I love love love author Geneen Roth and you will see why if you read This Blog Post.  I have been reading her books for a few years now, and for a while I gave her methods a half-hearted try, always I give them some consideration, but I realized that I have been using them as an excuse to eat whatever I want without regard for the rest of the work that goes into mindful eating.  It left me wondering, for about the billionth time in my life, how others could make something so simple and intuitive work and I just couldn't.  Then I read that post and it seemed so much clearer.  She is not doing magic, she put in some hard work until it felt natural.  She fixed her thinking and the food became less of a struggle.  It takes 66-roughly 300 days for most people to make that happen, but when you give up, you have to start all over.  I don't think I ever truly gave myself 66 days of truly trying her method, but it always draws me back because it seems one that affords a great peace, not just with food but also with my whole self.  I love her books because when I read them it helps to move me out of my habitual ways of looking at things to a more helpful and healing way to look at the past and the present.  So Geneen Roth fits in really well with my PPF project, and I intend to focus more on this over the summer.
Thursday night, though I was planning a yoga session after work, I changed my mind.  My dog had just gotten back from being walked (thank you husband) and he was laying down panting hard and he was so hot his little tongue was dripping.  He looked like he felt really good though, alert and happy.  I realized that, as much as I can use the stretching, my heart needs to be worked out like that too, so I hopped on the stationary bike.  I started to feel my leg muscles agonizing after a few short minutes, but I reminded myself that before I know it the endorphins will kick in, and I kept pedaling.  Once I got up to 15 minutes I wanted to stop but I knew I could push a little more and at least make it to 20 minutes.  Before I got to 20 minutes my endorphins kicked in and I decided to push it a little further, and before I knew it I was at a point where I knew I could do 30 minutes.  That is a first for me.  I pedaled hard for 30 minutes, then I put 5 more minutes in at a cool-down pace.  To my surprise, my legs were not even very sore the next day.  I was a hot sweaty mess, but I felt pretty good, and my pride in myself was pretty high after pushing to reach a new goal.
 Everything felt great until I was settling into bed to sleep and my phone lit up with a message from my sister. "Mom is having problems with her lungs again."  About a year and a half ago, my mom was having so much trouble breathing that she went into the emergency room.  Her oxygen level was so low they wouldn't release her.  She couldn't even put her shoes on without not being able to catch her breath.  They told her that she has COPD and she refused to believe them so she never got treatment.  She has proceeded to make up every exscuse in the book for her lungs not working right, allergies, a bad mattress, too much dust in the leaves she raked, too much lint from the get the picture.  She is in denial.  And she hasn't stopped smoking.  She is trying all sorts of natural remedies (I'm not sure what the topic she's googling is) and still her lungs are making such a rattle.  She refuses to get it checked out because she doesn't want another doctor to tell her it's COPD.  I understand that it must be scary, but I also know she is racked with guilt over not being able (or willing?) to quit smoking.  This is the same woman who told me that she would rather drive herself down south and find a field somewhere to die rather than be a burden to us.  This is the same woman who told us that by law, if we dump her body on the courhouse steps, they have to take care of her body and we can't get in trouble for doing it.  So I have been talking to her a little more often since this, and she did tell me she thinks she will go have it checked out, but later told my sister she won't.  Then she told me she is sending my son some money to put toward buying his first car and she said, "I will include a note as to why I feel like I owe him this now."  He doesn't turn 16 until September, so now I am worried that she is going to try and kill herself.  I will know more once I get the letter.
Needless to say, I am stressed out. She is so unpredictable and she  has the most stubborn pride I have ever witnessed!  Despite that, I did pretty well at trying to keep my eating sane.  We did have pizza on Friday, a family dinner, and I had a no-sugar-added Klondike bar after a hot afternoon out walking around the historical park with my kids, but honestly, I haven't been focusing on food as much because my mind is so preoccupied right now.  That's a good thing, in the past I would have been eating all kinds of junk to try and numb the emotions. 
I did, however, stop tracking and I didn't put effort into my PPF project or the Me Project at all.  I was actually feeling worn out through the weekend, and then Aunt Flow came to visit, which explains a lot.  I didn't have the usual sweet and fat cravings like normal this time;  I was craving peanut butter but didn't have any. 
So my intention this week is to get back on track with the PPF.  I am also staying in touch with my mom, checking in and I will keep encouraging her to go in to have it checked out.  At the same time, I have to find a way to make peace with whatever her decision is.  She is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions regarding her health.  I am not in her shoes so I can't judge her actions by my morals or my own emotional reaction to what she's going through. That is something that will take time to come to terms with, but for my own self-preservation I have to find a way to understand and be OK with it.  I will lose her early in life, she is 65 and started smoking at the age of 11.  I have to find a way to accept that or it will destroy me when it happens.  I don't know if she would have the heart to kill herself, especially with how close she is to her granddaughter (my sister's youngest), but I can't say it doesn't worry me.  I will have very open communication with her and let her know if she wants moral support I will go with her to the doctor. She will decline because I live 1 and a half hours away from her, but I would make it work however I have to if she's willing.
Anyway, my focus is a little diverted from just the Me Project and the PPF stuff, life gets in the way sometimes and as much as I know these projects are so needed and worthy, sometimes I have to put other stuff first. 


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