Beautiful Chaos

With last week ans weekend ending less than stellar, I glided on autopilot through the weekend, eating whatever I wanted; cookies, Chips, fish fry with potatoes...by Sunday evening, despite our long walk on the beach, I was feeling bad physically and mentally. I was so frustrated at feeling that way too. If eating garbage makes me feel like garbage, why does my brain keep telling me that's what I want? I know the biochemical mechanisms that keep me wanting these foods that trigger the pleasure centers of the brain but I don't stop to pay attention in the moment, I either just react by rote or try to fight with willpower. Neither have been helpful long-term. I also have been wondering if my goals are set incorrectly by weight. When I am coding medical charts a lot of times when a patient has a chronic condition that can be reversed, the doctor will set treatment goals. For blood pressure they may set a goal for the patient to get their blood pressure under 120/80. For cholesterol they may set a goal of triglycerides less than 100. There's blood sugar goals too. It started me thinking, if my goal wasn't based on the scale, what are the things I want to work toward? I came up with a list of things I want from my health/fitness. There were goals like getting off blood pressure meds (because I have fixed my health enough to not need them, not because I just stoppedtaking them), rebuilding lost strength and stamina, flexibility, and improving my cardiovascular fitness so I'm not embarrassed by how heavy I'm breathing walking up the hills by my house or walking up stairs. These goals make more sense to me and are more personal and MEANINGFUL than just looking better or losing a certain amount. This has been a better week foodwise. I have been on track and only had one moment where the tortilla chips called my name. I am monitoring my food deprivation feelings and not letting myself get too hungry for too long BUT when I do eat it is the food that was panned or is approved. I have reminded myself that if I am cravings a certain thing I can have the sugar-free version but many times that requires going to the store and making the sugar-free version. I have considered making something keto-friendly that I can freeze to keep on hand for those times when I just need something to squash a craving. I just wouldn't want it to become a crutch. In the book "Brain Over Binge Recovery Guide" the author says that so many of our "cravings" are really just conditioned responses and the single best way to break the cycle is to stop giving into it. When we ear sugar it lights up the pleasure centers of our brain (very similar to heroine) and when we feel bad in one way or another we are hard-wired to want to light up that part of the brain to get the feel-good hormones flowing. There's chemistry behind our actions. It's just hard to be so disciplined or so "in the moment" to stop and realize that what we truly need is resolution of the bad feeling, not the sugar/fat that we think we want. I don't ever pretend to have it all figured out. I am just trying to navigate my way through all of the beautiful chaos that is my own life.