Thursday, April 30, 2015

Sleep, Finally

Well my last post told my woeful story of lacking sleep, and I would love to say that night went better, but it was actually worse, with me getting only about 4 broken hours of sleep.  I felt pretty drained at work.  Elliot came earlier than usual and I let my imagination take over and convince me that he changed his time so he doesn't miss me on my lunch break.  I was with a customer when he walked through, but he looked kind of sad or disappointed and I wish I would have had a chance to talk to him.  The rest of my day was mellow as I tried to stay awake.  By the time I got home I was already starting to get that not-enough-sleep headache.  I knew a walk wasn't going to happen.   I helped the kids with homework, took a hot bath and watched a couple episodes of The Office with my husband.  I laughed really hard at one point and it reminded me how good it feels to do, and how long it's been.  I finally slept good last night.  Finally!  
Today I felt like I looked good, I felt good, especially since I kept thinking it was Friday.  I was pretty busy with customers today, and I was with a customer when he Elliot came through, but this time as he passed by he made eye contact with me and smiled so warmly!  I rode on that all day ( he came early again, I'll be delighted if it stays this way).  
I had planned a walk tonight, but my husband had a meeting tonight and my son took 3 hours to do homework so it was after 8pm, and dishes still had to get done.  So, not much happening this week for walks, I may have to start getting up early to make sure I can get it in.  Still, I am eating squeaky clean and starting to see results already.  I am getting unwanted attention with the wanted, some of the guys who I catch checking me out are my dad's age!  Yuck!  But I am happy that I feel good.  The rest is just some small details!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

A Nice Walk

I was up more than I wanted to be last night, nursing a coughing kid and trying to get the near-constant stream of barking coughs to end, and then being startled awake every few minutes for a couple hours after as he coughed more.  Still, I made it through my day OK.  I felt pretty good at work, and the skirt I wore today made me feel totally feminine and pretty, and since Eliot's reaction to me has changed, I feel less bashful too, like now I can just talk to him without trying to impress him.  But my lunch coverage came so early that he came while I was out of my office, despite me trying to stall.  I was a little disappointed but didn't dwell on it.  I got a lot of work done, despite feeling drained, and was still planning to go for a walk once I got home and helped the kids through their homework.  But my kids were tired too and took longer to do homework than normal, so by the time my husband approached me around 6:30pm to ask if I was going to go for a walk, I was already starting to doze in a chair.  I wanted to say no and use my Monthly Disaster, low iron, lack of sleep and vertigo as excuses.  But I decided to wake myself up and go.  I warned him that it wasn't going to be much of a cardio session for him, and he was fine with that.  We didn't go as far as I normally do alone, but I m glad for that.  I actually prefer walking alone, putting on my headphones and looking at all the amazing things around me.  Those things are considered rude to do when someone is trying to talk to you:). And my husband likes to talk and talk and talk.  About himself and the things he's into.  Part of me wanted to tell him about Elliot, and part of me thinks it's not worth it, or that I will save it for a relevant time.  But while we were walking and talking, I looked down as his feet walking next to me, somehow the way he walks reminds me of a little kid, especially in his skateboarding shoes, and I thought about how I'd feel if one of the cars driving past was Elliot.  I felt so proud at the thought, my husband and I out for a walk together, he so handsome and stylish and me feeling punk.  At that moment I felt like slipping my arm in his, but he was in the middle of talking about something deep and I didn't want to interrupt.  Plus it was on the windy/chilly side outside and I didn't want to take my hand out of my sweater pocket.  It was a nice walk.
When we got home I felt good for a few minutes, then started feeling sleepy/worn out again.  The smells from the grills in the neighborhood had me craving meat and potatoes. I ate some eggs and a piece of sprouted-grain toast.  Sleep will do me good tonight.  Beautiful, charming, warm, blissful sleep.  I'm going to see about getting some now.  Happy Tuesday friends!

