Monday, August 8, 2016

2,000 miles or so

A blog I follow Escape from Obesity has gotten me all fired up and inspired.  At first, I wasn't going to blog about it because it might be perceived as "lame" that I'm copying her but I realized that inspiring others to act is sort of the best case scenario in weight loss blogging, isn't it?  I mean, it is really for our own good, at its core, but it feels amazing to be able to inspire each other in our journey as well.  
Last week I ate low carb, very close to the ketogenic phase of South Beach Diet except I ate some fruits and vegetables that normally wouldn't be allowed.  I had a ton more energy, I was in a better mood, and felt like my seemingly perpetual bloat flattened out.  It was easier to get a bunch of water in, and I definitely didn't have a problem eating every few hours.  I did find that tastes and textures got old quickly and the egg concoctions I had for breakfast and lunch made my stomach hurt.  Since I don't typically eat meat and eggs and beans upset my stomach, I feel a little lost in diet decisions.  This has been a problem for me for quite some time.  By Friday of last week, I was so tired of never feeling full that I ordered a chicken breast sandwich when my family had dinner from a nice restaurant.  I had a salad instead of fries, and felt full and satisfied. Saturday was a mish-mash of eating, another restaurant with family, this time Italian, and I had pasta in olive oil with herbs.  Even though I was eating carbs, I found it easier to stop when I was satisfied instead waiting until I was full.  That meant I got two meals out of it and still have leftovers that I won't finish.  Throughout the day, I had healthy meals and little tastes of not healthy stuff and I noticed myself getting sucked into diet mentality, thinking oh no I messed up and ate bad stuff, now I might as well eat everything in sight and start over tomorrow.  But luckily I knew what was going on and stopped those thoughts before I let them hold me hostage.  I reminded myself that I can eat whatever I want, there's no food police, but I also thought about how I feel when I eat mostly salty, fatty ("bad" fats), sugary stuff and how I feel when I eat something like cucumbers with guacamole.  I've decided that this is the path to my success, knowing that I'm allowed, nothing is off limits, but becoming more aware of how certain things feel and make me feel.  Sugary stuff leaves a thick syrupy film in my mouth that I really don't like.  Carbs make me feel bloated and less happy.  Yes, it's something I didn't realize until recently, and I believe it is purely biological not psychological.  
The other thing I have started, which is the part where I'm copying the above blog, is I started a mission at My Virtual Mission.  This is the coolest app/site. We've all heard about these people who have walked, ran or biked across the U.S. Right?   Well this app allows you to do these missions virtually, from your own home or gym.  It took me a while to figure out what would drive me enough to get out and put the miles in, but I've decided I will walk (maybe cycle later) from Green Bay,WI to Sacramento, CA.  I chose Sacramento because after more than 2 years of planning and research my family was intending to move there.  I fell in love with the city, and really invested a lot into our move, emotionally and time wise.  I dreamt of the days we would spend exploring all the amazing places in California from the coast to the mountains.  It was one of my biggest dreams.  Then 2 months before we were set to move, my husband changed his mind, and I felt like my dream came crashing down around me.  My heart was broken and I felt a flood of emotions that I felt would burden others if I expressed them.  So I started trying to self-soothe more than ever, bringing candy and chips with me to work every day, then stocking up the pantry with even more junk.  There are still some unresolved feelings and a huge feeling of something drawing me to California like I belong there.  So my joinery to Sacramento is a place where I hope to heal not just my body but also my mind; to figure some things out about the dream and my loathing of snow, and how to handle my sadness about staying here and my anxiety over driving in snow.  It's a lot to ask but I think the psychological work I've been doing will help, and I'm not above getting counseling if it comes down to that.  
So my virtual mission is called Westward Bound and I enter my miles that I've walked into the app and it shows me where I'd be on the map and even gives a street view.   I went on a long walk yesterday afternoon, after having already had my Pebble pedometer on all day, so it showed that o walked 5 miles so I entered that amount, knowing that it was less but not sure how to track it yet.  Today I put my Pebble on just before going out to walk, and it was a shorter walk for 2.3 miles.  So I am still in the Green Bay Area but I am officially on my way!  Here's a street view of where I ended today.
Sacramento, here I come!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Staying the Path

