Bobbing Ship

Lately I have been in my head, and then purposely avoiding; sometimes I think I'm feeling my way through life with my emotions instead logic. I am allowing every whim to sway me lately and I question what it is I am seeking and what it means if I allow things to come between myself and what I tell myself I want. I have been questioning what I truly want. The tricky part is, the answer isn't the same every day. sometimes I need mental peace, sometimes I need order, sometimes I need physical rest. Challenges used to really work well for me but I am failing this work challenge. My mind is just not in it. I am noticing a pattern with my monthly cycle, and the week before "Aunt Flow" I really do not connect with my goals at all, and I have been feeling depressed even. This is new for me and I'm certain it's hormone related. I am 49 and edging toward menopause. I have been a little on edge this week as well because my husband accepted a new job and will start in a couple weeks. For 13 years we really enjoyed the cream of the crop Union insurance where almost everything was covered and our family deductible was only $400 a year. Now he will take a small cut in pay and we will be paying a lot more for insurance and have a much higher deductible. I had a little anxiety about finances but it was unnecessary. It will all work out. I allowed my PMS-depression and stress to let myself off the hook with food. And I confess I haven't done conventional exercise in a while though with temperatures above zero lately I have been taking the dog for real walks. Yesterday we got 3 inches of heavy, wet snow and I had to shovel the driveway before my husband got home. It. was. horrible! The weight of it killed my back and arms and what I could remove left a greasy, super-slippery sheet behind. It cannot be overstated that we have a very steep driveway. it's legendary in these parts, people always ask us about it when they find out it's our house. I usually like shoveling but not that heavy stuff and not on a hill. My husband I'd lucky to have me, and I reminded him of this after complaining about shoveling. To be fair, we have a beautiful, almost-new snowblower in the garage but I have never used it and I can just imagine it giving ME a ride down the hill, me screaming all the way down. It's a HILL-areous visual, no? Anyway, the amount of butt-kicking that tastes did to me makes me realize how out of shape I am. I know I'll reconnect with my mojo. I know I'll feel better after the PMS subsides next week, and maybe for now, the fact that I am partly on the rails has to be good enough until then.