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Sundays are Like that

Today was a pretty low-key day around my house.  I took care of a few errands and got a haircut, did some housework and spent time with my kids.  My husband was forced to work so he was tired when he got home, and when he looked like he was about to doze off around 4pm, I really wanted to do the same, I was so sapped of energy (first day of Monthly Disaster).  But I decided that if I was going to get a walk in, I'd better do it before it got too late or I knew I wouldn't feel like doing it at all.  And once I allow myself to not do it once, that laziness builds upon itself in my case.  So I went.  I originally had intensions of a mellow pace and a shorter distance, but once I felt the sun shining on me, smelled all the charcoal grills cooking, and heard some upbeat music, I found myself walking to that park again, a 2.4 mile round trip walk.  I was tired but much more alert after, and it lifted my mood a little.  
I have struggled with keeping my weekends "clean" in the past, letting one cheat meal turn into a whole day or weekend of cheating and sneaking,  but I'm happy to say that I have been squeaky clean except for my planned cheat meal on Friday.  The vitality I've gained back already is an astounding contrast to where I was a month ago.  I don't really have plans to weigh myself or fuss over the ups and downs of the story the scale tells.  I don't have that kind of drama in me anymore.  This is about doing things that make me feel good, feel more alive, and I'm starting to feel that more everyday.  Thank Fate for Elliot smiling at me like I was worth a look.  Ai think it's going to be a pretty awesome summer! 

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Good Steps

Since I made the decision to go back to college, my weekends have been a lot less relaxing.  Which makes me wonder why I look forward to them so much during the week!  But sleeping-in makes it all worth while. 
I always do my grocery shopping on Saturday and my little helper comes along to help.  We used to stop and get a junk food item to eat on the way to the store, now we drink Diet Cokes and talk about stuff.  He is slowly learning how I feel about sugar, based on my what I'm experiencing, and starting to think about healthier choices.  It's a good step.  These shopping trips have become like our little secret missions and he opens up a little more when we're driving.  
I had a lot of goals for this weekend.  One was to have a cheat meal, did that.  I wanted to find some new clothes, I tried a dozen things on today and didn't like any of them enough to buy them.  New sandals, nope.  Haircut?  Maybe tomorrow.  Homework? Yep.  Think a little more on the Elliot thing? Yep.  
Between grocery shopping, drugstore, trying to find some new clothes and doing a major field report project for my art class, I was thinking about skipping a workout today.  Once I completed about three hours of homework, the sun was still out, the wind died down a bit from earlier, so I decided to go for a walk.  It's cold still, and the wind was still a factor, but once the music hit my ears I was walking at a pretty good pace.  My knees felt fine, normal even, which is how they typically feel now that I've gotten off sugar.  I started thinking about Elliot, and what it would be like if I were out with my family and bumped into him.  And I realized that I would feel proud.  I am proud of the life I have.  It is beautifully imperfect!  Now I know my head's in a better place.  And I think, human connection is a good thing, it doesn't have to be categorized or fantasized into something, it can be enjoyable just because it is happening.  I enjoy sharing a few minutes of my day with Elliot, and the girls I work with, and the doctor I work with, and my customers who often make me laugh or think I'm smart.  I like making people smile, it makes me feel warm and good inside.  
I ended up walking and thinking for nearly an hour (about 2 and a half miles).  It's the furthest I've walked since training for my last 5k a few years ago!  My muscles are going to be feeling that tomorrow, but it felt really freeing to just take that walk and sort things out in my head.  It made me feel stronger mentally.  That walk wasn't about impressing anyone or staging something that walk was for me to feel good, and it certainly fit the bill.  Im so glad I accidentally discovered the key to getting rid of that knee pain!  I'm finally free!
The view from the halfway point of my walk.  Yes those are silos and yes, they are in the middle of a city.  It was just one of the rewards of doing something good for myself.

