Baby Steps

Things are going smooth and easy this week.  I did much better with not going off the rails last weekend, which is good because weekends have always been tricky for me.  Friday night we went to dinner.  My youngest son was begging to order pizza but I just imagined all that grease and cheese sitting in my gut like a load of bricks, so I convinced him to to to a local sit-down place that is quiet and cozy.  I had the blackened tuna steak on a bed of wild rice with steamed veggies.  The seasoning on the tuna was phenomenal and when I was done I felt so satisfied.  I left some of the rice because I was genuinely full.  I had a beer with dinner, so that was kind of my treat.  Saturday is grocery day, another place I usually have a hard time because when I get home with all the stuff I immediately want to dig in, not wanting to miss out on anything because two teenage boys means sometimes I don't even get to try something before it disappears.  I headed off that challenge by buying some low-carb snacks I could have.  Baked cheese "chips" and lots of fruit.  I have been making myself eat more bananas for the potassium, and I will tell you, I miss them when I don't have them.  So other than a few tastes of chips here and there, I pretty much stuck to a sensible menu on Saturday too.  Yay me!  I had another beer on Saturday.  I didn't need it and wasn't craving it, but once I took a sip of my husband's I just went ahead and had a full one.  I didn't fully enjoy it, lesson learned; unless I'm really in the mood for one, it's not worth it.  Not the end of the world, considering.  Sunday was just pretty normal until church, where we always stay for potluck dinner.  I had a hotdog with bun (gasp!) and some baked beans and a huge slice of watermelon and a homemade brownie.  It was pretty good!  From there on out it was all sane eating.  Much more successful than any other weekend I can remember in recent history.  And truly what was driving me was thinking about my heart, and how much water-retention I had before getting on this diuretic.  I don't like the implications.  I know I have tried to make this about my health before and failed, but I realize that I have these defining moments in life where reality sinks in that I am not invincible, that bad things can happen to me when I don't do what I know will yield healthy results.  I have always just skated by doing whatever I want because for years and years it didn't show up in any health screenings.  Blood good, flexible, good muscle build, teeth good.  I started to feel like I was the exception to all those rules.  I could go days without brushing my teeth (I know, gross, but that is depression and low self esteem, you just don't feel like taking care of yourself in any manner) and not have cavities, but then it caught up with me and now I've had 3 crowns and some cavities after a 12-year break from the dentist.  And I've lost a tooth completely because the filling disintegrated, then so did the tooth.  Now, just like my teeth are proving me wrong about all that, my body is taking it a step further with the rest.  I'm achy, tired (although, that has improved for sure) have spots that feel like they are arthritic already, my thyroid isn't working right (probably due to all that yo-yo dieting I've done) and of course, the high blood pressure and water retention.  My body is telling me what I don't want to believe, that it is out of balance and needs compassionate care.  And I'm really starting to feel that if I don't do it this time, I'm going to have to resign myself for the additional, componding aches and pains and weakness that comes along with aging prematurely due to poor choices.  It's not self-bashing but a wake up call perhaps. 
I'm just grateful that I took time to work on the mental aspect of eating.  I'm not "cured" I don't know if anyone ever is, but I'm in a much healthier state of mind about it all.  I feel much more calm and peaceful, and I never feel that I can't have something if I truly want it, but the difference, at least at the moment, is I have a bit of what I'm wanting, I feel satisfied, then I move on with my life and typically stay pretty sane.  I feel like what I'm doing now is sustainable.  It's not rocket science, I'm not burning myself out trying to find complicated recipes or spending hours at the gym.  I am eating healthier, watching my carbs and sodium, and stretching nearly every day.  I know I need to strengthen my muscles because that's what causing my tendons and joints to ache (at least, that's my self-diagnosis) and to help my bones stay strong as I barrel toward menopause.  I guess I am starting to have hope that I can turn things around so that I do age gracefully, my mind is still fighting the working out thing because I already hurt, but I know I'm early enough into this that I can turn it around.  I can fix myself.  What a fantastic thing to know!