Thursday, April 27, 2017

Not Drowning Yet

So my little water challenge is not getting off to as smooth a start as I'd hoped.  I am realizing that one huge part of my day, during work, I have very little control over what happens.  It can be (and has been) so busy that I find myself on the salesfloor for a few hours at a time, meaning I am not drinking anything much less getting nearer my goal of getting more water in me.  I was getting down on myself for not progressing then I realized that goals are great, but when there is an obstacle making it less realistic, it sets me up to fail.  So, maybe to start, I have to be less specific with my goal.  I will try to drink more water or even just non-carbonated drinks (because I love me some Life Water and Bai's Molokai Coconut drinks) and just get more of that in me when time allows.  I have been drinking more water but probably not a gallon.  I don't know.  The having to measure and weight stuff just makes me feel like I have one more burden on my plate, and right now I can't take much more weight on my back, mentally. 
I feel like I sound like a broken record.  I feel like a broken record, I still have the deep mental grooves from years of dieting.  I bounce off the walls of "I am going to crack down and be a disciplined, healthy eater and I'm going to work out every day" and "Trying to be something I'm not is only going to backfire."  What do I want more than anything right now?  To have more energy; to feel more alert and happy.  My job burns me out, and I take on a lot of stuff at home.  I just feel like I never fully relax and rejuvenate myself.  I feel like I need a week on the beach, just doing nothing but napping under an umbrella and listening to the waves roll in and out, then dinner is fresh fish with some sort of mango salsa and a drink with coconut rum in a coconut-shaped cup with a colorful umbrella sticking out.  Of course, in my little fantasy I already have a satisfactory shape and I am oiled up in coconut-scented sunscreen because I have a nice color naturally (still fantasy here).  Ah, that little mental vacation felt nice!  I like coconut.  Maybe it's time to find some nice coconut-scented lotion to help me feel like I'm on vactation.   Little tricks can go a long way. 
I will say this; I have noticed in the past that sometimes I have to put a little effort in first ( before I actually feel like doing so) before I start to feel good.  I may have to start doing more than hip-opening yoga in order to feel more awake.  For now, waking up at 5am leaves me just enough time to get done what I absolutely need to, no extra time for exercise, but in 6 weeks when the kids are out of school, getting up at 5 will give me plenty of time to get in a little something.  I'm sure it would go a long way toward livening me up a little, and would help me manage my stress better too. 
Saying I should get exercise and doing it feel like they are miles apart.  I have literally NO desire to move my body any more than it actually has to.  I still clock an average of 10,000 steps daily on my Fitbit, just going about my day, it's a little less on the weekends.  I have a lot more aches and pains than I used to, but I know that could improve too if I put effort into it.  I need to find a way to bridge the gap between the "should" and the "did".  I only have about 8 months left before my annual physical exam.  I want to have good bloodwork this time, but do I care enough to make a change? 
To be continued I guess.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Little Steps Still Make a Ripple on the Water