Friday, April 24, 2015

My Own Little Trip

I finally found out his name, it's Elliot, not Joel.  He seems sweet.  He's definitely not blushing as much as he used to, and smiling less too, so something has changed.  I'm trying to figure out all the stuff inside me that's going on while this whole things winds down.  When the 'crush and blush' was going on, I was showing off things about myself such as, leaving my phone by the pickup spot, case-side up (there's a killer picture of my favorite band, Green Day on it) and had some music playing.  I staged which song he would hear by starting the song and putting it on repeat a few minutes before he came in.  He would take note and smile.  I wore the outfits that I think I look best in, even wore my Converse shoes sometimes even though I don't technically think it qualifies as part of my uniform.  I went a little crazy trying to look my coolest.  Why?  So he'd be more attracted to me?  So it'd would bother him all the more that I couldn't be with him?  I tried to tell myself that it was really just me finally expressing myself and being comfortable with who I am, but it is more lame than that.  I miss the attention, the way he used to look at me like I was something.  I want him to crush on me because that means I'm pretty enough, cool enough, good enough to have a crush on.  The truth is, when I thought of what it would be like to start dating someone again, I was all swooning about the romantic getting-to-know-each other phase, but when I imagined what it would be like to introduce someone to my naked body, I was so horrified at the thought.  I'm lucky I can even let my husband see or touch me, much less, someone new.  So it was never about wishing I could follow through on the crush, it was about feeling like someone thinks I'm beautiful.  And now, that feeling has subsided and I have to make sense of what was my true self coming through and what was part of the plot to get him to fall deeper for me.  I was equating my worth to how he reacted to me.  And not just him but how other guys reacted to me too.  All because I need attention. Yep, it took me a while to figure it out but it reared its ugly head.  Part of me is relieved that he's settled down a little, now I just have to do the same.  No more trying to affect the guy.  I will still keep up my beautifying project, because feeling like I look good makes me treat others well.  My customers have been getting such great service because I'm in such a fantastic mood.  It doesn't have to be about an external source, feeling good can be its own reward, and should. 
I have been eating pretty good the past two weeks and I really started feeling drained again tonight so I decided tonight would be a good night to have a cheat meal, and my husband even let me pick the place.  I chose my favorite Mexican restaurant, Los Magueyes.  They have so many vegetarian dishes and the food is good.  It is less salty than some places we eat, and the walls are so colorful and decorative.  The food was so good to me tonight.  I feel like I can taste things better these days.  When I was done eating I got the most amazing buzz.  Food buzz is the best kind!  I'm still wiped out from not getting as much sleep last night, but boy those carbs made me feel good.
My plan is to continue doing things that make me feel good because they really do express who I am.  I want to get or make new clothes, work more on my book, listen to music that I love, and take care of myself because those things naturally lift me.  Elliot is a cute guy who brings me my work, he's not coming with me for the rest of my journey, this is my trip to take.  I may never had taken the opportunity to get back on track if it wasn't for his attention, but it showed me the things I am most proud of about myself, and that is something I can build on.  