Something I read yesterday got me so inspired and fired up, it's been a really really long time since I felt that way about weight loss to be honest.  A weight loss blogger I've been following for years has been up and down the scales, and if so fed up with it all that she's considering weight loss surgery.  She is a very intelligent person whose tried everything including Medifast, low-carb, counting calories, even counseling.  When she blogged about it, she got a ton of support, alternative ideas, and only a few people that discouraged it.  She said she was going to give it one more year of trying on her own before seriously thinking about it.  Between the post where she admitted this and began trying really hard to make it work this one last time, there was so much spark, drive, energy; it was really inspiring.  People were commenting on ketogenic diet, such as the restrictive phase of South Beach Diet, and how, in the absence of sugars your body burns fats, and how getting off sugars makes you feel fabulous!  I started thinking about how easy South Beach was for me and how just by taking the processed sugars out of my diet I did feel fantastic.  And before I knew it, I was feeling like I should jump back on the diet wagon.
And then I thought about some of the comments on her blog, how they said maintaining is so much harder than getting to goal because the motivation to see the number in the scale isn't there anymore, and how you always have to keep adjusting your caloric intake and some even stating that measuring and weighing and calculating is the only way to achieve lasting "success".  And I realized that, if dieting truly made us happy, we'd never fail at it.  So that being said, there was a part of me that wasn't happy being restricted.  I am not discounting the things that were great about it, I just think that if I were to try again, I'd have to do it a different way, and I don't have that new way figured out just yet.  
Part of my progression in this journey is in reading books about the psychological aspects of emotional eating and mindless eating.  I am currently reading two books. 
I actually started reading the one on the left in springtime.  It is an easy read, with exercises, and focuses on how to fix coping skills that were either never there or were broken by things that happen in the past.  Using food to cope with feelings (or numb them) is a sign that at least one coping skill is not working properly.  The book then, shows you skills in how to self-soothe without food and how to cope with things that come up in a logical way instead of using food.  The book on the right is somewhat related, but it goes way deeper, to how our family and the events/traumas they incurred, continues to effect us in our own life.  That book is not about food or weight but about how we react to things in our past without thinking about it, and often this rote thinking is not correct.  It is a heavy heavy book to read, and the exercises sometimes make me choked up and leave me feeling dark, despite not having anything terrifically horrible in my family past.  Trauma doesn't have to mean death or murder or disease, it can be something as simple as feeling abandoned or ignored.  I have had some aha! moments reading both of these books, and I think it is going to help me when I try to get things back under a certain level of normalcy. 
I will be turning 44 later this year, and already I feel old, tired, achey, stiff, and unhealthy.  When I think ahead to how I imagine myself at 50, I can see three distinct posibilities: that I am making healthy choices most of the time and doing things that make me feel good like stretching and strength training; that I will continue to eat whatever soothes my soul and will be racked with more pains and problems, or that I will have had a heart attack or stroke.  If being scared about my health were enough to motivate me to change, it would have happened when I was 18.  Before I turned 40, losing weight was always about looking better, stopping the feelings of shame and guilt I had for being so disgusting and such a burden.  The last time I was successful was more than a year ago, in the spring of 2015 when my knee was hurting so bad that I decided to try getting rid of the sugars to see if it would help my knee.  It did.  A lot.  And it gave me a lot of energy, which I used to take long walks.  But because I had unresolved self-esteem issues, my small-but-mighty weight loss ended up turning me into an attention-seeker, which put stress on my marriage and I nearly lost one of the best parts of me.  So, there was a big problem in my thinking that was unearthed through all of that, equating my attractiveness to attention, and the attention to my self-worth.  Deeper issues that both of the above books are helping me with, but I am not there yet. 
I think the best I can do at this point is to make feeling good a priority.  All week I have been stretching, everything from my eyebrows down to my toes.  It was a remarkable experience that made me amazed at just how much of a stiff zombie I usually am.  Little changes like this make a difference in my mood and even in my energy and they actually feel good and don't make me feel like I am doing it because I have to do it in order to fit into a size 4 dress for some event.  I have never been a size 4 and don't intend to.  Size doesn't matter so much, being able to move and breathe well and not break my hip if I trip on the curb (or not tripping on the curb to begin with).  These things matter.  And maybe that's why my path is not a hard and fast diet path.  I do care how I look, and I do feel bad sometimes, but I also realize that those are someone else's ideas that I have been buying into.    At my age, if vitality comes at the cost of looking good, I consider it a more than fair trade.  I don't fault anyone who diets or has weight loss surgery, if that is what makes a person truly joyful inside that is absoulutely what they should do.  For me, I think, that's just a cover for a bunch of deeper issues that have been kicking around a little too long inside my head, and I'm happy I became aware of it while there's still time to examine these things further.  More time, more learning, deeper processing, less reacting, more mindfulness, more light.  I wish all of this for everyone no matter the path they are on.  We all deserve it.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Clarity Sometime Seeps In

