Moving Forward

Well it is almost 6pm on my first day of tracking and moving, and I have taken in 999 calories so far.  I have been very aware of the frequency of my hunger pangs today and I don't know if I am just not eating enough or what.  I was somewhat prepared by bringing an extra snack today, a banana, which I was happy to have when one snack wore off way sooner than expected. 
This morning, despite not having to work until noon, I sure didn't feel like exercising.  I felt stiff and extra tired.  I don't know what prompted me, but I started watching My 600 Pound Life today.  I have watched an episode or two over the years, but today I kind of got sucked in.  The first one, the poor lady's husband was such a magnificent jerk that I was praying she would leave him.  He didn't like the fact that she was loosing weight so he teased her about it and tried to derail her by eating fast food in the car on the way home from the hospital.  I can't believe someone would be so self-absorbed to let someone suffer through life just because her extra large size turned him on.  I'm happy she got out of that.  I started pedalling on the stationary bike while I was watching, and then when I hit 20 minutes and my quad muscles were about on fire, I walked for another 15-20 minutes or so.  I literally lost track of time while I was watching the show. 
Another episode I watched was "Penny" and I got so frustrated watching her play the victim.  Right after surgery she refused to get up and walk, stating she "Can't" that she was too weak.  The doctor sent in specialists to try and help her at home, a physical therapist to try and get her walking, a nutritionalist to work with the family to help make better choices... I guess the part that bothered me so much is that her husband was enabling her and she continued to play the victim, telling the doctor she was giving as much as she could give, all the while eating fried food and huge plates at home.  And they didn't even have the money for the surgery, they had to borrow it or have it donated and she blew her chance. 
Both episodes inspire in different ways; the first one, to overcome all the background noise and put yourself first.  The second one inspires because I do see myself in that whole playing-the-victim role sometimes.  It is subtle, I don't say "I can't" but I do secretly wish there is a medical explaination for things I don't like (like how tired I always am etc) so I can maybe just take some magic pill to make it go away.  I don't want to be Penny.  She obviously has some deep-seated mental health issues and she will eventually eat herself to death because she wasn't ready to give up the numbing behaviors the food was giving her in exchange for a healthier life.  I know that there is a trade off in most things in life, and we choose the thing we think we need the most.  We know that we're supposed to want healthier things for ourselves, but it's not as fun or easy as just eating whatever, whenever. 
I really did like the episodes where they lost a whole heap of weight, it is so inspiring to see people digging deep and really trying. 
Mine might not be such a dramatic story, but I do feel like today was the start of me digging in a little deeper.  Because I am tracking today, I do feel like I was very food-focused.  I also drank a ton of water today, which is really good! I am thinking there is room in my calorie budget to add one extra mini babybel with my grapes in my morning snacks, because until that snack I was feeling pretty satiated, but that one wore off so quickly, and I have been burning through food calories ever since.  I will try it as is one more day, and if it leaves me feeling too hungry I'll adjust it on Wednesday.  For anyone interested my food this week is:
Breakfast:Greek yogurt with blueberries, morning snack:grapes with a mini babybel cheese,  Lunch: veggie-chicken salad with corn, tomatoes, onions, taco sauce and sour cream, afternoon snack is a Luna bar, dinner will be an egg patty with veggie-bacon and bedtime snack is cheese.  I am also planning on getting more bananas in my menu since my potassium was low on my last labs.
Tomorrow will be the first day in ages that I will wake up early to work out.  I really don't know what to expect.  I know I'll be tired but I am always tired, no matter how much sleep I get, and the exercise will help wake me up and I'll feel better. Just like Penny, I have to decide what's more important to me.  Right now I want to get off this plateau I'm on and start moving forward. 


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