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Pretty

Yesterday was different than the past couple weeks for me.  The day started good, I felt like I had a decent supply of energy, my hair turned out awesome and I was primed to rock out my Wednesday at work.  I had a lot of stuff to complete from a really busy day on Tuesday, so by the time I knew it, the labs were coming for pick ups and drop offs.  Joel had the day off.  I was a little disappointed not to see his smile, but I had a lot of work to do so I let it pass from my mind.  My lunch got delayed an hour due to some customers walking in just when I was about to punch out.  I don't have anyone trained in my position to cover my lunch, so nurses come to cover, just to answer general questions and direct traffic.  For lunch, I had a salad packed, with spinach, micro-greens, bell pepper, banana peppers, onions and feta cheese.  This combination has tasted so awesome that I have been eating it for the past 2 weeks almost.  The banana peppers are so tangy that I don't even need dressing.  But for some reason, my salad tasted "off" like something just wasn't fresh anymore.  I ate about half of the salad, and knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain that for long, so I had some salad from the prior day's catered lunch.  It was just OK, kind of limp and listless, just some lettuce, cheese and onions.  I wasn't able to eat much of that before I gave into the single-serve bag of kettle chips that came with the catered lunch.  Interesting to note, I didn't have any desire to eat the ginormous cookie that was still there.  The chips tasted pretty good, but not earth-shattering.  My knee-jerk reaction was to feel a little guilty that I'd allowed those junk carbs in, but I thought about Geneen Roth and how she says to use those situations to learn something about yourself.  I thought about why I ate those chips.  The two types of salad would have filled me enough to get me to my next meal.  The realization came in that what I was trying to hide, a whiny little voice in my head said, I just don't care anymore.  Joel doesn't seem interested in me like he was before. The second part of the exercise is to ask yourself what is beyond that emotional reaction; what you believe about yourself that drove you to seek comfort.  I'm not special or pretty to him anymore.  Maybe I'm just not special period.  Once I realized what it was, it almost made me laugh.  I don't really think that I am not special or pretty, I've actually been feeling quite attractive lately, but that is more of a psychological thing if you ask me.  So food took control for a minute, but I was able to use that to learn something about why I made that less healthy choice.  Later, when I got home from work, my energy level immediately plummeted to levels that only happen right before MD (monthly disaster) rears its ugly head.  I crashed so hard that I was nearly asleep in a chair within twenty minutes of being home.  And I had homework to get done.  I looked around my kitchen for something to eat, hoping I could force some energy into my brain, just enough for homework.  The only thing that sounded good was eggs.  Eggland's Best eggs have a thing over me right now, I am totally craving them.  But, my youngest son is really sensitive to the smell of eggs, and it wasn't a battle I felt motivated to have.  I ended up having tortilla chips with cheese melted on top.  And it was so good I ate two medium plates of it.  It gave me a quick boost of energy to get homework done, but I still fell asleep really early and slept really good all night.
Today I felt better, had more energy and a better mindset.  I think my body was craving the fats in part, I know blood sugars fluctuate around the start of MD, which can make us crave sweets, but having good fats helps stabilize the blood sugars and quell the sugar cravings.  Anyway, I did get to see Joel today, we talked briefly and smiled and blushed at each other.  I was in a good mood before I saw him, and even better after. Then a patient I was dreading seeing came in right before close.  He ordered glasses from me earlier in the week, and he was trying hard to flirt with me.  He's a nice guy, we talked a little bit about California (he's from Long Beach) and about animals (he works on the 'kill floor' at a local slaughterhouse).  He was feeling my new look and attitude and I could tell.  Tonight when he came in he was hinting that he was going to look me up when he gets back to California.  He also keeps telling me he is going to come buy some more glasses from me. He was trying to flirt again, and all I wanted to do is close up and go home.  The unwanted attention, I think, is due to all these changes I am making.  I finally have the haircut I've been trying to get, which makes me feel really pretty/cool and helps me have much more "good hair' days than I have in oh so long, the exercise I've been doing has helped me feel more confident, my clothes are telling my story, as far as the pounds starting to come off.  Even my skin looks better, and it wasn't bad to begin with.  I am smiling more and coming out of my shell more.  It makes me think about Geneen Roth again, and how she is encouraging people to live like they already have that which they think they desire.  For people trying to lose weight, live like you are already thin, don't deny yourself joy because of your outside.  I will admit, this is hard, even when I'm in a positive mindset, it takes work for someone who has felt "wrong" in so many ways to unapologetically say, I don't care if anyone else thinks I am pretty or doing things right or likes my hair or music or how I talk.  I know I am exactly right, right here in this moment, and no one can touch that!  I will never deny that outside feedback can get in my head, good or bad, but ultimately, I have a choice whether or not I believe what is being said to and about me.  Joel must have thought I am a knockout to smile at me that way and I am choosing to agree, and that has fueled me to keep doing things that make me feel like a knockout.  Danced for an hour on Tuesday, just in front of the mirror with giant headphones on, pretending I was celebrating life with friends.  Tonight I went for a decent walk, it felt good to get fresh air without feeling like I need to "clear my head".  Things are slowly making a positive slide back where I want to be.  Taking care of me, making my needs known and enjoying all I have right now.
Sorry for the book.  I guess I had a lot to say tonight.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Choices

