Vacationish

Last week I took a week off. I used to take off the week my kids got done with school and we'd spend the week doing fun projects, hanging out at the pool and eating all kinds of goodies to mark the beginning of Summer Vacation. My sons, until recent years, had always asked if I would be taking that time off because we all looked forward to it. Now they are 17 and 18 years and it barely phased them to have me here. I'd love to say I got to sleep in, but my dog has my work schedule down pat and woke me by 5:15 AM most mornings. Sigh. I had a few projects in mind, like buying some Hen and Chick succulents to plant in my flowerbed, and getting some weeding done. Those got accomplished. I hit a brick wall when it came to some of the bigger projects like finally organizing our basement, which is still loaded with half-empty boxes from our move. I was thinking of making a dedicated space for working out, complete with my Zen pictures, a shelf for my phone and moving the stationary bike closer to the outlet so I can stock using that as an excuse not to use it. There were also plans to edge the flowerbed and lawn, clean my closet and put away winter clothes, move some hostas that mysteriously appeared in my lawn, and reorganize the kitchen cabinets. None of those things happened. I found that I got so tired of trying to figure out how to spend my time that I just gave up and was lazy. Part of the inner battle was that I already do so much for everyone, I should at least be able to relax on my time off. So I did. The decision burnout made me blue. It was also super hot and humid a couple of those days, making doing anything outside very unappealing. I did do the weeding on a cooler, cloudy day. Despite having days where I felt fairly unproductive, I got over 8,000 steps in most of my days off. One day I took a walk to the beach, which is a roughly 15 minute walk. The beach is ½ mile long so once there you can keep walking. I spent an hour or so looking for rocks and beach glass. I ended up getting hot and feeling a little miserable walking home. It was that walk home when I started to notice my mind calling for ice cream and gummy bears. I realized that, when I am our walking the dog in the morning when it's cooler and the lighting is subtle and the birds are singing happily, that's very fulfilling, but walking later in the morning when the sun is pounding down and there's people everywhere, is not fulfilling. I meant to sit on the beach and think about life but was distracted by seeking treasures. And that is a thing with me, I'm seeking non-stop, to the point I sometimes miss the very stuff that would fulfill me. I also noticed my hips hurting more this week, which isn't uncommon in summer, but after a couple years at the chiropractor, he had resolved this for me. When we moved, I stopped going to a chiropractor. I was certainly I was going to take care of myself and that hasn't happened. I did hop back on the scale after the week of "vacation eating" and it read 205.4. In November when I decided to start keto, I was 206 and I did lose 8-9 pounds doing keto but here I am back to square one and 206 I belive IS the heaviest I have been since starting this blog. I have weighed in at 224 back about 22 years ago, but my body had a set point between 185-190 for years. I guess this is perimenopause resetting that for me. This is not progress. I ruminated on it, how moving is much more difficult with this stomach always in my way. I also tried to blame my husband. He has gone from a guy who used to be a black and white, uber-disciplined body builder guy to someone who now wants to eat out multiple times a week and asks to see the dessert menu after many meals. Granted, we always share dessert, but still. Nine times out of ten I am already full and the first bite or two taste sweet and decadent, but then I just want to go take a nap. Still, to blame this on my husband is not fair. Yes, he does instigate these outings and order dessert, but it's not like he's holding a gun to my head to order something in particular. Most of the places we eat have salads. And I could stop eating dessert after a bite or two, or just not even have any in the first place. I know my husband likes the 'partners in crime' feeling of doing these indulgent things but we can find better ways to connect than molten lava cake. I was all set for turning things back around tomorrow, I even programmed my workouts into the Peleton app for the week. I have hit two obstacles already before I even start: my breakfast relies on keto bread and the grocery store was out of it. luckily I have a fee slices leftover from last week. I can get through a couple days then check back with the store. I will figure out plan B if I need to. Also, I woke up with horrible vertigo this morning and can't get it to leave. It's so bad that I can hardly walk in a straight line. I must have looked drunk walking the dog this morning! I still tried to do whatever needed to get done today but I can't imagine trying to do anything that requires bending over and getting out up because head movements give me bedspins so much I feel ill. I pray it goes away overnight but if not, I can't imagine working out tomorrow. That's how life goes. I am going to figure out how to make it work. I am also letting go of the feeling like it has to he perfect. Just being on track with food makes me feel so much better mentally and physically. I don't have to conquer the world in a day. One of the things I did do that was good for me was watch this Ted Talk https://youtu.be/vj-91dMvQQo about the difference in attitude/belief between people who succeed and people who don't. I noticed that the times when I do my best on this weight loss stuff are when I walk around as if I have something to prove; like someone told me I would never be able to conquer this beast and I am going to show them that I can and will. I picture my future self as having achieved a healthy lifestyle that is how I live, it's not something I plan on stopping once I hit some arbitrary goal weight. The times I let self-doubt creep in, I do start to tell myself that I came from a broken place and I'll probably never overcome the things that hold me back. I never really put the two things together. it's like the lesson of The Secret, what you put out into the universe becomes true for you. Anyway, I am getting back on the wagon. There's more left in me.