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my weight and my health lately.  With spring upon us, thinking about making big changes is, for me, inevitable.  It's hard not to get swept up in the thoughts of cracking down and making good/big changes and seeing results and being happy.  In my mind all of that is wrapped up together.  It's a mental thing, something I've bought-into for a long time; that being good on a diet will make me happy.  And I must admit, there is a certain feeling of self-mastery that comes along to sticking with a restrictive plan.  My brain says, " I am being good, I am doing things that are going to make me thinner and I will like the way I look and that will make me happier." etc, etc, etc.  We've all thought and heard it a million times.  But life doesn't move in such a linear fashion, it is scattered and unpredictable, and assumptions are often discovered to be less reliable after the fact. 
One thing I do know, though, is that one small little change can have an impact on a multitude of others.  Big changes usually don't last long, at least, not for me, not where diet is concerned, especially when it is restrictive.  So instead of a huge dramatic change, like measuring and weighing every morsel or cutting out certain things entirely, I thought about the idea of implementing one small change at a time.  This is not a new concept, but it is hard for my brain to cope with because small changes mean slow/small progress in my mind.  So to say there is a mental roadblock is unfortunately true, but when I think of it as an experiment it helps me to hurdle over the roadblock. 
Lately I have been waking up and noticing how puffy it is under my eyes.  Yes, I googled it, because that's what I do.  There are a multitude of reasons why someone's eyes could be puffy, but one that sort of stuck out to me is water retention.  Of course it happens to all of us, but I have been noticing a lot more dry skin lately, which to me means that I have not been drinking enough water.  I used to drink about 2 gallons a day and now I'm lucky if I get half a gallon.  I still drink a lot of soda during the day.  So, without saying I am going to restrict soda, something I have been unsuccessful in doing anyway, I am going to make my one small change to drink more water.  It might be for a week, or a month or however long it takes to get back in the habit of drinking more water.  That small change alone will likely lead to me drinking less soda just by the nature of me only having so much room in my stomach for fluids.  I am going to aim at a gallon of water a day, which shouldn't be too tough if I am focusing on my goal.  I should be able to measure the effects by my skin, and I am interested to see if it will help the eye puffiness too. 
For now, that is the only goal I will be working on.  When I feel like I've got that change working well, I will add another challenge.  Things I have been thinking of are stretching every day for at least 15 minutes, of course cardio, eventually limiting my soda intake, reducing sodium, eating all the recommended servings of fruits and veg, and strength training to name a few.  There are dozens that have crossed my mind so I'll spare you the long list.  Some have to do with a harmonious household and some are health related and some are for mental health.  I don't want to try more than one at a time, though it's hard to get past that feeling of all-or-nothing, I just think it would make me lose focus on one or both.
So, I will consider today day 1 of this goal, because there's no time like the present!  And because I'm thirsty, damn it! 
So what are you waiting for?  What's your goal this month?  Why not start today!

Friday, April 14, 2017

Daisies Along the Way

TGIF, am I right?!  I don't know why this week has felt incredibly long and hard to get through, I haven't had anything particularly challenging going on.  In fact, it has been a relatively smooth week.  I have been battling an overly-tired, almost burnt-out feeling though and even have the canker sore to prove it.  For me, those two go hand-in-hand unfortunately.  Could be ovulation I suppose. 
This has me questioning my habits again.  Am I eating too many carbs, not enough superfoods, not moving enough, too much caffeine?  Probably yes to all of them.  And not enough water for sure.  I went from trying to get off soda to drinking more of it than I was before I tried to quit.  I wonder if I am fatiguing my adrenals.  All these thoughts make me want to make a drastic change, challenge myself with silly things like water as my only beverage for a whole month, or juicing-fasting or back to ketogenic or give up cheese.  That last one is the most absurd one yet.  If you knew me and my obssession with cheese you would understand! 
Here's the thing though.  I finally hit a place that I never thought I would get to.  I noticed it when I was about to get dressed after a shower one day.  I looked in the mirror as I was deciding what to wear and I looked at my body and I didn't feel hatred or disgust, it was just simply my body.  In fact, I like the changes I am seeing in my arms and shoulders/collarbone etc.  I know my stomach is bigger than it needs to be, but in that moment, I realized that I am content with my body.  How big of a statement is that?!  I don't react emotionally to see myself as I really am.  I eat fairly healthy most of the time, I'm not killing myself, and I am not gaining tons of extra weight.  I am pretty much at peace with it right now.  So maybe drastic changes in diet and restriction would mess that up.  I'm not sure I'm willing to gamble with that just yet. 
That doesn't mean that I can't change a few things.  For one, I have been noticing that, if I am going to let things go off the rails it is at dinner and on the weekends.  I consistently skip my afternoon snack, either because I'm too busy at work to get away, or because I simply don't feel hungry until about an hour before leaving work, and knowing I am going to eat when I get home, I delay eating.  By the time I get home from work I am famished and start eating whatever is readily available.  Chips or cheese are typical targets.  Then I also eat dinner.  That's a lot more calories than I need all at once, but my body isn't getting what it needs when it needs it so my brain freaks out on me.  I am going to make a better effort to eat a planned afternoon snack at a scheduled time, to help stabalize my blood sugars and avoid this behavior/issue. 
The eating willy-nilly on the weekends?  Most on Saturdays, which is typically my grocery day.  When it shows up in the house, my kids and I have to sample everything.  I do notice myself wanting to take some things because I know my kids will gobble it all up and there won't be "enough" for me.  That is a theme of mine that has caused me to consume way more calories than I've needed in this lifetime.  Growing up in lower-middle class meant my sister and I rarely ever got our "own" of anything, we always had to share.  I always felt like I didn't get as much/enough especially of the rare sweet treats, but also dinner and such.  It's one of those things I am aware of being a mental issue that needs more work.  I am trying to find a way to put an end to it without harsh restriction which only makes me want to binge and obssess over food. My trick this week is to do the shopping on Friday night instead.  Something about the weekend-Saturday in particular- has an air of no inhibitions. 
So my focus is on trying some new little tricks without upsetting the apple cart.  I guess that's what I've been doing in general.  I am refraining from massive changes that require me to be super-disciplined and restrictive.  I have learned over time, that that kind of stuff is just not who I am and trying to force myself to be someone I'm not only makes me feel horrible when it doesn't pan out.  For now I am the tortoise who will win this race, slow and steady, adjusting when needed, enjoying the daisies at the side of the road along the way.  I don't know about you, but to me that sounds just lovely! 
Happy Friday and have a great Easter weekend for those who celebrate!