So perfectly true!  This is why I love Geneen Roth.  
Sleep was so much kinder to me last night, and I felt a little better today.  I think part of my feeling not-quite 100% might be sinus allergies.  I stopped taking my Flonase a week or so ago, because it got much colder, but I'm going see about starting up again.  Or, maybe find a natural alternative.  
Joel was in a little better mood today too, but it feels like something changed. I was thinking about it today and a light went on, our sales rep for his company was in last week.  She's a dear lady whom I've known since I started working here 4 years ago.  We always talk shop for 5 minutes and then we talk autism for like an hour because we both have sons with autism.  Since Joel and our rep, Anne work for the same company they may have been talking shop and he could have found out that I'm married with kids.  I would actually be fine with that, it would have come up at some point. Still, he smiled sweetly and did his job and I'll probably see him tomorrow and it'll be the same.  I was fine with a nice, normal smile because he still smiled.  There is a guy I used to work with who I had a little stronger bond with than the rest of the crew, we had a bit of a mutual attraction, but being married we just kept it to work banter and jokes.  We'll always have that certain warmth for one another, when we see each other at conferences every other year, we hug and catch up and talk glasses.  Nothing went where it shouldn't with Aaron, but it feels good having some little connection with him.  I think it could be that way with Joel someday if we keep getting to see each other at work.  
Something wonderful is coming out of all this!  No, I haven't cheated on my husband and I won't even touch another guy, but this positive attention has changed what I want.  I went from wanting my body to not hurt and wanting to have the energy and motivation to get back on track, to now wanting to do things that make me feel GOOD about myself.  When I do cardio I feel skinnier.  When I spend extra time on my hair I feel prettier.  When I eat nutritious foods, I feel smarter and imagine myself getting healthy on a cellular level. The side effects are that I have way more energy, way less knee and hip pain, I feel more alert and creative, my clothes are getting loose, and I have so much confidence that it is exuding from me.  My mood is better, my skin is brighter, even music has a deeper effect on me.  And I realize that this is all because I make choices each and every day that are helping me feel this way.  Today was a catered lunch, I didn't have any, tomorrow will be another catered lunch and I will not have any of that either.  I just don't crave carbs when I'm "off" them.  
I was going to take a walk tonight and I got thirty steps from my door and it started raining pretty hard so I came back inside.  I thought about skipping the workout but then a huge rainbow came out and it was beautiful.  I figured it was my time to shine too.  I walked and danced inside my house for almost an hour.  I had so much fun dancing, pretending all my friends were with me, celebrating life.  I was a hot, sweaty mess by the time I got done, and I felt so so good!  I know the choices I am making right now will continue to reward me if I keep making choices that make me feel as beautiful as Joel did when he smiled at me that way.  Even better than those smiles, these things I'm doing for me are from me and for me, which means no one can take them away.  I am all about the choices.  Had pizza one night last week, turned right back to low-carb ever since.  I have choices, I am not restricted to someone else's idea of what I should do, be or eat.  The control I feel is liberating and I wish the same for everyone!

Monday, April 20, 2015

Rainy Days and Monday's

Today was a rainy day and a Monday and temperatures dropped considerably since last week's beautiful 60's and sunny days. The bleakness of the day matches my didn't-sleep-well grog and it had my spirits a lot more down-to-earth today.  I still got a micro-workout in while my breakfast was cooking (walking around my apartment for about 15 minutes.  I was so hungry I couldn't walk any longer.  
Everyone seemed to be in the same slump I was in, everyone yawning and just more mellow today.  Even Joel wasn't his usual smiley self, and I wondered if he was just tired too or if something was wrong.  Then I ran through the what ifs in my head, what if he was scoping my Facebook page and discovered I'm married?  What if he met someone over the weekend?  What if he just doesn't see what he saw anymore?  My big fat answer to myself was, WhO cArEs?!!  The message of the situation has very little to do with this man and so much to do with me, how I see myself and not just because my hair turned out good and I have killer glasses that make me look mysterious and hip.  I felt "flat" today all day, must be the lack of restful sleep.  
Today marked a week since starting to eat better and work out.  I haven't had any cravings to speak of, and it feels pretty easy for me right now because I
I'm not bored with the food. I can tell a difference in how my knee feels, it is much less swollen and hurts less.  And I can tell a difference in my face already.  
Things are slowly heading in a good direction.  It's sad that it took someone else looking at me in admiration to see someone worth fixing, but the purpose of the crush has been put to good use.  

