Plans with Wiggle Room
Soooo...I always get lofty ideals about doing stuff in the future that my in-the-moment self agrees to but it turns out my future self never signed up for. I know, it's somewhat mind-over-matter, I know I will feel good if I do something physical, but here I am again admitting I didn't do what I said I was going to. I lasted for 4 whole days. On the weekend, I did a nice vigourous walk with my dog for 40 minutes but Sunday and Monday I did nothing. Partly because I have vertigo right now, but I know that is also an excuse because my vertigo wouldn't be bothered by getting on the stationary bike. It is caused by a stuffy inner ear, which is likely caused by sinuses that don't drain properly. It has been a week and I am really tired of it!
Life really does get in the way because I let it. I can't say that I will ever change that consistently. I have to accept that. If I haven't found a way, after nearly 46 years of being around, maybe it honestly will never happen. Except, it happens sometimes, just never all the time. I knew that, despite the challenge motivating me, my feelings of complete lack of time would sway me. Last week was easier because my kids only had 2 days of school, which meant an extra hour of time for me in the morning, normally during the school year, if I want to do that I would have to wake up earlier than I already do (5am). So all the same mind games are still happening. Sunday's excuse was that I had church, which takes a huge chunk of the day and our hour long meditation calms and lifts me,but also leaves me feeling really drained afterword. Another excuse. I have a whole bunch of them.
Despite all that, I am in really good spirits. I am working at changing the way I feel about this time of year, (not happy, complaining all the time, depressed) by trying to feel the cheer of the holidays, focusing on the things I really like about the season (the lights, the decorations, seeing family, memories of playing outside all winter long) and I am thinking of trying ice skating again this year. I have been wanting to make it happen since last winter but I never motivated myself to do it. If I enjoy ice skating, it will give me something concrete to really look forward to winter fo, not just Christmas and New Year's. That is a big project for me, this trying to not hate winter bit, but it is a HUGE thing for my mental state. At some point I need to be able to maintain mental health during this very prominent and enduring 6 months or I will just be a sloppy mess when the sun starts changing in August, until it comes back in May. That has been miserable for me so it's worth working on.
And, in the end, the challenge isn't over just because I took a couple days off. I am still in the game. I am easing into something that I hope will end up being consistent, will boost my mood and make me feel stronger, more confident and able to move with greater ease. I am much more aware now when I am going through periods of low self-worth and low self-care, it feels really bad to me to treat myself that way, physically and mentally, it doesn't magically heal me to do nothing, although I seem to think it will. It's like a donut, I always think it's going to be the best experience, but in reality I find it kind of disgusting and then my stomach feels awful. Perception and reality are so often writing two different stories!
Making plans for my future self is great and all, but I'm learning that sometimes the best way to develop a plan is to leave room for change.
Anyway, I feel really positive and good right now so I am grateful for that always, no matter what brings it. I'm starting to look forward to the beauty of the snow when it arrives. Yes, I still have anxiety about driving in it, I may always have, but driving in it and looking out the window at it, the soft fluffy blanket of sparkle, are two separate things; I was just allowing my anxiety to decide how to feel about anything remotely related to snow. I am making progress. We'll see how I feel about it when I really have to start driving in it. For now, I will take all the positives and keep moving forward.
Life really does get in the way because I let it. I can't say that I will ever change that consistently. I have to accept that. If I haven't found a way, after nearly 46 years of being around, maybe it honestly will never happen. Except, it happens sometimes, just never all the time. I knew that, despite the challenge motivating me, my feelings of complete lack of time would sway me. Last week was easier because my kids only had 2 days of school, which meant an extra hour of time for me in the morning, normally during the school year, if I want to do that I would have to wake up earlier than I already do (5am). So all the same mind games are still happening. Sunday's excuse was that I had church, which takes a huge chunk of the day and our hour long meditation calms and lifts me,but also leaves me feeling really drained afterword. Another excuse. I have a whole bunch of them.
Despite all that, I am in really good spirits. I am working at changing the way I feel about this time of year, (not happy, complaining all the time, depressed) by trying to feel the cheer of the holidays, focusing on the things I really like about the season (the lights, the decorations, seeing family, memories of playing outside all winter long) and I am thinking of trying ice skating again this year. I have been wanting to make it happen since last winter but I never motivated myself to do it. If I enjoy ice skating, it will give me something concrete to really look forward to winter fo, not just Christmas and New Year's. That is a big project for me, this trying to not hate winter bit, but it is a HUGE thing for my mental state. At some point I need to be able to maintain mental health during this very prominent and enduring 6 months or I will just be a sloppy mess when the sun starts changing in August, until it comes back in May. That has been miserable for me so it's worth working on.
And, in the end, the challenge isn't over just because I took a couple days off. I am still in the game. I am easing into something that I hope will end up being consistent, will boost my mood and make me feel stronger, more confident and able to move with greater ease. I am much more aware now when I am going through periods of low self-worth and low self-care, it feels really bad to me to treat myself that way, physically and mentally, it doesn't magically heal me to do nothing, although I seem to think it will. It's like a donut, I always think it's going to be the best experience, but in reality I find it kind of disgusting and then my stomach feels awful. Perception and reality are so often writing two different stories!
Making plans for my future self is great and all, but I'm learning that sometimes the best way to develop a plan is to leave room for change.
Anyway, I feel really positive and good right now so I am grateful for that always, no matter what brings it. I'm starting to look forward to the beauty of the snow when it arrives. Yes, I still have anxiety about driving in it, I may always have, but driving in it and looking out the window at it, the soft fluffy blanket of sparkle, are two separate things; I was just allowing my anxiety to decide how to feel about anything remotely related to snow. I am making progress. We'll see how I feel about it when I really have to start driving in it. For now, I will take all the positives and keep moving forward.
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| I do not own the rights to this photo. |
No worries, sometimes your body (or mind) need a day off from exercise. As much as I love it and how it makes me feel, I take at least one day off nearly every week either due to stuff going on or just feeling tired.
ReplyDeleteI agree! I think my weight loss is one of the only things I have trouble putting in the grey area, I always think I have to be 100% on or I'm all the way off. I am learning. You're right, some days are just too crazy physically, mentally or time-management wise and I need to not beat myself up for that.
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