Monday, April 10, 2017

Healing from Within

Whoa man!  I have had some crazy experiences over the weekend!  It was so powerful I was too close to it to blog, but my mind was going a million miles an hour. 
Saturday I had to bring my dog to the vet for his annual shots and bloodwork.  It was my first time bringing him for the blood draw, and my first time doing it since he's not a puppy anymore, and he's gotten a lot more protective.  He is the epitome of a Nervous Ned of a Reactive Rover.  He was yelling, growling, biting, and he jerked as they were trying to take blood so he was bleeding everywhere.  It was draining and emotional for me, and I think it is going to have to be my husband's job from now on!  LOL.  He did the best his little 13 pound self could do and I spent a big part of the day feeling bad for him and appologizing that it was such a crazy day. 
The weather was gorgeous on Saturday, so I did spend a little time outside on my patio, watching the birds in the trees and thinking.  I geeked out on geneology stuff too, which felt nice.  Overall, despite having a saucy checker at the grocery store in the morning, and be traumatized taking my dog to the vet, Saturday was pretty mellow and nice. 
Yesterday my husband and I went to a little church we discovered about a half hour drive away from us.  It is a 138-year old church and it is spiritualist (psychic science is the new age term I believe).  I am not a churchy person.  I grew up without it, we didn't go to church and my parents did not force religion on me or even practice on their own that I'm aware of.  This church caters to people like me, who want to improve myself through meditation, who've had personal spiritual experiences, and who want to know my spirit guides and get answers from them.  I got all that and more yesterday.  Deep meditative healing techniques that left me buzzing and a little shaky.  I meditated and got visions and answers and when she told me to name my biggest fear and my biggest stress and my greatest emotional pain and give it to the archangel I did feel like a metaphoric burden was lifted.  She said to give away all the burdens and stress and pain that you've taken on for someone else too.  And we were instructed to give away all of the feelings of what she termed "Poverty identification" or poverty thinking, feelings that I am not enough, that I'm not good enough.  The meditation and self healing lasted more than an hour, with very positive messages and surrounding ourselves with white light, and culminating in visiting our "temple" in our mind to meet our spirit guide and ask for a message.  I got a few messages during the day, that are relevant and timely, and they require more reflection.  I was crying pretty early on, when she was talking about giving away feelings of unworthiness and brokenness, and feelings that I am not enough.  By the end, I was uplifted, which, regardless of your faith or beliefe, should be what church is about, right?  In the end of the service we talked about mediumship, and the ability to receive and interpret messages from the universe.  She has the gift and she chose a few people in the congregation (all 10-12 of us) to deliver messages to.  She chose my husband first and said that he has powers of healing and teaching, but he needs to remeber humility.  She also said that our autistic sons chose him because of his powers, and to remind him to always have humility.  It was really pretty relevant.  She also gave messages to others who'd lost loved ones, and yes, she was able to discern some unexpected things.  I admit, I was a little disappointed to not be chosen for a reading, but I know if I continue going I will be chosen.  Honestly, I was so emotional after the service that I probably would've cried through it even if she gave me a message. 
I have also added tarot reading (just for myself) to my repetoir of tools I am using to get messages.  It has been helpful.  For instance, just yesterday I pulled a card warning me to choose my battles wisely because sometimes even winning comes at a cost; this same card also has undertones of being aware of selfish behaviors and how it affects others negatively. 
I had my deepest meditation yet this morning, more messages and a warning that I am still trying to decipher but I think it means to watch that things don't get out of balace, making me lose my stability.  I have a tendency to latch on to something and let other stuff fall away a little.  I think this message was to remind me that no one thing can or should be everything.  I have to learn that lesson.  I need to stop trying to fix everyone's problems, which is different than being supportive.  Trying to be everything to everyone is throwing off my own internal balance and peace.