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Don't Stop Believing

Progress report, of sorts.
I am going to stop referring to him as 'lab boy' and call him what I think his name is, Joel.  Yesterday when he came into my office, I was sitting in my back work area, at the counter where his pick up/drop off basket is, doing some file work.  My sensor went off, alerting me that someone was in the room and by the time I was going to peek my head around the corner to see if it was someone that needed help, I saw his arm on the other side of the wall.  He hesitated a minute before moving into view, and then he came and took his work, leaving me mine, smiling his shy, perfect smile the whole time.  He hesitated for a minute before turning to go, pointing with a perfectly toned bicep and me and saying, "You...have a good weekend."  I think the hesitation might have been him trying to work up the nerve to ask me out, but that might just be me assuming.  I smiled back and told him to do the same.  Then, all too soon, he was gone and I was thinking how far away Monday felt.  My head has been a mess with this whole thing.  I have been comparing him to my husband, and that's just not fair.  What Joel is doing to me inside doesn't have anything to do with him or my husband, it has to do with me feeling like I need outside validation.  While Joel is quite attractive, physically really fit, beautiful brown eyes, a killer smile, it isn't fair to my marriage to compare that to my husband (who, by the way, is a fricking KNOCKOUT).  Its the attention I am craving.
Well, my head was a huge mess when I got home on Friday night, and my husband was irritable from a lack of sleep due to an important engagement the prior night.  It brought out some of his less-attractive qualities, and I started to feel a shift in feelings.  It is that easy, right?  One guy is all sweet and (seems) warm and smiles at me like I am some angel, and the other is yelling at my kids for being themselves, and dryly joking (?) with me about something insignificant.  When my husband went into my room to meditate, I decided to go for a walk to think about things.  When I started out, the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful!  I have this pair of Converse shoes with zippers all over that make me feel really punk and cool, so I wore them, and put on a song that I've been playing a lot of (J.A.R by Green Day) because the energy and emotion in that song remind me of spring, of vitality and now, of this situation because I've been playing it in my office, and a few times when Joel has come in, it is playing on my iPhone.  And he grins even bigger hearing my music.  Which makes me feel even cooler.  Anyway, the walk was good.  I was really emotional, going through all sorts of thoughts, what I'd do if Joel found out I am married and stopped looking at me that way, how I'd handle it if he asks me out (I'd be lying if I said I hadn't imagined how it might be to go out on a date with him, but it will never happen), and what it is that I feel I need that I am not getting from my marriage.  I walked so long that there was only a sliver of light left in the sky by the time I reached my driveway, and I felt a little better at least thinking through the scenarios.
Today I woke up and felt 10 pounds lighter, like one little walk could make me a super-fit person all of the sudden.  But that put me in a good mood.  I have been more flirty and joking with my husband today and he has been very receptive to it.  I have been doing really well eating better this week.  I am having a lot more control over things.  Today I went to lunch at a new artsy-fartsy cafe and while they had vegetarian options, they were all carb-centric.  I opted for the hummus pita "pizza" with cucumbers and tomatoes on top, and I stopped eating when I was satisfied instead of just eating the whole thing so that I didn't need to bring it home.  I ate half my pizza and a few homemade chips (they were so good) and brought the rest with.  I am realizing that I am OK with not eating the entire world, and that it actually makes my body feel better.  And I can't say for sure, but I think staying away from the processed sugars is making my knee feel better.  It still hurts but less.  That's a huge deal!
I had a much healthier mindset about Joel today, mostly rehearsing in my head what I'll say if he asks me out.  A nice compliment, tell him that the way he smiles at me makes me high, and that if I weren't married I would have asked him out myself a few weeks ago.  I felt better about it than I have in weeks.  And tonight when I went for another walk I thought about ways that I am already cool, without anyone having a crush on me.  And those things have always been there, they were just silent until he opened me up.  And what has been recovered is that I am an amazing, beautiful, fun person because of who I am.  The external vindication has been wonderful, but it opened me up to something so much more precious, believing that I am an awesome person.  Yes, I am.  And, walking makes me feel good and fresh, and eating cleaner makes me feel alert and energetic, things I haven't felt in a couple years!  I'm sure when I see Joel on Monday, I will still get charmed by his gorgeous smile, but I know that his attention is simply a confirmation of the awesomness that has been there all along.  Now is my turn to just believe it and never let go of that truth.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Good Days at Work.

