Salad for Thought

I am nearing the finish of my dinner that I forced myself to eat, which is actually my planned lunch for the week. Spinach, onion, tomatoes, pepperoni, feta and a little Olive Garden Italian dressing. It tastes amazing. Yet I have been eating like I'm going through PMS (I'm not) which means noshing on whatever sounds good. I have had chips and cereal this week.

Today, other than some wheat bread at lunch (unplanned) I have stayed within keto-friendly foods but when I went for my afternoon snack of peanuts I ate way more than I needed. I am letting work overwhelm me this week. Like a lot of places, we are short staffed and a lot of things are in transition. we have thousands of medical charges to review and process and they are supposed to be done by month end. We are way behind. To the tune of, if everyone worked overtime all week we still won't be caught up. I was stressed out thinking about it and I did work overtime yesterday but then I realized that it's not worth making myself so unbalanced over. So tonight, instead of working overtime I took a beautiful little nap after work. It was raining and windy and I slept so good for a half hour and woke up feeling refreshed. I started thinking of how I should be productive and then stopped. I am allowed to have down time. I am allowed to relax and rejuvenate myself. It's sad I had to remind myself of that. I spend so much time worrying about making sure everyone else has what they need that I rarely turn that favor inward. This stems from my childhood. I was very much made to feel like a horrible person for anything that inconvenienced my mother in the least. Anything from crying when I wasn't physically in need of a hospital, asking for something she didn't think I needed (or probably, they couldn't afford), saying or wearing something she didn't like, going somewhere she didn't like, etc etc etc. I spent my life teetering between trying really hard to get her approval and rebelling against her unachievable demands. It made me feel like I had to make myself small, invisible so I could stay off her anger/disappointment radar. I have been this way in relationships and work as well. Always seeking approval by bending over for others so as to not be in anyone's way. Last night it really got to me. After working extra hours I ate and relaxed and while my husband was reading I got my stuff ready for a shower. It was 6 P.M. and my husband stated that he likes to get in the shower before 7. He said it in more of a demand than a request, which isn't like him. I will admit, I prefer baths and have a tendency to doze off in there so it can take me longer sometimes. I took a shower to expedite things but I was angry at him for saying it the way he did and I realized that I rarely ever set boundaries where my family is concerned, I really bend over backwards to accommodate them. I also realized that my husband gets what he wants because he says what he needs/wants. I am not that way so much. it's more like asking meekly and feeling guilty for doing so. I need to make effort to start reversing this. These are the mechanisms behind me putting myself last. I mentioned in my last post that I stated reading a new book about relationships with food. Normally I would have just about devoured it by now but I'm having trouble even wanting to engage it. Not that it's not good, I am just in a phase of wanting to numb myself and not have to focus on it. It is set up like a workbook so I have to do exercises and I have actually learned a little from that. I'm not very far yet so I haven't put any of it into practice. It feels a but like a burden, but it's the catch-22 of not feeling like focusing on it because I'm not already thinking about it much. I could say I wish I could find my motivation again but I don't even feel that way. My drive to focus on it is just not here right now which is a red flag that I have something to work through that has nothing to do with food or weight. Keto is not that difficult but for some reason I am only half on the wagon and that doesn't work for keto. I will talk more about the book when I read more. I am very much looking forward to the long weekend!