Friday, April 14, 2017

Daisies Along the Way

TGIF, am I right?!  I don't know why this week has felt incredibly long and hard to get through, I haven't had anything particularly challenging going on.  In fact, it has been a relatively smooth week.  I have been battling an overly-tired, almost burnt-out feeling though and even have the canker sore to prove it.  For me, those two go hand-in-hand unfortunately.  Could be ovulation I suppose. 
This has me questioning my habits again.  Am I eating too many carbs, not enough superfoods, not moving enough, too much caffeine?  Probably yes to all of them.  And not enough water for sure.  I went from trying to get off soda to drinking more of it than I was before I tried to quit.  I wonder if I am fatiguing my adrenals.  All these thoughts make me want to make a drastic change, challenge myself with silly things like water as my only beverage for a whole month, or juicing-fasting or back to ketogenic or give up cheese.  That last one is the most absurd one yet.  If you knew me and my obssession with cheese you would understand! 
Here's the thing though.  I finally hit a place that I never thought I would get to.  I noticed it when I was about to get dressed after a shower one day.  I looked in the mirror as I was deciding what to wear and I looked at my body and I didn't feel hatred or disgust, it was just simply my body.  In fact, I like the changes I am seeing in my arms and shoulders/collarbone etc.  I know my stomach is bigger than it needs to be, but in that moment, I realized that I am content with my body.  How big of a statement is that?!  I don't react emotionally to see myself as I really am.  I eat fairly healthy most of the time, I'm not killing myself, and I am not gaining tons of extra weight.  I am pretty much at peace with it right now.  So maybe drastic changes in diet and restriction would mess that up.  I'm not sure I'm willing to gamble with that just yet. 
That doesn't mean that I can't change a few things.  For one, I have been noticing that, if I am going to let things go off the rails it is at dinner and on the weekends.  I consistently skip my afternoon snack, either because I'm too busy at work to get away, or because I simply don't feel hungry until about an hour before leaving work, and knowing I am going to eat when I get home, I delay eating.  By the time I get home from work I am famished and start eating whatever is readily available.  Chips or cheese are typical targets.  Then I also eat dinner.  That's a lot more calories than I need all at once, but my body isn't getting what it needs when it needs it so my brain freaks out on me.  I am going to make a better effort to eat a planned afternoon snack at a scheduled time, to help stabalize my blood sugars and avoid this behavior/issue. 
The eating willy-nilly on the weekends?  Most on Saturdays, which is typically my grocery day.  When it shows up in the house, my kids and I have to sample everything.  I do notice myself wanting to take some things because I know my kids will gobble it all up and there won't be "enough" for me.  That is a theme of mine that has caused me to consume way more calories than I've needed in this lifetime.  Growing up in lower-middle class meant my sister and I rarely ever got our "own" of anything, we always had to share.  I always felt like I didn't get as much/enough especially of the rare sweet treats, but also dinner and such.  It's one of those things I am aware of being a mental issue that needs more work.  I am trying to find a way to put an end to it without harsh restriction which only makes me want to binge and obssess over food. My trick this week is to do the shopping on Friday night instead.  Something about the weekend-Saturday in particular- has an air of no inhibitions. 
So my focus is on trying some new little tricks without upsetting the apple cart.  I guess that's what I've been doing in general.  I am refraining from massive changes that require me to be super-disciplined and restrictive.  I have learned over time, that that kind of stuff is just not who I am and trying to force myself to be someone I'm not only makes me feel horrible when it doesn't pan out.  For now I am the tortoise who will win this race, slow and steady, adjusting when needed, enjoying the daisies at the side of the road along the way.  I don't know about you, but to me that sounds just lovely! 
Happy Friday and have a great Easter weekend for those who celebrate!

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