Clarity.  It is rare for me.  Sandwiched in between all the have-to's, should-have's, the what-if's and the gonna's, sometimes it makes a brief appearance.   And when it does, it is usually so prominent that I get distracted by it.  For me, it often comes along with an extreme desire for order and organization, things that have been largely absent in my life from the get-go.  So, toward the end of last week, when I started feeling like I need to plan out what each section of my new apartment "needs" in order to be organized and feel fully functional, I took it as a little clue that there was bound to be some clarity coming soon.  It's not always profound, the stuff my clarity provides, but I take what I can get. 
Monday shifts start late for me, and now that my kids are out of school, that means I can sleep later and spend a pretty quiet morning easing into the thought of starting a new workweek.  During the weekend, I had several little moments of clarity.  First was in the fact that wearing short sleeves feels good, liberating almost, but I almost never do it anymore because I absolutely loathe the way my arms look.  But then I remembered a quote I saw once, that says something like, 'you would worry less about what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do.'  I'd give credit for the quote but it is disputed who actually said it.  So, my not wearing short sleeves was a way of making my own self uncomfortable so that others could be more comfortable, by avoiding showing them my arms which I deem disgusting, and they may not even notice or care, and they certainly won't be dwelling on it 10 or 20 or 1,000 minutes from now.  So this weekend, I wore short sleeves without shame or care.  I even was so brave to wear a tank top outside on Saturday when temperatures hit the 90's with high humidity.  No one's lives were shattered, and I was way more comfortable, physically.  I realized that I always do this, try to be as little an inconvenience as possible, try to be out of the way and helpful, even at the cost of my own comfort.  Yes, this is from childhood, my mother was great at making me feel like an inconvenience, a mistake.  I do these things without realizing, always trying to accomodate others.  I feel guilty taking.  Taking time for my silly pleasures like playing Angry Birds or Candy Crush on my phone, watching a show that only I like, writing or reading.  I always try to make sure everyone else's needs are met before I'll allow myself to indulge in things that I enjoy.  And that's not to say that I don't enjoy taking care of my family/work etc, but I think I am a little too quick to doso at the expense of my own needs/wants.  It's an area I need to work on.  Now that I'm more conscious of it, I will make more of an effort to make my needs/wants known and give them some priority.  It reminds me of this saying I saw on Pintrest, "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm." Unknown.   I need to start living like that, at least a little bit.
Another thing I noticed this weekend, is how I feel like I'm letting summer slide by without finding the joy I usually get from it.  Part of that is due to the weather we've had, a ton of rain/storms and really hot days that just aren't enjoyable.  And the fact that I've been sick with a sinus infection for a month now, makes it a little harder.  But more important is that, by the time Saturday afternoon has arrived, I am already thinking of how the weekend is going to be over in the blink of an eye and it is like a cloud hanging over my weekend.  Sunday has a depressing feel, despite being a day off, because I am already predicting its end and the start of the work week.  For that reason, I don't particularly like going on big excursions because it seems like Sunday is the last chance to rest for the weekend, and if we are off busy, going and doing, I fear I won't feel well-rested for the start of the week.  The truth is, I usually enjoy myself way more when we do go out and do something on Sunday than if we just stay home, it really is a matter of mindset.  So, when my younger son decided he wanted to go to the beach on Sunday afternoon, I did my best to keep an open mind and decided to enjoy it because summer go by so fast in my area.  And we had a pretty good time. 
So today being Monday, I had that aforementioned easy morning complete with extra sleep, a little gentle yoga and a neti pot rinse for my sinuses.  Driving to work, a gloomy, post-rain, tree-tunneled trip, I thought about how I used to brag about how much I loved the rain and overcast days because it made things feel so much calmer and less manic.  And then I realized that I loved the rain because I was gloomy inside and I didn't want to feel good or happy.  And I don't so much love the rain anymore.  I don't hate it, but I don't love it.  I imagined the difference of a bright, glowing light, such as the kind that streams through a window and highlights dancing dust like tiny fairies decieving your eyes, making everything around it glow. Between the two images, it was the light that made me feel so good and peaceful.  I deserve to have light.  I deserve to rewrite my story because things are always changing in life if you are aware of them.  The difference in my life now is that I am seeking that warmth, where before I pushed that away, perhaps because I bought into the idea that I wasn't worthy of it.  I think this summer will be one of redefining what I need to feel that warm light around me.  The peace I'm seeking is in me, not outside me, I just have to let go of my fear of going in there to find it.
After losing and regaining 40 pounds, it is really tempting to jump into something restrictive to help the outside change, but if I have learned anything from the past 30 years of dieting, its that the mental stuff is what makes or breaks you.  And I don't have all that sorted out yet.  This summer will be about reading, meditating, and as much self-care as I can fit in, from stretching to using a neti pot and doing lymphatic drainage massage, to getting a good amount of rest consistently, etc.  All of those things feel good and help to heal some beaten up parts of me.  I think, in order to have lasting success, taking care of oneself (including fixing eating issues) should feel natural and loving, not restrictive and forced.  So, it will be time to put myself first more of the time, and do the things my body needs based on internal cues.  I'll admit it feels wierd not to be making some "I'm going to start a new diet" statement, especially being so heavy, but I have a good feeling that this summer is going to blow my mind, and then fix my mind.  It could be the end of my emotional struggles that are keeping me attached to food.  If nothing else, it will be an interesting experiement. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