The lab boy thing is getting a little out of control.  Nothing dramatic had happened, we barely say 2 words to each other and yet, he is smiling so hard even when he's not looking at me, and I have given up trying not to smile at that.  I keep trying to be the voice of reason in my own head, thinking maybe he's only doing that because he thinks I am crushing on him, and maybe he is cocky. And, in the event he gets past the shy guy thing and asks me out, I will look like a tremendous jerk for what I've been allowing to happen.  It's still just smiling, but I feel that it's more for him.  And, today when he walked through I was with a customer but he was smiling without looking at me, and when I looked at him my heart skipped for a minute and I realized that he is attractive, I just didn't want to see it because no good can come from it.  It's just that feeling when you meet someone and they see some good stuff in you that others can't or don't see.  He has me believing I am really something.  And sometimes I'm so convinced that I am a little surprised when I look in the mirror that I'm not some amazingly beautiful creature by most people's standards (or even my own) but he seems to see something.  And, maybe I'm just assuming too much.  Maybe he's just really shy and he does that at all the offices.  Maybe he really is just laughing at me.  All I know is that I haven't wanted to admit to myself that I am attracted to him, or to what I know of him, which isn't a lot, and my conflict isn't over what to do about it, but about whether or not any of it matters since nothing has or will happen.  Everyone wants to feel attractive, and being a fat girl I need a little more reassurance that I am beautiful.  My husband is sweet and appreciative of everything I do, but he never tells me I'm pretty, even when I put in extra effort and think I look good.  I know he feels connected to me on a whole different level and tells me profound, loving things, but...I guess I'm greedy in wanting to know I'm attractive. I know that's my own flaw and I'll have to work through it in order to maintain my sanity long-term but for now I'm going to soak up the situation because it is harmless, and when I am distanced from it enough, I may tell my husband that I need that from him, not from other guys. It is a learning process for me.  I never claimed to be perfect, but I'm willing to learn from my flaws.  

Monday, April 13, 2015

Feeling Groovy

So here's the thing with my lab runner man (think his name is Joel).  He definitely has a little thing for me.  That says a lot about his character since I am back up in the 190-something pound range.  Today when he came to deliver my lab orders he started smiling halfway across the room and I couldn't help myself, I was overcome by smiles too and we were both blushing.  I don't blush often.  I need to reiterate this: I am not attracted to him.  He is not unattractive by any means, but my marriage is so right that I don't have a reason to allowing myself to get caught up in giddiness that won't help anyone.  I wish I could've controlled that better, just smiled a quick smile and let it go.  Not blush and grin like a girl on a mission.  He probably thinks I am interested.  And as for me, after he was gone I was in a fantastic mood, felt so feminine, pretty and cool.  When my UPS man came to drop off a package and had to chase me down from another room, he put his arm around me as we walked across the room, as if we're longtime friends or as if he was displaying chivalry escorting me across the room.  He's never touched me before.  I must say, I felt like I looked good today, it is finally warm enough to wear a skirt and I chose a long flowing one and strappy sandals.  My hair turned out good and I kept my lips glossy which makes them look nice.  Two other men that work in my building made it a point to say hello to me, I didn't even know one of them knew my name.  Maybe all of this Joel thing had me putting out a certain vibe and others were picking up on it.  When a woman feels attractive, she is damn near invincible.  If only our husbands knew this little secret.  I felt so good, like a edgy little goddess rocking my little optical shop.  I kept thinking about Joel and why I care if he's attracted to me when I would never be reciprocating anything.  Was it just the wanting him to want me for the sake of my own ego?  I certainly felt a little bad admitting that I want him to want me even though I would never start anything with him.  But it isn't the power or shallowness of that idea that made me feel awesome today, it's that for once I didn't feel invisible, in a good way!  I stood out, for whatever reason and I felt like an old penny who shines bright when the light hits it just the right way.  I felt special.  And beautiful. And awesome.  And I deserve that from time to time, just like anyone else.  
If Joel gets up the nerve to ask me out I will be up front and tell him I'm married and that will be it.  But until then, it is just a few smiles.  And it inspires me to do more things for myself that make me feel beautiful.  I did a micro workout before work today and I officially started eating low-carb again today in an effort to get some energy and vitality back, and make me feel better physically and emotionally. It is a baby step at this point, but it's a start.  And that's where all journeys begin.  
Here's to feeling fantastic on a Monday!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Outside

