Queen of Should

Does anyone else feel so thick and sleepy this July 5th?  And no, I didn't drink alcohol yesterday, it was too hot and humid to even consider that (for me, at least).  The fireworks kept me awake because apparently the people who live around me must not have to work and feel that 11pm or later is a perfectly fine time to shoot off noisy fireworks.  As Julia Child would say, "Balls to that!"
Anyway...I did have a fairly nice time at the in-laws, hanging out with family.  One of my husband's step sisters recently had gastric bypass due to health issues.  She wasn't morbidly obese, may 60-ish pounds overweight, but high blood pressure runs in the family and I guess hers was getting dangerously high.  For me, it is bittersweet to see someone else losing weight.  At first blush, I am jealous.  I admit it.  I want to look good too.  But then I think of the restrictions, the pain, the nausea, the malabsorbtion, and the fact that the inside stuff still isn't fixed just because the outside looks better and I just feel a little deflated after going through that mental journey.  I guess I'm still vaulnerable to that seemingly intrinsic hope that I will somehow drive myself to do all the right stuff and lose a bunch of weight and suddenly I will be 25 again and be full of energy and have no thyroid issue and no pain, and no bills and I will go to the beach and spend hours meditating every day...you get the picture.  I can't say that losing weight doesn't lift my mood, but all the everyday stresses are still there, but the one favorite coping crutch-food-isn't.  There in lies the dillema for everyone. 
I have been thinking a lot about the message I received about letting go of 'shoulds'.  I am recognizing all the times I am allowing myself to say yes when I don't want to.  I am letting others direct me to do things I don't want to do.  One night after coming home from a hectic day at work, my 13-year old son said he had a message for me.  He handed me a sticky note that read, 'Do the dishes, they are dirty.'  It's true, I had been putting it off because it was so bloody hot and sticky, and I just have been feeling so wiped out that I just didn't feel like scraping off crud that my lazy kids haven't gotten in the habit of doing yet.  I snarked at him, " Do them yourself if you need them so bad" knowing full well that we have failed as parents for making my autistic sons responsible.  They are fully capable, but it takes SO. MUCH. EFFORT to get them to do anything that I just give up and do it.  It is getting really old though.  This is one area where I am allowing shoulds left and right.  I should teach them how to do these things.  I should inforce this.  I should keep up on this every single night so we never just have dishes sitting by the sink with stuff caked on.  I should make them earn things instead of them having free reign of everything.  I should.  But Oh! The energy involved in all that just isn't there.  Then I think, I should just hire a damn maid!  But alas, I am trying to let go of some of the shoulds.  We do make the kids clean up their messes but dishes just aren't a thing we've forced yet.  I am a little too picky with how it's done because they are very picky about how the dishes come out. 
Another thing I have been letting fly is the shoulds of giving up my time when all I really want is to be home.  I get it, you don't have adventures when you are in the same place, but it is rejuvenating and therapeudic for me.  Holidays are always planned for us, so having a day off work doesn't really mean a full, nice day to enjoy it with my family so much as having to go somewhere and do something.  I shouldn't complain, my mother-in-law outdoes herself with all the food and such, but the noise level just wears me out and I end up feeling very unrested the day after.  I feel like I have to always be "on" and sometimes I just wish I could say, "I think I'm going to stay home this time."  That would not be well-received.  Maybe once my thyroid is fixed I'll have more energy for these things too, but right now...
One area where I have let the 'shoulds' go is that it has been one stinking HOT summer so far and I have held up to my promise I made myself that I would go sleeveless whenever I want to and ignore any negative thoughts that wanted to creep in about how my arms look.  Man, it seems like such a small thing, but it really feels refreshing, like a freedom.  Not having to cover up, yes, but not worrying about how anyone else feels about my arms...YES!  And the best part is, I don't even cringe when I see my arms in the mirror.  I was thinking about this one day and I realized that if anyone ever said anything about my arms I would say, "I love my arms, they have done wonderful things for me and I am grateful they are still able to do all these wonderful things!  They have carried babies, and groceries, they have allowed me to hang and twirl and enjoy a playground, they have helped me fix things for others, they help me make my dog feel warm and loved and safe, they have wrapped around the man I love.  Yep, my arms are pretty wonderful."  And then I realize that my arms are just one tiny 'should' that I have let go of and it feels so amazing.  Imagine what it would be like to let some more go. 
I have been speaking my mind more, which means I am more giving too, but it feels a little like taking me back.  I have been meditating more, which feels like a few minutes to escape into peace for me.  I have even been doing a little stretching and taking the dog for actual walks on occassion, which is good for me and the dog, but I don't feel guilty if I don't do something.  I am trying to listen to my inner voice about what it is that I truly want.  Most times, I want peace and rest, but sometimes I am surprised that it tells me it wants an adventure. 
I am bored with food to the point where I almost feel turned off about it or even repulsed.  I am considering supplementing or replacing a few meals with a protein shake or bar.  My best laid plans for food for the week often go astray due to disinterest, having to prep stuff, or just running out of something or having it spoil.  Food annoys me sometimes.  There are times when I wish humans just didn't even need to eat.  I'll figure something out, but I hate these phases.  I'd almost rather go through periods of strong cravings than just be 'over' food. 
Anyway.  I feel like I don't really have anything new to say, and that's why I don't blog as often as I used to.  It feels good when I do though, so I'll keep it up.   Blah blah blabbidy blah.  Have a good weekend everyone!

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