Getting to Work

The weekends go by so fast, don't they? During the week, I make a mental list of all the things I am going to accomplish over the weekend and it seems like only a small fraction gets done.  Especially this past weekend, I felt so horrible that I finally went to the urgent care.  I was certain I had bronchitis or pneumonia, I was coughing so hard and so much that I could barely catch my breath.  The nurse practitioner said my lungs are clear, to my surprise, and diagnosed it as a sinus infection.  To be honest, I knew they wouldn't give me anything if it was bronchitis so the sinus infection got me some antibiotics and an inhaler.  I still don't feel any effect but hope the medicine kicks in soon.  My whole body aches!
Whenever I am sick, I eat low-nutrition foods.  I know I'm trying to soothe myself in an ineffective way, especially eating dairy which makes you cough more.  But I can look at it and see what did I feel I was lacking that I thought food could fill? Comfort, rest, sympathy.  Food did not fulfill any of those wants.  Now the key is to realize this in the moment so I can avoid the whole comfort eating altogether.  With this infection I allowed myself to stop trying to work on stuff, and whenever I go on autopilot my menu gets scary.  The fact that I want to go on autopilot should be a big red flag in itself, and should make me reflect on why I feel like I want to be numb or lazy.  It might not stop me every time, especially during hormonal shifts, but it can help me not eat emotionally more of the time, and I think that would be a huge deal in the long run.  And little changes can add up to big results over time.  And with a mindful eating strategy,  it won't be a restrictive, non-sustainable thing that will make me yo-yo, there's no wrong way, it's all about learning what the triggers are and how to get what you need without eating for comfort.  
One of the things that scares me about all the yo-yoing is that my blood pressure has been creeping back up.  The diastolic (bottom number) was normal but the top one was high (159).  While I know having an infection can increase that reading, and I had had some caffeine as well, I know there is a huge family history ( both sides) of heart disease and I don't want to help it out.  I don't have my annual physical until November so I have a few goals in mind to work on to help get my numbers back to normal. 1. Cut back on processed sugars, which I tend to eat emotionally or before my monthly.  Keeping mindful of what my real need is will help.  2. Eat more healthy fats.  3. Cut back on cheese, it's a subpar protein source, even for a vegetarian.  4. Get 60 minutes of cardio in every day at least 4 days a week.  60 minutes can reverse plaque buildup in your arteries and while I don't know what mine look like, I consider this a preventative measure.  It will also help me stave off depression and anxiety that comes every fall and winter.  5. Do more activities that calm, soothe, and relax me such as reading, meditating or snuggling with my husband or taking a hot bath.  I have neglected these things in favor of playing games on my phone or endlessly scrolling through Facebook, which numbs me.  Still relaxing, but checking out.  
I know I won't be perfect but it helps to have a plan to stop or reverse my high blood pressure.  The last thing I want is to be put back on blood pressure medicine.  And worrying about my heart all the time is not what I call relaxing or fun.  So with the school year almost done for my sons, I will have an extra hour in the morning to get that cardio in.  And by the time they go back to school I should be in the habit of doing it, so hopefully it wi t be a big deal to get up a little earlier to get it done.  This is not to loose weight, perse, but I know that might be a nice side effect.  I just hate wondering when I'll have a heart attack instead of if I will.  I have the power to change my story, it'd be absurd not to.  Now I have a good amount of tools for the job.  Time to get some work done!

