Desperately Seeking a Refresh

On this, our second week of school, I think the boys and I are finally getting into our groove in the mornings.  I'm not going to say time's not tight, but we are figuring out how to make it go a little smoother than last week.  Having a comfortable routine is good for the 3 of us. 
I am reaching that point where I just feel like there's not enough time in any given day to get done all the things I want to do and barely enough time to get done the things I have to do.  As dishes pile up in the sink and the patio needs serious sweeping, and oh!  That dang laundry underfoot in my boys' room that I swore I'd get done last weekend...It clogs up my brain and makes me feel so stressed out that I can't do it all and have it be perfect. 
I need to let go of the idea of perfect, and not just where my motherly/wifely duties are concerned.  I let things fester and it doesn't always come out the best.  I am not good at letting my husband know I need help. 
I have been thinking about what I've been doing the past few years with my body.  Seriously, I have been messing around.  I never "stick" to anything.  I'm "good" for a while then I spend months telling myself I need to "get back on track".  The thing with diets (as much as I don't want to call it that because it's uncool to be 'dieting' nowadays) is that I'm either "on" or "off".  I know that, I've said that a million times and I still keep trying to restrict and 'low-carb it' thinking I'm going to have some different outcome if I just involve my brain instead of eating willy-nilly.  It doesn't work.  I don't know if I feel like I need the food for comfort or a buffer from the world, or I just get fed up with feeling not full.  I do know that, when I first started reading Geneen Roth books I took them with a grain of salt because I tend to be skeptical by nature.  She said that we don't trust ourselves to not eat the entire world.  I realized this week, that it is true.  I don't trust myself to not be on a diet or thinking about one.  I don't trust myself to stop eating something yummy when I'm satisfied because I will eat a whole family-sized bag of it out of sheer brain-rebellion or fear that I will have to share.  I don't trust myself with food because I don't feel like I have the same triggers and switches as everyone else.  I don't want to have to follow the rules and think so much because frankly, I am filled up to my eyeballs with 'have-to's' right now.  Seriously, even the not dieting thing is a structured thing.  Only eat when you're physically hungry.  So now I have to assess if I am or not, even on my scheduled lunch break.  Don't be distracted by TV or your phone or even a book.  I feel like that makes eating extra enjoyable, but honestly I do realize that I don't notice the food much at all when I'm doing the other things, I eat by rote.  That rule makes sense but it's a hard habit to break.  But maybe if I think about the alternative to be stuck back in my yo-yo cycle of restriction and autopilot, it is not un-doable.  Stop eating when you are satisfied.  That's tough, especially when it tastes really good.  But food should be enjoyable, and life should be enjoyed and to me, they are intermingled.  That's what makes restricting so hard. 
I saw this meme the other day and it really spoke to me. 

It's not like it's something we don't see or hear all the time lately, but it reminded me that joy is way more important that all of this head game crap I've been putting myself through.  I think I need a fresh start on a different path, not something disguised as something else as a way of fooling myself but a seriously fresh approach to joy and ending the chaos I've been allowing since I started my first diet at the age of 12.  I will trade joy for all of that.  I will trade a slim figure and envy of others and looking good in jeans for joy.  After all my kids have been going through lately, I think we could use a little joy.  That might mean making 12 cookies instead of 48, and eating them slowly and stopping before I feel ill (win-win).  It might mean thinking about why I want to eat if I'm not physically hungry.  Its a learning process like anything, it will take effort in the beginning but once I'm in the groove maybe I'll stay in it.  The difference is that I'm not trying to fool myself into restriction or giving negative or positive value to things.  I will listen to my body more and try to care for myself instead of asking food to do that for me.  I feel like a broken record and my brain is a little full of thoughts bouncing around all over.  As of this moment, I am not dieting.  I'm not cutting back on carbs as a 'back-door' diet.  I am taking back that part of me that has remained the same no matter what size I have been, and I'm going to show her kindness.  Once I figure out what that means I'll write more.


  1. Have you ever tried reading Eating Disorders Anonymous book? It's available now and the workbook is free online! It's great

    1. I will have to check that out. Thanks for the tip!


Post a Comment

Popular Posts