Some of my posts have been trapped in not-gonna-go-through land as I marvel at how our technicologically-advanced society can make phones that do amazing things, yet getting a good data connection seems like I'm asking for a miracle!  Oh the hassles of our complex lives!  
Something that's been building in me finally came to a head last week.  I got to that point, the one where I've eaten myself into a corner.  The point where I am so sick of food and nothing sounds appetizing.  I always reach this point when I go for long periods of eating on autopilot, and I've come to realize it is really my body begging for nutrition.  This time I am craving berries and sour/acidic things.  I have been having some berry juices (Naked juices mostly).  It was tasting so good and making me feel good and I gave the thought of a juicing/fruit-and-veggie-only "reboot" again.  So I decided halfway through the week that if I still felt the drive to do this by the time I went grocery shopping in Saturday morning I would just buck up and do it.  I didn't feel the drive by Saturday, but I did feel compelled to eat better and get more nutrients and lay off all the processed, sugary crap I've been eating lately.  I'm trying to play it off in my mind as "eating better" or an experiment to see if my joints feel better on less sugar, but according to the groceries I bought and meals I've planned, it is essentially South Beach Diet vegetarian style.  I actually bought eggs for the first time in 2 years in preparation for these changes.  It took a lot of mental bargaining to come to the decision to buy and eat eggs, but I reasoned that I do eat eggs in other stuff, and those poor baby chickens would be there in the store whether or not I ate them.  I have been craving Eggland's Best eggs for some time so this is giving my body what it's asking for.  This is a new concept for me to listen internally instead of externally.  It will be interesting to see how this week goes, and to see how much of the sugar cravings are from the blood sugar flux and how much of it is the mental game.  I feel better equipped to handle making better choices more of the time. 
Something else has been going on at work that puzzles me.  I have several people that come to my office to drop off goods or pick up eyeglass orders going to the various production labs.  One of our "runners" has been acting funny lately when he comes for the exchange.  He's making small talk, which he used to never do, and before leaving he gets this gigantic smile on his face that he tries to hide.  I haven't really looked at him in any way before, because he was never very social, but ever since he saw me drawing a rockstar Snoopy on our entry door he's been acting strange.  I can't tell if he's laughing at me (an inside joke of some sort) or if he's crushing on me.  I don't feel like crush or flirt material (and I'm not interested anyway, I'm happily married) but it feels good to think someone might think I'm cute/cool despite all the rest.  It made me think about the time when I was my thinnest
I look at this now and I can believe I made it that far down the scale, and I had a ton more confidence and felt more attractive but still somehow felt invisible.  It made me realize that none of that outside attention matters, how I feel inside my skin is what matters.  When I feel good in my own skin, I don't care as much that someone does/doesn't notice me.  I felt good in this picture, at my 20 year class reunion with my bestie, proving to myself that I could do whatever I put my mind to.  I believed in myself without doubt.  That was the exhilarating key to my success.  I hope I can get back there sometime, no matter what I look like from the outside.