How does it Feel?
Yesterday I was restless at work. It was exactly that state of mind that made me decide to go back to college in 2012, which was not fun while working full time and raising a family, but I did it. And I am still in the same job as I was in before I went back for my bachelor's. Sheesh. When I get restless I want to learn something new, get good at it. I get crazy ideas about how to make money without working for someone else. I want to immerse myself in a life that has more charisma than my current one (and more free time, thank you very much). Maybe I was just bored. I did practice some hand lettering that I have been inconsistently practicing while thinking again about how early it is to put up Halloween decorations even though I really want to!
The early wake up is sitting OK with me. Today when I saw that Day 2 of Yoga Camp was a 52 minute class I almost skipped it altogether (telling myself I would have to do it after work because I don't have 52 minutes in my morning, even when I get up at 4:15). Then I decided not to think too hard and just dove in, knowing I would have to skip some parts or quit when it hit my time limit. I actually fast-forwarded through a few parts and skipped some of the very end of the class where it is more of a meditative cool-down. I still got about 40 minutes of yoga in and felt good. Today there were some balances, and yesterday we did tree pose too and I am less wobbly and falling out of the pose way less than when I began doing this. I have now completed 63 days of yoga in roughly 66 days. Like everything in life, if I focus on some expectation, I feel like there is not a lot of change in me. I do feel like I have firmed up, which is noticable in small areas like being able to cross my legs easier or being able to engage my stomach muscles to help me out when I'm doing a certain move. It has not helped the number on the scale one bit. In fact, I weighed Monday late morning and I was at 189 pounds, 2 pounds heavier than when I started the last 30 day series. Thankfully, I don't put a lot of stock in the scale because I know my water weight fluctuates and I was also in the middle of a visit from Aunt Flow. Anyway, my mind nags me about my physique and I have to remind myself that I never started this to try and look like a fitness model. Old thought patterns are hard to move past aren't they? The more I think of it as a way to change my physique, the more I get depressed about how much harder I would have to work, how much more strict I would have to be with food, and I just don't want to have to work that hard for something that I have already proven to myself won't, in and of itself, make me happy. So I'm going to keep on 'doing me' and work towards feeling good and try to keep reminding myself that feeling good leads to genuine happiness, looking good is just one-dimensional and lets others' opinions of me sway how I feel about myself. For instance, haven't you had moments after a great workout where you are a sweaty mess, look frightful, but you feel so darn good that you don't even care how you look? That's how I know which one matters more. I have had days when I feel like I look good but then something stressful comes along and any momentary mood lift I took from my appearance dissapeared, leaving me feeling stressed out or down right irritable. How I feel matters more, it comes from a more true place.
And this is part of what I want to start working on, more for how I feel mentally than physically (because the yoga is taking care of the physical part fairly well). Now that I have been able to adapt some good habits and know that I can do it consistently, I want to start working on my attitude. I have hinted before at trying to stop complaining but have never given it a serious attempt. Whenever I bring my awareness to how much I complain or whine, I am amazed at how the negativity defines me. I sound like my mom so much when I complain. Often things I complain about are either out of my control or insignificant anyway, so my negative words are so useless and only put a dark cloud over me and anyone within earshot of my whining. This is a learned habit, it doesn't make me happy at all (much to the contrary) and I want to nip it in the bud because I think I will feel a lot happier. Part of the practice of not complaining is to appreciate. When you appreciate a thing you don't complain about it. So I will be working on restructuring my thoughts. When I have an urge to complain about something, my first stopper is to not speak, to take the thought internally and identify it as negative, find the positive of the situation or the appreciation of it, and if I still feel it's necessary to talk about it, I will say something positive about it. The Dalai Lama says that in every situation you either win or you learn, and there is a positive lesson in everything we encounter. To focus on the the negative robs you of happieness; to focus on the positive creates happiness even in situations you were not initially happy about. My mind has been the thing that has kept me from feeling true happiness and I do feel like the biggest challenge in life is to quiet the mind. The negative judgement I turn toward myself keeps me worried about the external shallow things that don't, in the end, amount to much in life, that is all part of a learned cycle that we jump into when we agree with society that how we look equates to our self-worth. It may have taken me 40-some years to figure out that no one other than me is in control of how I feel about anything, including my body. The years I have left will be happy, not because I won't face any kind of adversity, but because I am choosing happy, regardless of all the rest of the chaos that comprises life. This starts with one seemingly small goal of reframing the negative thoughts that crop up in my mind. Crow pose, healthy mind...I'm going to keep working until I accomplish my goals!