Monday, May 16, 2016

Its all OK

I don't have a proclamation to make, but I noticed some positive changes throughout the week last week.  It feels strange to say that I'm making progress toward a goal to be healthier because I'm not restricting and I don't feel deprived.  That confused my brain a little.  In the past, I would have been beating myself up about eating pasta one night, or about having a bagel with my breakfast because I have really trained my brain to equate my eating of carbs with me being a weak loser.  The diet mentality is a mindf#ck that leads to dieters feeling aweful about themselves.  The psychology of not restricting means a lot less stuff beckons to me just for the sake that it's naughty, indulgent stuff that's off limits. I know I can have it whenever I want, so that takes a certain amount of the power out it.
I had salad for lunch last week because I felt like my body was craving nutrients.  I figured out one of the reasons I don't eat more salad is because I usually figure if I need to add the healthiest greens (kale, spinach, microgreens, etc) and not only are they bitter, but they spoil quickly and I end up wasting so much. So I mix some kale in with my shredded iceberg (which I absolutely love), load it with veggies, banana peppers, feta and sunflower kernels and it's so flavorful I don't even need dressing.  I bought and ate a lot of berries too during the week.  I do believe if we listen to our body it tells us what we need.  Our brains and emotions just get in the way and we let them run amok.
The weekend was one of the most relaxing ones I have had since...I can't even remember.  Other than our standard grocery run, I did not go out at all this weekend.  No running around, no seeking and searching, not even a restaurant.  I am fighting a chest cold and I really didn't have the energy to be out and about, especially since the weather was not great.  I think I have needed that for so long, but I was depriving myself of it by having and making too many plans always.  I watched some Seinfeld and we did order in veggie burgers from a local restaurant and I didn't have any wine, even though it sounded good, I knew it'd make my lungs and head feel even worse.  I did notice that, the not being active made my spirits sag a bit, but a little housework and taking the dog out for walks more often helped.  I am looking forward to nicer weather this week and hopefully I will kick this virus to the curb as well. 
I lost my focus on my inner voice a little during my lazy weekend, and that's OK sometimes, I really just needed some true downtime, to turn off my brain from all the have-to's and just truly veg-out.  I could stand to do that more often!  My food was not the healthiest stuff I've ever eaten, but not the worst, but I truly didn't really put much thought or effort into the why's, I was really just checked-out.  I didn't even read.  And I'm OK with a break like that, which is a huge deal because this would have killed me in the past. 
So things are just going.  Not good or bad, just...going.  And I feel generally content.  And I can't really argue with that. 

Monday, May 9, 2016

Finally!

