Monday, April 3, 2017

Not Done Yet

So much has happened since my last post, it's the kind of week that makes me wonder if I dreamt it or if it was real. 
My kids had spring break last week, and I feel really fortunate that they are an age where they are fairly comfortable staying home alone.  That doesn't mean I don't worry about them fighting.  At 12 and 13 they still do that enough that it stresses me out from time to time.  Luckily, those times are becoming fewer as they age and focus on their individual interests. 
I was able to get Wednesday and Thursday off due to a light schedule at work.  When I was offered it in January I figured it would just be nice to have a couple days off with the kids, to sleep in and be restful or to go off wherever the wind took us.  Boy that sounds nice!  But life has a funny way of saying, "Nope."  haha. 
In January or so, I found out my favorite band of more than 20 years (Green Day) was coming to my town at the end of March.  I googled the venue and not realizing I was on a third-party seller's page, I almost choked when I saw the price of tickets, $250-$1,600 a piece.  I told my husband I was too old to pay that kind of money, especially on a week night.  lol.  As the concert got nearer, though, I went to the actual arena webpage and looked at prices, and found them to be much more reasonable.  I chewed on it for a week or so, knowing that it would be a lAAAAAAte night getting home, then trying to function at work the next morning.  Then, I finally just decided to bite the bullet and get the damn tickets.  They have never played in my city and I haven't seen them play in about 16 years!  And I just plain love them.  My one saving grace was, since my kids were on spring break that week, I had the option to sleep in a little longer than normal. 
So, all of Wednesday, I spent cleaning.  When I say all of Wednesday I mean, from about 8am until 6pm.  Not that my house is a stye, but I really deep-cleaned things that haven't been done since we moved into this place in December.  Plus, my kids room?  I won't even go there.  I was exhausted by the time I finished, yet I didn't sleep very well, which was frustrating.  Ma Monthly was probably to blame there.  I was up early'ish for a dentist appointment on Thursday.  I am really annoyed with this dental office.  They did not tell me how many cavities I have or how much work, so here I am going in for appointment after appointment.  I just want it to be done.  Plus, their stupid wrist-blood pressure monitor keeps reading ridiculously high for me.  Like 30 points higher on top and bottom, which makes them think I am lying when I tell them my blood pressure is always normal.  I even offered to bring in my medical records to prove it.  They said if it continues to be that high, I might have to get a consent from my doctor to be treated.  I have already pretty much made up my mind that when my work is done with them, I will find a new provider for dental.  At least, after this appointment, I didn't feel as strange, I could still talk and eat OK.  I spent most of the afternoon doing geneology stuff and, yes, comfort eating.  By late afternoon, I started feeling a scratchy throat coming on.  Oh, Crap!  The concert was mere hours away and I was starting to feel aweful.  By the time my father-in-law came to hang out with the boys, I was wishing I could crawl in bed and sleep for a couple days, but I put on my big girl pants and headed out to a quick dinner before the show.  I could write for days about how awesome the concert was, it was one of those times when you cannot fully grasp the awesomeness of it until several days and much reflection have made a comfortable gap.  It was a sold out show, I was screaming my lungs out and singing along, 7,000 some people all singing together for about 2 and a half hours.  There were pyrotechnics and cannons and people allowed to get on stage to sing or play guitar, and one 12 year old boy played guitar and got to keep it.  And the very last song, the last minute, they shot off confetti.  It made me feel like I'd won the Super Bowl or something.  By the end, my ears and throat were toast, I was sweaty and worn out but somehow so very alive.  It was exhillerating!  I'm so glad I went.
I slept aweful and ended up only getting about 3 hours of sleep, and woke with a very raw,sore, bruised throat and stuffy, runny nose.  I made it through Friday though, and the weekend was much more restful, intentionally.  I did a lot more geneology stuff and a lot of thinking.  I have been eating horribly.  I've noticed this feeling, like my "me-ness" is detached from the outside vessel that is my body, as if I am in a fat-suit filled with air.  I am using the energy I have to maneuver and trying to refuel with high-octane junk.  I am living as if what I eat doesn't matter, or at least only matters sometimes, and other times I have found myself looking for food when I'm just not even hungry, and scold myself for looking.  I bought and ate way too many sweets over the weekend, and as I was walking around collecting it all I realized I wasn't really in the mood for sweets, all the thick, syrupy gook that coats the back of my throat, the bloated uncomfortable feeling, the mental drain.  So why did I eat so many cranberry walnut cookies?  I even had ice cream on Friday, hoping it would soothe my raw throat.  I had chicken noodle soup and instant potatoes with gravy too this weekend, because "boo hoo, I'm sick." 
Then, just because it was beautiful and I was thinking about her, I wrote a letter to my dear departed great grandmother.  Sure, it's really just for me, but it makes me feel like I'm actually talking to her.  I told her about my frustrations and fears at the dentist.  What if my blood pressure is suddenly alarmingly high for some reason?  Brushing aside as horrible procedures and bad equipment is one thing (my feet aren't on the floor and my arm is not supported and they use a automatic wrist cuff) but what if I am really less healthy than I've been assuming I am?  When did I stop caring?  How did I let food become a beast hiding in the corner again?  And, how the heck do I get back to caring and eating better without triggering compulsive thoughts/eating? 
All questions I will have to work through for sure.  I know one thing, I sure do miss having a normal feeling gut, having real hunger pangs and energy.  My body is begging me to turn it around. 
My effort to do a thing that makes me feel better today was a yoga session, one that focuses on opening up the hips.  In the video it states that the pelvis is the area where anxiety, stress and sadness are held, and that opening up the hips helps release some of that.  I don't know about that stuff, but it sure made me feel fantastic, physically.  I think I will seek out more videos to hit other areas and concentrate on doing them more.  That simple, 20 minute act of self-kindness broke up my restlessness, made me feel more energetic, move easier and even lifted my mood considerably.  It helps that my cold is lessening to a much more tolerable place already and the weather is nicer. 
When I first began this blog, and was really focused and on track I had a mantra I used when I wanted to dig deep and get one last rep in or when I needed a little mental fire to get me out of bed for a 4:30am workout when it's 20 degrees below zero; "I've got more in me."  Maybe it's time to dust that little helper out and try it back on.  Whatever the case, I'm ready to distance myself from how I felt over the weekend, that definitely wasn't self-love.  Sigh.  Still don't have all the answers, but I'm still going to keep trying to find them. 

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