Beliefs

I have been my head a lot lately. My stress has been pretty high with all the issues in my last post and I have only just started to feel a little better. I still don't have a car. That's one of the bad parts about living in a small town, there are very few used cars here, and most of them are too new to be in my budget, so that means I have to rely on my husband's schedule to get to a city to shop. I had a few extra days off before Memorial Day weekend, and I had a physical exam with a new nurse practitioner on Thursday, and a follow up appointment with the dermatologist on Friday. I borrowed my son's car for the physical exam. His car is a 2004 and its rusty but it runs. I was nervous about driving it because I just haven't driven it much and I am used to driving a stick shift so I have to remember not to use my left foot and stomp on the brake, thinking I am pushing the clutch. It's funny only because I accidentally did this while test driving a vehicle when we lived in Las Vegas. I told the sales person I wanted a stick shift but he insisted I try an automatic and well, I told him so. LOL. Anyway, my son works second shift, so he doesn't get done until midnight. He forgot to leave the keys out for me so I was stressed out but I had to wake him up at 7:30 AM so I wasn't late. As I got ready to back out, the brake pedal sunk into the floor. I thought, maybe that's just how his car is. My husband always said you have to press the brakes hard in this car (it's an SUV actually). So I start backing out of our stupid-steep, stupid-narrow driveway and I realize that the brakes are not stopping me and I just keep rolling backwards at a speed I am not really in control of. Fortunately, there were not any cars coming in the road. I was able to get around the corner into a hotel parking lot and I tested the brakes just to see if there was any brakes to use. I was able to get it to stop, but I had to press the brake all the way to the floor, so I was pretty sure a brake line was broken. I decided to go to my appointment, but I kept trying to figure out if I should turn around. I stopped one more time in a parking lot before I got to a big hill, and having enough brakes to eventually stop, I continued to my appointment, maybe more stressed out than I have been in a very long time, knowing that my 20 minute drive home included 2 more fairly steep hills. My weight was 171, and that surprised me because as I said, my weekends hadn't been squeaky clean before that, and I also indulged in some pretzels and cheese flavored popcorn the night before. I was able to have multiple concerns addressed and she was nice and patient with me. I asked for autoimmune testing since one of the differential diagnoses of my skin biopsy was Lupus. It was a good visit and I felt listened to. That is worth its weight in gold! The labs for autoimmune disease came back negative, they are mostly looking for inflammation and I had a slight elevation on one test, but nothing concerning. I almost didn't ask for testing because I feel like I am just being over dramatic, but with all the stress I was feeling I just wanted peace of mind. I am satisfied knowing it was negative. I had a stressful drive home and was praying the whole way, but I made it safely and parked in the street. I broke the news to my son that his brake line was broken so now he would have to walk to work. UGH, I felt horrible. He handled it way better than me. He walked to and from work for 2 days (40 minutes each way) but it made him decide to finally get his dream car, a Tesla. He is 22 and has been saving up and working overtime to make this happen. He ordered a car from Carvana on Saturday night, and it was delivered to him on Monday (Memorial Day). It is an amazing car and I am so happy for him. That Friday before Memorial Day, I had a dermatologist appointment in the morning. My husband normally has off on Fridays but lately he has been having to work overtime, so he worked a few hours in the morning, then drove me to my appointment, then we got groceries because my husband left town for a Buddhist retreat he had planned and paid for long before we knew we would be down to one vehicle for our family. My appointment was very straight forward. They looked at my biopsy site, took photos, then the doctor came in and said,we have stumped two pathologists. None of the potential diagnoses fit entirely. So what caused my strange rash is still a mystery. But the rash is gone for now, so I am moving on. I stress-ate the whole weekend, more on Friday because I am always worried about my husband when he travels. With our bad luck with cars lately, I was allowing anxiety to rule my imagination. Then, once I knew he was there safely, I just relaxed and the junk food was part of my celebrating having a long weekend. My lab results from my physical rolled in and my cholesterol numbers were higher than they have been in a long time. My provider wanted me to start a medication for it, but I asked if I can get coronary calcium scoring test done first. That test shows how much plaque you have in your heart's arteries. I told her I was very stressed that morning (which can affect cholesterol tests) and I had recently started taking MCT oil. So I will get the calcium scoring test and get off the MCT oil and test my cholesterol again in 3 months, and if there is any concern at that point, I will consider a cholesterol medication. One thing that all this focus on health stuff made me realize is that belief is so powerful. I have been believing I am broken in so many ways, that I live as if it's true. A few years ago, I believed I was strong and willful and could achieve pretty much anything I put my mind to. Then perimenopause symptoms and Raynaud's and all the aches came, and oh the anxiety! I somehow forgot how strong I am and started believing I was broken. Some of this is learned and some I think I create out of anxiety.I don't know why I go through periods where it seems like my whole body has aches, then there are blissful days when I almost feel like I am floating because I don't have pain, but it doesn't mean I'm broken, just quirky. I have always been a little quirky, but we all just have to work with what we've got, right? I'm grateful I don't have Lupus or psoriasis. I'm grateful I can walk, especially now that I don't have a car. lol. So I'm going to focus more on believing I am strong and that means accepting the days when I don't feel good as part of life. Today I read a beautiful message from one of my very favorite authors, Geneen Roth, and it was also about beliefs, so it felt so timely and gosh I love how she uses words, so I want to share it with you and I hope it resonates. https://open.substack.com/pub/cookiesandconsciousness/p/the-allure-of-glps?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email