Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Been So Long

It has been so long, I am not sure I know how to blog anymore. I feel like my life has been spiralling out of control lately. This happens to me whenever a semester starts, and this time I am taking 3 classes, 2 of which are writing emphasis (read: write papers until you want to scream, then do 5-6 online discussions, read a few hundred pages and watch a few videos, then do some research and have an intellectual conversation about many subjects of which you have very little interest) while working full time in an office undergoing a major remodel-rebuilding project, trying to plan a move cross-country and raising two special-needs kids who seem to be the "bad kids" in their classrooms. Trying to go plant-based vegan has been a true challenge. Sometimes I think I have my mind wrapped around it, but most of the time, between what I can't eat (for being vegan) and what I can't eat for being iron-deficient, I fall into a category of not caring, and eating whatever I want. I am still vegetarian, but giving up dairy is tough for me, especially because I have been eating a lot of chocolate since school began. I simply don't have the time to devote to it. My husband's schedule also changed, so every morning he leaves the house at 5:30am, which means, I haven't been to they gym in months, there's just no way I can make a 20-minute workout worthwhile. Logic is telling me that I can workout at home, but I am not listening. I am almost back up to the weight I started at when I had such success. It kills me, and I lament over it often, dwelling on the past, how I just dug in and did it, and got so far and felt so good. But what I have come to realize is that, beating myself up and trying to figure out what motivated me then only makes it harder for me to get back to a good place now. Last week was my first time I had a couple days off to get a little bit of extra homework done, and it was the first week of the semester that I could finally read something I wanted to read, a book about being mindful about eating, and why we make excuses and beat ourselves up. It is called, "But I deserve this chocolate" and I was hoping so hard that it would give me a whole bunch of aha moments, but it just didn't. I get what the book is saying, that we sabotage ourselves with our own thoughts, and I totally agree. The biggest takehome message I got from it is that you have to live in the moment. You can't think about fixing things some other day or freak out about the past and how good or bad you did back then. True. I keep beating myself up that I was once down to 152, and now I have gained at least 30 of those pounds back. That was then, when I didn't have a job or school, when I had a whole mess of free time and it fit into my life so easily. Ever since my knee started really getting bad a year ago, my opposite hip began hurting too, I was compensating for the bad knee by walking differently and putting all my wieght on it when standing. Now my hip is getting to the point where I am suspecting there is damage or a tear in it. So I need to find out if I will need another stinking surgery. I really don't want another surgery, but it is really irritating me, and I don't even want to think about using it for exercise until it is fixed. I was trying to put it out of my mind, hoping it would fix itself if I lost weight, but just this week, two separte people asked why I am limping, and I didn't realize I was. Sigh. I just want the health issues to be done for now. The energy spike I was hoping for in being treated for the iron/vitamin D deficiencies hasn't happened and I know I'll feel better if I get back to healthy eating and exercise, but I am just one big self-inflicted roadblock for myself right now. The one thing that has made me feel the most calm and centered lately has been learning about Buddhism, and the letting go of things that cause you an overabundance of emotions. I am still a work in progress. I will get back on track someday, I'm just not sure how or when. Hope you are well. Sorry it's been so long.

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