Ugh. Physical Exam

Today was my dreaded annual physical exam. I say dreaded because I knew I had gained weight and as much as I dreaded stepping on the scale, I really dread getting my lab results. The scale showed me at 205. I knee it was more than its been in quite a while because everything is snug and I sometimes almost shock myself when I feel how big my stomach has gotten. The negative self-talk comes on even when I'm switching positions in the middle of the night and sometimes the things my nearly unconscious brain says to/about me is appalling. It's sad; the worst habit I could have picked up from my mother is how she made me feel unlovable at times. Don't worry, my logical mind knows that's absolutely not true but I have spent a lifetime equating my body with my worth and sometimes these thoughts happen by rote. My heaviest weight ever was 226. At exactly 5 feet tall, I never carried it well, but I hid behind loose clothes and long hair. My normal weight, when I am not actively trying to loose or maintain is typically between 185-195. When I get over 200 I know I have really let things go. I am also about to turn 49 so the perimenopause is starting to mess things all up, nothing is on time, nothing treats my body the same as it used to and I feel like my already large lower abdomen grew exponentially overnight. If anything, the fact that menopause is knocking on my door should motivate more because the protective aspects of estrogen will be dramatically lowered. I started out really strong on my healthier eating on Monday. I had eggs scrambled with bell pepper, onions and mushrooms for breakfast. It was so good and it felt really good knowing I was doing the right thing. I followed with my morning snack of raw almonds. Then what I had suspected a month ago was confirmed I the most horrible of ways: my body does not tolerate eggs. I recently spent a month messing around trying different foods to see what was causing my stomach so much distress, I changed prebiotic brands, I tried different snack options, but the only thing that got my stomach to feel better was when I stopped eating eggs for breakfast. I really didn't think of it when I was planning my meals for this week but oh was I reminded. Because my stomach was so sour after that, I didn't eat my planned food after that. I ate toast with ginger and candied ginger and a turkey sandwich later. I let it throw a wrench in my plans but I also knew I wasn't totally on a plan yet so I tried not to stress out. Yesterday I was on track with every meal except breakfast, where I had a bagel. Today I had to fast for my labs. Luckily I had my appointment at 8 am. I honestly did OK with it. I went about 13 hours between eating. I was hungry for a bit but then the pangs went away. And I was pleasantly surprised that I did not have a caffeine withdrawal headache and didn't feel overly tired, which proves if I want to quit it I can. The nurse practitioner that I saw for my exam had a student studying with her, just my luck, so I had two strangers poking at my lady bits and pushing on my obese stomach. Even though I act cool on the surface, it is so uncomfortable to have anyone else see and touch me, and pap/pelvic exams are the most vulnerable. And, get this! They told me that the new recommendation is for colonoscopy exams to begin at age 45 now instead of 50 and they want me to have one. UGH! I can't even stand the thought of it. I left the appointment feeling uncomfortable and any bit of faked self-esteem fell off me as soon as I closed the clinic door. I stopped at a local grocery store and bought $30 worth of junk food; 2 donuts, some marked down Halloween candy, chips, some Christmas window clings (not junk but not 100% needed) and some frozen dinners for my kids. I ate the donuts knowing my stomach was going to suffer and it did. I had my little binge and then took a nap. It is one of the reasons I take the day of my physical exam off each year, I always feel mentally and physically shot afterwards. All of this has made me aware that this has to change. My stomach is revolting against me and my poor choices. I have not been listening to it. Obviously eggs will no longer be a part of my menu and that might make me have to get even more creative with meal planning, but I do know that I am going to do South Beach diet, I just haven't decided whether I want to do the regular version or the keto-friendly version. I don't love meat and beans do not treat me well so I have a lot of things to figure out but that's where I am heading. I know how bad simple carbs are and I have been having them so liberally. I have added positive affirmations and meditation into my mornings as well this week. I feel confident that will be a positive part of my eventual success. My goal is to make the automatic thoughts I have about myself to be positive, no matter what my body looks like.