Belief

I came across this meme recently, and it really Made me stop and reflect on the past 6 months of my life. June was where so much changed for me. Mostly, it was all really positive things happening, I got on anxiety medicine, I started getting myself and my art into bigger markets, I participated in 2 street art programs, I did some larger events, and after 5 years on my church board, I finally gave up my position in order to free up some time for growing my art business. Last summer I used more of my vacation days than I have in my life, and those were days I used to paint, or prepare for events, or visit friends and family, or just go for a drive with my husband and end up on a different part of Lake Michigan and grab a bite to eat. There was a lot of food. Food as a celebration, food as a banner that I was on vacation, food as a habit of what we do when we go for a drive. I said it in my last post, I regained about 10 pounds from all the extra laxity in my eating over the summer. Part of me wanted to cry at how easily something I felt I had a solid grasp on (this time) slipped away. During summer I had already made my mind up that I would just wait until the end of summer to get back on track. Not that I went completely off track, I mostly did well with food Monday-Friday but there were a lot of weeks where I took Fridays off, so we'd end up treating Thursday and Friday like A Friday night and go out to eat. I just indulged more than I should have over summer. October was hit and miss, but I was able to get my mind in a better place, but I didn't really put effort into getting more consistently on track until November. I didn't really struggle until we went out to eat, and I had gotten so in the habit of eating whatever I wanted when we went out, that I felt that familiar sting of food-jealousy and apathy as I ate a salad or a naked cheeseburger patty, while my husband ate a cheeseburger and fries. Still, I knew that I was getting dangerously close to just slipping back into old terrible habits after 3 years of being in control of my food habits, and I knew that if I was going to have a chance of turning it back around, I needed to muscle through the tough stuff. I went 2 solid weeks without one off-plan bite. Then, last Saturday, there was a fall festival at the neighborhood church, and they had a taco truck come from a larger city. We don't have any Mexican restaurants in town so it was a big deal for us and I knew when I started back on track that I was saving my first cheat meal for that. I got a plate that is rice with chicken, steak and shrimp, with onions, peppers and cheese. It was so good. Once my mind was in a better place with food and fasting, I decided that a true test will be to allow myself one higher carb meal per weekend. The idea is to get myself back to the place where having something off-plan doesn't turn into a slippery slope of "anything goes". It's way easier to be 100% on plan or 100% off plan, it takes a lot more control to allow a little bit of off-plan without going overboard. It is such a mental game, isn't it? Near the end of October, I visited my friend from my hometown. I hadn't seen her in a couple years. We met in Jr High, some 30+ years ago. She has cerebral palsy but one of the reasons I took to her so easily is because she didn't let anything hold her back. She asked out the most popular guys in school, entered dance contests and when someone wanted to beat me up in the girls bathroom, she was the one to step in front of me and tell that chick she'd have to go through her to get to me. She married years before I met my love, but we stayed friends through marriage and kids and getting older. I considered her my best friend until the past couple years when a pretty nasty (verbal) fight left us both with scars that I don't think will ever heal. She has had a handful of rough years, her health is declining rapidly for someone who is only 52, as she sort of stopped taking care of herself. She lost her husband last fall and I am afraid she just simply stopped taking care of even the most basic things like brushing her teeth or changing her clothes. While I am compassionate to her grief, she denies that she is depressed and refuses to hear of anything other than snake oil sales pitches for "magic vitamins" that can make her feel better and lose weight and win the lottery. When I tried to tell her about the benefit of doing kegel exercises to help reduce bladder leakage, she immediately shuts down and says, "I can't do all that stuff normal people do." And I explain it's a very small group of muscles and doesn't require standing up or moving around to train them, but her immediate answer to anything that requires any change or effort, is "I can't." This is not like her, but it's her new normal. I understand if she's not in the right headspace to even think about eating healthier or say, joining a support group to talk to others who've gone through the same experience, but to be so closed off to everything positive is so sad to see. It's like she truly believes she can't do, be,or have anything positive. And that's so very critical to have if you have any hope of taking a step forward. How many times have I given up on eating healthy when things got hard? Hundreds or maybe thousands. But I'm still here fighting for this ideal I'm striving for, because I truly believe I CAN do it. And I know that progress trumps perfection every time because progress is sustainable. I know that, as much as I care about my friend and I'll try to be there for her, I can't make her belive in herself, no one can. And when your mind is made up that you can't do something, why would you even try? So one of the thingsI am gratefulfor this Thanksgiving is that I still believe I can do hard things, and I know that even if I fall short of my goals, trying is progress. Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate!