Another New Lesson
Valentine's Day has not really been a favorite holiday of mine. Sure, when I was a kid I loved all the treats and the party at school, but so many years I spent waiting for a special Valentine Card only to be disappointed. As an adult, I used to hit all the after-holiday sales to scoop up the gooey jelly hearts and the red-hots; I would plop in front of the TV and eat them mindlessly while I just about drown myself in apathy.
My love-hate relationship with a holiday centered around love mirrored the relationship I had with myself. All those nights I tortured myself crushing on someone that didn't feel the same, I blamed every crushed dream on my being undesirable and unlovable because I was fat. And I was fat because I was weak and lazy and pathetic. It was a horrible cycle of self-abusive thoughts and trying to comfort them away with food.
Even though these things don't mirror my life now- I am happily married to a man I adore- the memory of those feelings is hard to erase. Valentine's Day still makes me feel like eating the treats to make the day feel more special because nothing else that happens today will make me feel special. The truth is, I really don't like the whole commercialized, obligatory gift-giving concept of the holiday, and my husband and I talk very openly about how blessed we feel to have found one another, but the desire to eat foods to make up for some perceived loss is heavier today. And it's not just me, all my female coworkers are scarfing down chocolate today, even the ones who always eat healthy at work (like, 100% of the time, no crutons or dressing on their salad, no bread, etc). Why do we women need someone or something else to make us feel special? I know it goes beyond 'special' to deeper needs, to feel beautiful, desired, loved. A teddy bear and a box of chocolates can't do that for me. I once dated someone who was all into that stuff and would give me all kinds of gifts but then treated me kind of bad. What is the point of the gifts if it doesn't equate to genuine love?
Maybe I'm just a scrooge!
So someone brought in treats at work today, of course. There were glazed donuts and mini candy bars. They were all so pretty in their drippy glaze and shiny red and pink wrappers. I ate a donut and four mini candy bars today. Nothing I will go to Hell for, but they made me feel awful physically and mentally. It has been a couple hours since I ate that damn donut and I still have the sugar-phlegm coating my mouth and throat. Ugh. I don't like the way sugars make my mouth feel! Plus, it gave me the feeling of a brick in my gut, a headache, and makes me tired. Where's the win in that? Will I ever learn when it comes to sugar? I think it will make me or the day feel more special but it really doesn't. The day is going to keep on going the way it was going and I will just simply have a phlegmy throat and a brick in my gut. I would like to say I am going to remember this next time I am faced with such things. I believe I've said that before.
What I will do, because I think the learned patterns are so easily repeated unless we do something to break the cycle, is create a new tradition for my family that has nothing to do with candy and waiting for someone else to validate us as people. I will make a healthy meal and we can play games or talk about our ancestors named Valentin/Valentine (we have multitudes of men with that name in our family). We can look at photos of family and realize how very important we are and how lucky we are to have each other.
I ate something I didn't need but I won't say it was 'unproductive' like I usually do. I learned from that donut. I learned the patterns of past hurt that weakened my reasoning by feeling emotions that turn out to not be current feelings but memories /patterns from a different time that I am allowing to have power over me still. I learned (again) that I really dislike what sugary stuff feels like in my mouth, and boy does it linger! I learned that donuts don't have the power to make a day more special, but I do!
My love-hate relationship with a holiday centered around love mirrored the relationship I had with myself. All those nights I tortured myself crushing on someone that didn't feel the same, I blamed every crushed dream on my being undesirable and unlovable because I was fat. And I was fat because I was weak and lazy and pathetic. It was a horrible cycle of self-abusive thoughts and trying to comfort them away with food.
Even though these things don't mirror my life now- I am happily married to a man I adore- the memory of those feelings is hard to erase. Valentine's Day still makes me feel like eating the treats to make the day feel more special because nothing else that happens today will make me feel special. The truth is, I really don't like the whole commercialized, obligatory gift-giving concept of the holiday, and my husband and I talk very openly about how blessed we feel to have found one another, but the desire to eat foods to make up for some perceived loss is heavier today. And it's not just me, all my female coworkers are scarfing down chocolate today, even the ones who always eat healthy at work (like, 100% of the time, no crutons or dressing on their salad, no bread, etc). Why do we women need someone or something else to make us feel special? I know it goes beyond 'special' to deeper needs, to feel beautiful, desired, loved. A teddy bear and a box of chocolates can't do that for me. I once dated someone who was all into that stuff and would give me all kinds of gifts but then treated me kind of bad. What is the point of the gifts if it doesn't equate to genuine love?
Maybe I'm just a scrooge!
So someone brought in treats at work today, of course. There were glazed donuts and mini candy bars. They were all so pretty in their drippy glaze and shiny red and pink wrappers. I ate a donut and four mini candy bars today. Nothing I will go to Hell for, but they made me feel awful physically and mentally. It has been a couple hours since I ate that damn donut and I still have the sugar-phlegm coating my mouth and throat. Ugh. I don't like the way sugars make my mouth feel! Plus, it gave me the feeling of a brick in my gut, a headache, and makes me tired. Where's the win in that? Will I ever learn when it comes to sugar? I think it will make me or the day feel more special but it really doesn't. The day is going to keep on going the way it was going and I will just simply have a phlegmy throat and a brick in my gut. I would like to say I am going to remember this next time I am faced with such things. I believe I've said that before.
What I will do, because I think the learned patterns are so easily repeated unless we do something to break the cycle, is create a new tradition for my family that has nothing to do with candy and waiting for someone else to validate us as people. I will make a healthy meal and we can play games or talk about our ancestors named Valentin/Valentine (we have multitudes of men with that name in our family). We can look at photos of family and realize how very important we are and how lucky we are to have each other.
I ate something I didn't need but I won't say it was 'unproductive' like I usually do. I learned from that donut. I learned the patterns of past hurt that weakened my reasoning by feeling emotions that turn out to not be current feelings but memories /patterns from a different time that I am allowing to have power over me still. I learned (again) that I really dislike what sugary stuff feels like in my mouth, and boy does it linger! I learned that donuts don't have the power to make a day more special, but I do!
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