So, as profound as this all felt, I wish I wrote it better, but that's it in a nutshell.  I am finally meditating, and with that little bit of guidance, I have been wildly successful and am having very meaningful experiences with it! 
Aside from that, it's a typical Monday!  haha.  I feel so calm and good today.  I really hope this is the result of my ability to meditate, and I hope it continues!  I think it will be healing in a multitude of ways, not the least of which is, to my health and returning to a healthy weight. Afterall, if I am able to calm and heal my mind and the hurful past, what else will I have to comfort-eat for?
Hope you all had a great weekend!  Happy Monday.

Friday, April 7, 2017

I'm Going to have Sexy Teeth Someday

Yesterday was the first of my two needed root canals.  Let's just say I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, especially since I had to have this one done by a specialist, in an office I've never been to and I wasn't sure what to expect.  I have never had a root canal done, but my husband's recent experience terrified me, he could feel a lot of pain when they started, they had to numb him 2 more times afterword.  Luckily, mine was actually a piece of cake in comparison.  The doctor was nice and kept asking if I was OK of if I could feel anything, and explained each step of the process what to expect (a noise, a vibration, hot or cold).  I was comfortably numb.
I was worried beforehand about what might happen if they took my blood pressure, and I was also stressed out that I had such aweful post-nasal drip from the end of this head cold, I was worried I would feel the constant need to cough or clear my throat.  I know it's probably not the best to go to a dental appoinment when you have a cold, but it truly was winding down at that point, and fortunately, I didn't have an issue with drainage while I was there.  It couldn't have gone smoother!  He was surprised that my regular dentist didn't have me on an antibiotic for the infection in the tooth.  Just another reason to not like my dentist.  Anyway, at least yesterday went smoothly, and that puts me one step closer to being done with all of this!  I can hardly wait. 
As I was finishing getting my prescription for the antibiotic filled, I got a call from my husband saying our son was being suspended for threatening behavior (with thumb tacks, if you can believe it) and I needed to go pick him up.  I still felt strange from having a whole quarter of my mouth and lips/face numb, but I got him.  I didn't yell because I think it's ridiculous.  I just discussed how I know he knows he didn't handle himself appropriately and I let it go.  I don't think it is something he'll encounter on a regular basis, it was situational, so it's not something to punish him for. 
My husband and other son came home and we spent some time just relaxing and talking, doing homework, then we went to an event at the masonic lodge that my husband belongs to.  It was a chinese dinner to honor one of the members, and in memory of some others.  It was pretty fun.  At the end, they served a piece of cake.  I indulged.  The frosting was buttercream, and it was hard to get through my whole piece, it's so rich, but I didn't want to be disrespectful so I ate the whole thing.  Ugh.  I was praying my gut didn't give me problems.  I did OK.  It was the first day all week that I didn't do any yoga/stretching due to a lack of time or focus.  It's OK, my good stuff was more time to hang out with my family, and getting one step further on having a healthy mouth.
Today there is a special sort of funk in the air, like the exact opposite of the Midas touch is happening.  So many struggles and challenges, at home and at work.  I know I can and will overcome it but boy I can tell my mind wants to just avoid all of it by eating.  I haven't given in, I don't have anything other than on-plan food at my disposal anyway, but the thought of unproductive foods is lingering.  I did tell my son, after having to drag him, crying and struggling,  to the bus stop this morning, that maybe we can order pizza tonight and just put the week behind us.  I know things will be fine, a bad day is just a bad day, but man it sure stinks things up when it happens like that. 
I don't have anthing profound to report; I forgot to read my passage from Dhammapada today and boy I sure wish I would have because it seems to help me bridge some emotional gaps. 
Half way through Friday, I think I can make it!

