Monday, December 31, 2012

December Can Go Now

To sum up the last month or so since my last post:
3 major car repairs/ maintenance done
2 visits to the urgent care for me
1 ADHD assessment/diagnosis for my son
2 kids with flu
1 ear infection
1 Child Protective Service case
2 final exams
1 blizzard
1 stupid holiday sale at work
3 chaotic holiday celebrations
2 birthdays
And a partridge in a pear tree!
I have been a bit up to my eyeballs to say the least.
My Shingles healed quickly, but before that was even gone my knee became very swollen, to the point that it made my quad muscle and toes numb. I did not injure it, there was no pain. The doctor said it is bursitis, a fat-old-lady problem (my words, not his) and told me to return for a cortisone shot if not better in a week. It is now more than a month later, and the pain that eluded me in the beginning has caught up. At times, it feels as though the bones in my knee are rubbing together. I feel like a cripple, barely able to tackle stairs, walking with a limp as though I've been through a major incident. I haven't been able to even fathom the thought of cardio, and have had no control over my eating whatsoever. I am a bit of a mess right now. But the thought of a fresh year is very welcome to me. My office will quiet down, my car's ills will be fixed soon, the days will start getting longer, my knee will eventually heal, my son will get on medicine to help ease his ADHD symptoms, the demands of the holidays have finally subsided, and I won't be running back and forth to school. And my favorite thing to look forward to is NO MORE STATISTICS CLASS!!! I got a BC grade, I'll take it. Now I have nearly a full month before my online classes begin, I plan to enjoy every minute of "down time".
I'm not the biggest fan of New Years resolutions but I can't say that I haven't given thought to changes I not only want to make but NEED to make for my health's sake.
The first change I want to make revolves around real and perceived judgements/guilt/ and obligations. I spend so much time worrying about obligations, and how not fulfilling them will lead to a horrible amount of judgement and guilt, that I run myself ragged, and allow myself to become my last priority. A good example is what happened two weeks ago. My son was sick with the flu, stomach stuff and horrible head cold to go along. I called in sick to work so I could stay home with him. My boss was inconvenienced because she had given our other optician the day off, and there was no one to cover my office. My other son had been sick with the same thing the whole weekend and i was feeling pretty aweful myself after caring/cleaning up after him. But when she called back that morning, and asked if I could somehow come in later, I agreed to go to work once my husband got home. I went in feeling guilty, irritated, nauseous and tired. I felt simultaneously guilty for not being at work part of the day, and for leaving my husband to care for two sick boys who wanted their mom. I sipped 7up and prayed I wouldn't get any of my customers sick. I shouldn't have been at work, but the guilt and obligation drove me to put my own and my customers' health on the back burner. I have this horrible, inherited fear of being an inconvenience to others. The problem with that is, many times there are too many people to try and please at once. And I also have a tendency to assume that my husband is judging me negatively because of things he says about others, and many times I am inclined to act on things I assume my husband wants. The first problem is we all know the saying about assumptions. The second problem with that is my husband often changes his view on things. I need to stop worrying about everyone else. I think in order to be truly prosperous, you have to let a few people down along the way. It's the only way to put yourself first sometimes.
I don't have much figured out about this journey, but I do know that I need to keep trying because I am on the fast track to needing to be back on blood pressure medicine if I don't take better care of myself. I celebrated my 40th birthday exactly how I wanted, a quiet evening in with my three favorite guys, eating pizza for the first time in months, and watching my guys play video games, laughing and shouting out in joy. Another year passes, the next one is all cued up. I am ready for 2013. I hope you all have a safe New Year's Eve and a great start to the new year ahead!