumbers.  We rarely ever watch the Superbowl, but even when we do, we don't make the ridiculus beer and cheese-laiden appetizers most people do.  I am happy that at least one of my boys is following my healthier eating habit.  Now if we could just have an intervention for Zach and his Barbeque Chicken Hot Pockets...Well, I'll take one out of two! 

Friday, February 4, 2011

Phat Pharm(aceuticals)

Happy Friday!  I have been busy continuing to nurse my sick and injured family, and continue to attempt to knock out my own cold.  My husband was diagnosed with pneumonia on Wednesday, and I have been popping vitamin C and slurping down Zinc and oil of oregano like its candy.  There have been a long line of OTC drugs I'm using too, from DayQuil, Pseudophed, ibuprophen, Mucinex, and cold and flu nighttime stuff.  I am determined to not have my cold turn into pneumonia.
My workouts have been a little scattered as of late.  I missed today's weight work.  I could have done it, and still could, but I think I should rest today.  I think part of the reason my husband's cold turned into pneumonia is because he continued to lift insane amounts of weight at the gym when he was sick.  That is really taxing on the central nervous system and immune system.  I might do a little extra cardio after I finish blogging.  My priorities are in the right place, eh?
With all the drying agents I have been taking, and the MASSIVE amounts of fluids I am consuming, I have lost another pound.  I was 174 when I woke this morning.  The drugs are making me so PHAT!   I am hoping those pounds wont come back, but wont be completely surprised if they make a brief reapperance.    My eating has been slightly off too.  Part of it is the impending hormonal reality on its way, but some of it is being sick and watching my husband eat whatever he wants.  Oh yeah, he has decided he doesn't want to be a body builder anymore, and isn't even going to compete in the contest he was training for all year.  He has loftier goals in mind, and I support him completely.  As for my own goals, I have been so focused on other stuff that I haven't made time for thinking about what I want.  The end of the contest is less than 6 months away, and my progress has been slow.  I think Monday will bring about a fresh start of sorts.  I have been eating on plan, but not sticking to 3 or less hours between meals.  Sometimes I eat at 2 hours, sometimes 4.  It has been very inconsistent.  I also had a couple servings of bean soup yesterday.  Let me tell you, if you have given up beans for a while, it really isn't worth eating a whole bowl of various mixed beans just because the warm salty seasoning might make your nose less stuffy.  Warm tea would have done the trick.  I paid the price later, holy fiber Batman! 
At any rate, things will always be popping up to potentially derail you, if you let the indulgence of the act be more desirable than the act itself.  We are planning on ordering pizza tonight, and I am going to be very reserved in my consumption, but I will enjoy every last minute of it.  And when its done, I will go right back on plan.  I going to be small enough to wear cute little strappy dresses and tank tops this summer, or I will die trying!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

On Second Thought

I feel better since I decided to work out.  I did my circuit training in a new spot, my bedroom.  It was so sunny in that corner of my apartment, it made me feel good.  My nose cleared up a little and my muscles felt good and warm to have blood in them again. 
I got my interview rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and they didn't even seem that inconvenienced. 
On Monday night after Zach sneaked into my bath (my plan worked brilliantly as usual) and soaked his sore foot, I had to carry him to the couch.  I had my towel on him, and I had nothing on.  My husband said, almost in disbelief, "Wow, I can really tell you've lost weight!"  I answered his disbelief with, "Really?"  It's not like he hasn't seen me in that 'outfit' in the last two months, but maybe he just wasn't looking.  Anyway, it made me feel really good and gave me a confidence boost that is making me brave enough to post one of the photos from the contest entry.  Warning, there were strict rules about how much skin needed to be showing, so it is pretty horrifying.  I took more photos today, in the same outfit.  I don't mind if you laugh at my extreme hat head in today's shots, I had limited time to get this done, and wanted to do it before I chickened out.  So, here is me being brave!


The top photo is from 12/1/10, when I was just getting started, the second one is from 2/2/11.  I included the bottom one just because I am so proud I can actually wear a size 1X shirt, it has been years. I always thought that people doctored before and after photos, but man, my hair looks brutal in all three!  Maybe my 25 pound mark would be a good time to reward myself with a makeover!  That's only 13 pounds away.  Hope everyone finds the power to turn their bad days around to a positive outcome.  Happy Wednesday!