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Greatest American Hero

Anyone else remember the feeling of being bowled over and opened up by stuff as a kid?  I do.  Something as cool as a school assembly could blow my mind (I won't even get started about the time I learned where meat comes from) and I would embrace it passionately.  In fact, there is still a school assembly I remember from way back in elementary school, I was probably in about 4th or 5th grade (yes, that was a very long time ago).  The guy came out on stage dressed like The Greatest American Hero (remember that show? Now I'm really dating myself!) with the theme song and everything.  I was a big fan of the show at the time, so that caught my attention.  His message was "Don't sweat the small stuff" and throughout his speech, he talked about problems and overcoming them and how we ought to let the small stuff go.  Then at the very end he said he had a very important secret to tell us.  He worked us until we were on the edge of our seats, leaning in with anticipation and he said, "It's all small stuff!"  I was wowed.  My whole little self clung to those words with passion, I even drew pictures and carefully lettered the words as if they were a motto. 
In middle and high school, it was poetry and snippets from books or songs that moved me, and I tried to force myself to live by what inspired me.  "Carpe Diem" Yes, from Dead Poet's Society not from actually reading the poetry myself, and I just wanted to live more, but I really didn't know what that meant.  Me being a naturally introverted person, I feel like living more means thinking more, not necessarily sky diving or going on safari, or, more common for my generation, going to raves and huffing.  I did go out dancing all the time(dry clubs), that was my way of living more and I loved it.
Then there was my married, adult life, because there was a big depressing lack of inspiration for me between high school and then.  I married a man who is very fit, healthy and disciplined and I wanted so much to be that, but it's really not in my DNA.  I started looking at fitness magazines for inspiration and this is what inspired me most:
I liked her physique because she is toned and fit but doesn't look like she has used steroids to get there.  There was even a time when I successfully stuck to a diet and training plan solely on the self-inspired mantra, "Live like Maggie, look like Maggie."  I literally pretended I was already fit and that being fit and healthy was just how I lived.  It worked for a few months, but like usual, life reminded me of who I am and when I took the blinders off I had to realize that comparing my 5-ft, stocky body to the lean and long body of this genetically-gifted gal was only setting myself up to feel bad about my own body.  I had to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much I "lived like Maggie" I was never going to have abs like that or legs that long and lean.  It was hard, after that, to be inspired by the gals I saw in fitness magazines, and I found women who'd lost a significant amount of weight to be more inspiring because it was something I could acheive. 
Today, as I read my Dhammapada passage I thought about how my brain takes in these messages of inspiration.  The basic concept of the passage today was that an ill-prepared thatched roof allows rain to seep in, as an untrained mind allows desires in, but a well prepared thatched roof does not allow the rain in, just as a well-trained mind does not allow desires in.  I paused to consider its meaning to me and my own journey.  I let the rain through my roof a lot, maybe not because I have no training, but maybe the roof has a small deficiency and I am too tired or lazy to go fix it.  So the rain comes.  And on sunny days I try to patch it up and it stops the rain for a while until a new weak spot comes and the rain flows through again.  So, maybe in my case, I need to make it a little tougher for the rain to get through; ask myself more questions before caving and eating something, especially when I'm not particularly hungry, make myself put my phone down and do something that actually make me feel good instead of just numb, take the time to focus on the me that is inside all the people and things I wish I were.  And this goes well with yesterday's lesson about what is vital and what is trivial, because failing to separate the two leads to the feeling that everything is vital, and everything must be done, and the "shoulds" of life end up making us feel like we "aren't".  It all becomes "big stuff" and overwhelms us until all we want to do is be numb and checkout for a little bit. 
