I used to look on my situation with apathy, woe is me, I never get any free time to myself but tonight I realized that I do get some time to myself, I just usually spend it on Facebook or playing a game on my phone (assuming I have done my other tasks). It calms me to a good degree, but it doesn't fix the lump of junk in the pit of my stomach that I am trying to smother with food. I pass it off as happy indulgence, pleasure and rebellion, but a bloated gut doesn't feel good physically, and yet I still try mindlessly trying to convince myself that there is some definitive amount or type of food that will make that stupid coal-tar-black-mass of doubt, guilt, and self-irritation and disgust leave. I know the weather change plays a part, and the mood of so many people around me has been so foul lately too, I internalize it unnecessarily. Yet, I'm always feeling like I need to try and find a way to fix things when they aren't ideal, and that affects me emotionally, despite trying to numb myself with withdrawal and food. I know this is a defense mechanism and I do feel like I have to have my guard up right now but I think I'm only getting a small glimpse of why. It will take some meditation to figure out what's going on. I tried to meditate tonight, after a long break from it, and it was pretty fruitless. It will take practice to be able to calm my mind again.
I am not making any major proclamations about change, I know by now that I don't have enough order in my life right now to start going that route just yet, but I am thinking about myself, my unsuccessful mechanisms and things that genuinely make me feel good. I'd like to say I'm going to start meditating consistently again, but it takes a lot of energy to go to these places inside that are dark and so very emotional, yet leaving things on autopilot isn't working for me: I don't feel good about myself, I feel like I'm hiding from someone or something and not just the stuff I'm ashamed of is hiding, but I've stashed away the good stuff too. I don't want to use my busy schedule, escapism or food to try and shove down my feelings or cover up emotions or perceptions. I know I won't feel better until I figure out what is causing all this hiding and defensiveness. So this is where I am. It's a continuation of stuff I never healed and fixed from the last attempts at sanity. I know this is a lifelong journey but oh! What a roller coaster it has been!