I have finally finished my Bachelors Degree!!!  It has been such grueling work managing full time work (including keeping up 2 certifications), raising a family and going back to school, and finally I get to take a much-needed breath!  I had grand ideas of how much else I was going to get done once I didn't have school on my plate, but in reality, I'm kind of in 'don't wanna' mode.  After feeling burnt out for 4 years, I just want to relax and indulge in free time, since it seems to have been desperately missing for so long.  And I'm learning that I need more free time to be happy than is normal.  That's the introvert and planner in me.  But I'll catch up on all that.
My most major news is this:
We adopted a dog!  He is 9 months, a Norwich/Westie mix and we named him Franklin. I'm not going to say it's been flawless, especially the times when he needs to go out at 3am, but he is so smart and super affectionate and we are so happy he's part of our family.  It's the first place we've lived that allowed dogs so it feels like a great step for us, plus it is teaching my sons responsibility.  
The other new thing in my life is a book I bought a few weeks ago and am just diving into:
I am 80 pages is and my jaw has dropped on several occasions already.  This talks about the connections between the missing coping skills we learned as children and how we react to things today.  So many of the things that happen in those formative years lead us to the coping skills we still try to rely on today.  Something that was missing in my childhood were emotionally supportive parents who were consistent and gave me clear boundaries and nurtured me and whom I knew would always have my back.  I was often ridiculed for showing emotion, told not to be a baby about it and even teased if I was crying about something when my feelings were hurt.  Not every time, but a lot of times, and those are the ones that scar.  And sometimes when I needed my mom's attention she was just plain checked out, reading a book or doing a crossword and not acknowledging that I had even spoken to her.  I felt alone and misunderstood a lot as a child.  My parents were not really in the position to model effective coping and self-soothing skills for me, so I had to make it up as I went along.  And food was one way I found to self-soothe.  And I put a lot of burden on others to try and fill needs that my parents didn't.  And that makes me overreact emotionally to my triggers, but since it's been ingrained in me that showing emotions is BAD, I stuff it all down with food.  So, this book is the beginning of fiding out what's been missing in my coping and self-soothing skills so that I can do for myself, what my parents weren't able to.  No blame, no bad feeligns, they were young and overwhelmed and had their own head issues passed down from their own parents.  But accepting that there are holes in my learning process and learning how to take care of my emotional needs myself, is what I have been looking for for the past 30 years of using food as a drug.  I feel like the itch is finally about to get scratched.  And for once, I am not going to get interrupted by a new semester starting, now is the perfect time for me to fix what's been dysfunctional for so many years.  In a way I feel like a huge weight is lifting off me, like all the crazy "have to's" of dieting, the restricting and the forcing and the pretending is gone.  I will fix myself from the part that makes me turn to food, my brain.  I am just getting into the techniques of learning to soothe myself, and be my own sort of mental cheerleader.  It is going to take some practice and time to get the negative "mom" voice out of my head. You know, the one that tells me how disgraceful and burdensome I am, the one that doubts I can finish what I start or handle my own affairs.  The one that thinks I am wrong when I am right, and makes me feel bad for disputing it.  I always had to walk around eggshells around her, never knew which version of her I was going to get, the happy, singing, craft-loving mom who I loved being around, or the anything (and I mean ANYTHING) can-set-her-off, and when it does no one will be allowed to feel good about any part of themselves mom.  She handed down her dysfunctional coping skills and in those times when I cringe over feeling that I have inherited some of her personality and mannerisms, it is because when I think of her, I mostly remember the angry, emotionally-whacked out mom and as a kid, you take that stuff personally, even though it's not our fault. 
Anyway, before this turns into more of a journal entry than it already is, I feel like I've been digging in the dirt looking for my lost jar of pennies for a long time now, and I've finally found the right spot to dig.  I am so happy this book is helping to explain my childhood to me, I have been doubting myself for so long, thinking I was just looking at my childhood through crap-colored glasses, and while I do truly have some happy memories from childhood, I think the bad stuff had way more affect on me, and now I finally have a way to start healing those scars.  Letting go of that stuff, healing the deep past, will help me be more emotionally-balanced in my current life, and I won't feel the need to turn to food when I'm not hungry.  Before I started reading this book on Saturday, I bought a bunch of "clean" low-carb groceries to "start over" and this morning once I got my son on the bus I practically ran into the local grocery store and loaded up on junk food.  Besides just being hungry from delaying my breakfast, it felt like my brain was rebelling against the idea of restricting myself again.  It's a sign that I need to be ready mentally, and better equipped to take on those feelings like I am missing out on something or not getting enough of something else.  I know those truly don't have anything to do with food, deep down, but trying to throw it all out there on a whim is like trying to change a tire with no tools. And, in the long run, equally successful.  My obese body is true testament to that.  
Now that I have some more free time I want to start journaling on my private blog and reflecting on it here.  It really helps.  Writing has been the best way to sort through and deal with my feelings, I just don't always have the time or opportunity, but I am going to start using it as a tool and see if that alone lessens my desire for comfort food. I feel like I can finally sink my teeth into this.  I am feeling calm and happy and ready to dig deeper. 

Monday, April 18, 2016

Big Fat Yo-Yo

Sometimes I want to blog, but I have so many obligations or distractions that it simply doesn't pan out.  Other times I get the time but my thoughts are so congested that it is pointless.  
I'm kind of in a funk right now.  Mondays have that affect on me anyway, but the weather is beautiful and I have a little free time and still I feel...uninspired, a little blue, and tired even though I shouldn't be.  I know a huge part of it is how overweight I am.  Activity is exhausting and my body aches in places that haven't bothered me in years, like my Achilles' tendon.  Mentally, I've just gone through a very intense period of emotions with setting up our move to Sacramento, having that dream crushed after a couple years of planning/dreaming of it, planning another move within my city, the actual labor of moving and cleaning and losing sleep and still being half in-boxes, and a vacation.... It's been a roller coaster and I have been comfort-eating my way through each step of it and now my body feels like crap and I am berating myself in my head every chance I stop and think about my body.  Of course when I get to this point I start thinking about restricting, going back on South Beach diet, but if that worked long-term I wouldn't have to keep restarting every time I go off the rails.  And I am 100% off the rails right now. I know I have to fix this from my brain, and I bought a new book to help, but I don't know if I'll have time to invest in it until I graduate next month.  I will read it, and re-read some others I have on mindful eating.  I don't know how many more times my body can yo-yo before the string breaks.