So maybe I am on the right track with focusing on doing things that make me feel good. That is vital, in my opinion.  How can I make good choices when I don't feel good?  How can I call it living if the only time I am focused and in the moment is at work, and lots of times that only stresses me out? 
Last night, after getting through responsibilities after work (homework was extra greuling with my son) I had a little free time while my husband was in the shower.  My first instinct is to go on my phone.  I opened up Ancestry.com and began to page through records in the familiar quest that usually leads down a deep rabbit hole of records for other relatives.  I'm so addicted.  Then, I stopped after only a minute of browsing.  I closed the webpage and loaded up my hip-opening yoga video.  It's funny how I simultaneously felt guilty for taking the time to do this 20-minute session, because my dog was begging me to play, laying his stuffed giraffe on my hand when I would go down into a pose.  No one else was giving him attention and I felt bad, but I kept going anyway, promising to play when I was done.  He laid patiently next to me, trying to sneak a face lick from time to time, and when I was done, I felt all the tight places buzzing with fresh blood supply and I was so happy I decided to do it.  I even slept better.  So, I think I am going to try and make an effort to do 5 things every day that genuinely make me feel good.  Not saying I won't still spend hours on geneology, but I will also make an effort to do more things that feel good and make me happy.  What's more important than that?  The rest, as they say, is all small stuff.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Vital or Trivial?

After yesterday's boost in positivity, I felt pretty good all day.  Even after getting home and having to do homework with my son (ah, spring break was a nice vacation from the nightly homework), still, I felt good mentally.  I did notice myself wanting to BBMHB (binge behind my husband's back) but once I got out in the kitchen, nothing really sounded good.  I mean, we have some half-eaten bags of chips and such, but none of it felt indulgent enough to my not-super-hungry brain.   So, I waited until it was nearly bedtime and had my usual snack of cheese before snoozetime.  The only thing I can think of that would have had me in that state is the thought about cleaning things up with my diet.  I didn't eat crazy yesterday, but I was thinking about how I should be eating less carbs than I have been lately, and questioning all the dairy I've been eating.  I don't want to complicate things because then I end up just giving up, because honestly, the having to be so focused on the stuff all the time is part of what makes me obssess. 
Today is going fine with food, I had my bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, and organic, raw, unsalted pumpkin seeds for a snack, and for lunch I've gone back to cottage cheese with chives and a cucumber.  Since I rarely have a snack between lunch and dinner I haven't gone through the trouble to bring anything with me to work, but I have a few of the lower sugar Luna bars with me all the time in case I become famished to the point of wuthering away!  Dinner this week is a nice salad with raspberries, blueberries, slivered almonds and cottage cheese on top.  It is so good, and makes it feel like summer. 
My reading of the Dhammapada continues.  I feel like the message for yesterday and today is really though-provoking:
      "The deluded, imagining trivial things to be vital to life, follow their vain fancies and never attain the highest knowledge.
     But the wise, knowing what is trivial and what is vital, set their thoughts on the supreme goal and attain the highest knowledge."