Might as Well be Monday

I confess, I broke my rule about not looking at the scale except on Mondays.  It was out of curiosity, due to the fact that I hadn't taken my medicine for two days, and last night was my first night back on it.  For anyone new to my blog, I take meds for high blood pressure which includes a mild diuretic.  Along with that, I had a dose of Tylenol Sinus Nighttime as well, as my head felt like it was going to explode from all the pressure.  This morning's weight was 175, a number I've never seen before, because after I hit 150 I stopped stepping on scales until I was over 200.  So, while I feel a little shocked and thrilled about that, I am taking it with a grain of salt, as it could just be water weight that will return once I'm hydrated again.  Or muscle loss, being that I haven't been hitting the weights as often as I should. 
I'll try to catch up with whats been going on.  Friday was the interview for the dimly-lit optometry office.  I had a really good feeling about the interview, and left thinking I had it in the bag.  The weekend was pretty much business as usual, hanging out with the family watching every Gorden Ramsey show we could find on demand.  Then, Sunday evening is when Zach hurt his foot, just before bedtime.  He was still refusing to use it on Monday, so he stayed home.  I figured I'd wait it out and see if it was going to be temporary, or if something more serious was going on.  Later that day I got a call from a retinal specialist office that I applied to more than 2 weeks ago, and set up an interview.  The lady that I was talking to seemed a little irritated when I couldn't take the first time she offered.  I made the mistake of specifying that that time wouldn't work because the kids had a late-start for school that day.  We scheduled for tomorrow at 8 AM.  After I hung up, I realized my mistake.  My second son doesn't get on the bus until 8:10 AM.  Since then I have tried to think of everything I could to not have to call and reschedule this interview.  But my mother-in-law is in Hawaii, my husband can't get the morning off, and school doesn't let me drop him off before 8:15.  Blah!  So today I had to call and ask to reschedule.  I feel like such a loser doing it.  I am waiting for the HR lady to call me back.  I'm guessing my chances for actually landing this job are in the gutter now.
Yesterday, Zach was still refusing to walk on his foot, so I brought him to the ER.  They took X-rays and said there were no broken bones (THANK GOD!), just sprained.  I wasn't sure if he was going to attempt to use it today, but I told him he HAD to go to school, and he had to use it.  He was walking on it yesterday, I think he was just scared it was going to hurt.  As soon as he got out in the snow, he was using it like it never happened. 
Today has been a day of doing things I absolutely DO NOT want to do.  Going grocery shopping is one thing, but driving clear across town on slippery roads is another.  It turns out the roads were not as bad as I expected, and I got the shopping done in record time.  Then the call to reschedule my interview.  I will still have to speak with her, which is another thing I am anxious about.  Then there's the whole business of the workout that is waiting for me to do.  There is not one little part of me that feels like working out today.  And it's not just because I am sick, I have had a drooping resolve lately.  Yesterday, after we got done at the hospital, Zach wanted to get Subway, and of course I said yes.  But instead of just waiting the two minutes to get home and eat something "on plan" I got a 6 inch tuna sub (honey oat bread) and a bag of Pizza flavor doritos, which I justified because they're new.  Guess what?  My nose is so stuffy I could barely taste any of it.  It did feel good to indulge, and I think we all need to do that from time to time.  At least it wasn't chocolate or ice cream.  I am trying to always be mindful of my sugar addiction and that one little slip of eating those damaging sugars will throw me back into the addiction.    So, even though I feel a bit lousy today, I know I will do my circuit work and I know I will feel great when its done.  After all, it's only a half hour.  Hopefully, before too long,  I will have that interview rescheduled.  I really want this job. 
So, I guess I'm done babbling for now, what a boring, directionless blog!  Might as well be Monday!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Monthly Measurements

It has been a crazy weekend and start to the week complete with near-death virus striking (dramatic, but it sucks), and Zach scaring us that his foot was broken.  Thankfully, it is just a sprain.  After nursing everyone, I have become sick with the same virus.  Blah!  So I am only going to leave my measurements and get some rest. 
These measurements are for the month from Jan 1 to Feb 1.  My weight on Monday was 178.
This month                                                             Total loss to date
Bust: 1-5/8 inches lost                                             2-3/4 inches
Chest: 1-5/8 inches lost                                            1-7/8 inches
Waist: 7/8 inches lost                                               1-3/4 inches
Hips: 1-1/8 inches lost                                              3-1/8 inches
Thighs: 3/8 inches lost                                               5/8 inches
Knees: 1/4 inches lost                                               1/4 inches
Calves: no loss or gain                                               1/8 inch
Upper Arm: 1/2 inch lost                                            1 inch
Forearms: 1/8 inch lost                                               1/4 inches

My legs have always been my trimmest feature, so I don't expect too much loss on them.  So, that's it.  Hope everyone's having a great start to the week and looking forward to spring as much as I am!