The early wake up is sitting OK with me. Today when I saw that Day 2 of Yoga Camp was a 52 minute class I almost skipped it altogether (telling myself I would have to do it after work because I don't have 52 minutes in my morning, even when I get up at 4:15). Then I decided not to think too hard and just dove in, knowing I would have to skip some parts or quit when it hit my time limit. I actually fast-forwarded through a few parts and skipped some of the very end of the class where it is more of a meditative cool-down. I still got about 40 minutes of yoga in and felt good. Today there were some balances, and yesterday we did tree pose too and I am less wobbly and falling out of the pose way less than when I began doing this. I have now completed 63 days of yoga in roughly 66 days. Like everything in life, if I focus on some expectation, I feel like there is not a lot of change in me. I do feel like I have firmed up, which is noticable in small areas like being able to cross my legs easier or being able to engage my stomach muscles to help me out when I'm doing a certain move. It has not helped the number on the scale one bit. In fact, I weighed Monday late morning and I was at 189 pounds, 2 pounds heavier than when I started the last 30 day series. Thankfully, I don't put a lot of stock in the scale because I know my water weight fluctuates and I was also in the middle of a visit from Aunt Flow. Anyway, my mind nags me about my physique and I have to remind myself that I never started this to try and look like a fitness model. Old thought patterns are hard to move past aren't they? The more I think of it as a way to change my physique, the more I get depressed about how much harder I would have to work, how much more strict I would have to be with food, and I just don't want to have to work that hard for something that I have already proven to myself won't, in and of itself, make me happy. So I'm going to keep on 'doing me' and work towards feeling good and try to keep reminding myself that feeling good leads to genuine happiness, looking good is just one-dimensional and lets others' opinions of me sway how I feel about myself. For instance, haven't you had moments after a great workout where you are a sweaty mess, look frightful, but you feel so darn good that you don't even care how you look? That's how I know which one matters more. I have had days when I feel like I look good but then something stressful comes along and any momentary mood lift I took from my appearance dissapeared, leaving me feeling stressed out or down right irritable. How I feel matters more, it comes from a more true place.
And this is part of what I want to start working on, more for how I feel mentally than physically (because the yoga is taking care of the physical part fairly well). Now that I have been able to adapt some good habits and know that I can do it consistently, I want to start working on my attitude. I have hinted before at trying to stop complaining but have never given it a serious attempt. Whenever I bring my awareness to how much I complain or whine, I am amazed at how the negativity defines me. I sound like my mom so much when I complain. Often things I complain about are either out of my control or insignificant anyway, so my negative words are so useless and only put a dark cloud over me and anyone within earshot of my whining. This is a learned habit, it doesn't make me happy at all (much to the contrary) and I want to nip it in the bud because I think I will feel a lot happier. Part of the practice of not complaining is to appreciate. When you appreciate a thing you don't complain about it. So I will be working on restructuring my thoughts. When I have an urge to complain about something, my first stopper is to not speak, to take the thought internally and identify it as negative, find the positive of the situation or the appreciation of it, and if I still feel it's necessary to talk about it, I will say something positive about it. The Dalai Lama says that in every situation you either win or you learn, and there is a positive lesson in everything we encounter. To focus on the the negative robs you of happieness; to focus on the positive creates happiness even in situations you were not initially happy about. My mind has been the thing that has kept me from feeling true happiness and I do feel like the biggest challenge in life is to quiet the mind. The negative judgement I turn toward myself keeps me worried about the external shallow things that don't, in the end, amount to much in life, that is all part of a learned cycle that we jump into when we agree with society that how we look equates to our self-worth. It may have taken me 40-some years to figure out that no one other than me is in control of how I feel about anything, including my body. The years I have left will be happy, not because I won't face any kind of adversity, but because I am choosing happy, regardless of all the rest of the chaos that comprises life. This starts with one seemingly small goal of reframing the negative thoughts that crop up in my mind. Crow pose, healthy mind...I'm going to keep working until I accomplish my goals!
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