Of course, there is a calmness in Buddhist lessons, making me stop to think about the useless things I surround myself with.  Things, material items, food/calories I don't need, I even talk too much and use words more words than are needed sometimes, I spew too much emotion when in a few minutes or hours, things will change and I discover that the emotional discharge wasn't needed.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to get rid of all my possessions, shave my head, don a robe and go begging for my daily meal.  I do think there is a point in the message, but balance is always needed too. 
Maybe that was a key to my recent success with being on-track, I was easily aware of when an extra indulgent treat was vital, or when it was just my brain being a brat.  Then I just stopped paying attention to it and let the brat take over.  I wasn't being the wise one from the lines above, I was the deluded.  Granted, it was only a few days worth of chaos, not entire weeks or months, but it is really easy to let myself get sucked into the rut of eating without thinking.  And once I'm there, it's hard to get out. 
So, that is my lesson to focus on today.  Maybe for today, I will keep this short and simple and save the rest of the words for quiet meditation later.  My guess is that they aren't important enough to remember that long anyway so I'll let them evaporate into the universe.  Feels good to be back in the state of thinking about what I'm doing.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Not Done Yet

So much has happened since my last post, it's the kind of week that makes me wonder if I dreamt it or if it was real. 
My kids had spring break last week, and I feel really fortunate that they are an age where they are fairly comfortable staying home alone.  That doesn't mean I don't worry about them fighting.  At 12 and 13 they still do that enough that it stresses me out from time to time.  Luckily, those times are becoming fewer as they age and focus on their individual interests. 
I was able to get Wednesday and Thursday off due to a light schedule at work.  When I was offered it in January I figured it would just be nice to have a couple days off with the kids, to sleep in and be restful or to go off wherever the wind took us.  Boy that sounds nice!  But life has a funny way of saying, "Nope."  haha. 
In January or so, I found out my favorite band of more than 20 years (Green Day) was coming to my town at the end of March.  I googled the venue and not realizing I was on a third-party seller's page, I almost choked when I saw the price of tickets, $250-$1,600 a piece.  I told my husband I was too old to pay that kind of money, especially on a week night.  lol.  As the concert got nearer, though, I went to the actual arena webpage and looked at prices, and found them to be much more reasonable.  I chewed on it for a week or so, knowing that it would be a lAAAAAAte night getting home, then trying to function at work the next morning.  Then, I finally just decided to bite the bullet and get the damn tickets.  They have never played in my city and I haven't seen them play in about 16 years!  And I just plain love them.  My one saving grace was, since my kids were on spring break that week, I had the option to sleep in a little longer than normal. 
So, all of Wednesday, I spent cleaning.  When I say all of Wednesday I mean, from about 8am until 6pm.  Not that my house is a stye, but I really deep-cleaned things that haven't been done since we moved into this place in December.  Plus, my kids room?  I won't even go there.  I was exhausted by the time I finished, yet I didn't sleep very well, which was frustrating.  Ma Monthly was probably to blame there.  I was up early'ish for a dentist appointment on Thursday.  I am really annoyed with this dental office.  They did not tell me how many cavities I have or how much work, so here I am going in for appointment after appointment.  I just want it to be done.  Plus, their stupid wrist-blood pressure monitor keeps reading ridiculously high for me.  Like 30 points higher on top and bottom, which makes them think I am lying when I tell them my blood pressure is always normal.  I even offered to bring in my medical records to prove it.  They said if it continues to be that high, I might have to get a consent from my doctor to be treated.  I have already pretty much made up my mind that when my work is done with them, I will find a new provider for dental.  At least, after this appointment, I didn't feel as strange, I could still talk and eat OK.  I spent most of the afternoon doing geneology stuff and, yes, comfort eating.  By late afternoon, I started feeling a scratchy throat coming on.  Oh, Crap!  The concert was mere hours away and I was starting to feel aweful.  By the time my father-in-law came to hang out with the boys, I was wishing I could crawl in bed and sleep for a couple days, but I put on my big girl pants and headed out to a quick dinner before the show.  I could write for days about how awesome the concert was, it was one of those times when you cannot fully grasp the awesomeness of it until several days and much reflection have made a comfortable gap.  It was a sold out show, I was screaming my lungs out and singing along, 7,000 some people all singing together for about 2 and a half hours.  There were pyrotechnics and cannons and people allowed to get on stage to sing or play guitar, and one 12 year old boy played guitar and got to keep it.  And the very last song, the last minute, they shot off confetti.  It made me feel like I'd won the Super Bowl or something.  By the end, my ears and throat were toast, I was sweaty and worn out but somehow so very alive.  It was exhillerating!  I'm so glad I went.
I slept aweful and ended up only getting about 3 hours of sleep, and woke with a very raw,sore, bruised throat and stuffy, runny nose.  I made it through Friday though, and the weekend was much more restful, intentionally.  I did a lot more geneology stuff and a lot of thinking.  I have been eating horribly.  I've noticed this feeling, like my "me-ness" is detached from the outside vessel that is my body, as if I am in a fat-suit filled with air.  I am using the energy I have to maneuver and trying to refuel with high-octane junk.  I am living as if what I eat doesn't matter, or at least only matters sometimes, and other times I have found myself looking for food when I'm just not even hungry, and scold myself for looking.  I bought and ate way too many sweets over the weekend, and as I was walking around collecting it all I realized I wasn't really in the mood for sweets, all the thick, syrupy gook that coats the back of my throat, the bloated uncomfortable feeling, the mental drain.  So why did I eat so many cranberry walnut cookies?  I even had ice cream on Friday, hoping it would soothe my raw throat.  I had chicken noodle soup and instant potatoes with gravy too this weekend, because "boo hoo, I'm sick." 
Then, just because it was beautiful and I was thinking about her, I wrote a letter to my dear departed great grandmother.  Sure, it's really just for me, but it makes me feel like I'm actually talking to her.  I told her about my frustrations and fears at the dentist.  What if my blood pressure is suddenly alarmingly high for some reason?  Brushing aside as horrible procedures and bad equipment is one thing (my feet aren't on the floor and my arm is not supported and they use a automatic wrist cuff) but what if I am really less healthy than I've been assuming I am?  When did I stop caring?  How did I let food become a beast hiding in the corner again?  And, how the heck do I get back to caring and eating better without triggering compulsive thoughts/eating? 
All questions I will have to work through for sure.  I know one thing, I sure do miss having a normal feeling gut, having real hunger pangs and energy.  My body is begging me to turn it around. 
My effort to do a thing that makes me feel better today was a yoga session, one that focuses on opening up the hips.  In the video it states that the pelvis is the area where anxiety, stress and sadness are held, and that opening up the hips helps release some of that.  I don't know about that stuff, but it sure made me feel fantastic, physically.  I think I will seek out more videos to hit other areas and concentrate on doing them more.  That simple, 20 minute act of self-kindness broke up my restlessness, made me feel more energetic, move easier and even lifted my mood considerably.  It helps that my cold is lessening to a much more tolerable place already and the weather is nicer. 
When I first began this blog, and was really focused and on track I had a mantra I used when I wanted to dig deep and get one last rep in or when I needed a little mental fire to get me out of bed for a 4:30am workout when it's 20 degrees below zero; "I've got more in me."  Maybe it's time to dust that little helper out and try it back on.  Whatever the case, I'm ready to distance myself from how I felt over the weekend, that definitely wasn't self-love.  Sigh.  Still don't have all the answers, but I'm still going to keep trying to find them.