Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Adjusting

I think I am starting to find my groove where the school year is concerned.  My kids are having an easier time adjusting this time, which makes it easier on me.  Things have settled down for me as I wrapped up my final "friends trip" and only have two more small trips planned now until we move in spring.  I love to go see and do things but there is always a compromise in being gone a lot, having to work ahead in my classes in order to keep up, and housework left undone.  I will take what rest I can get on the weekends that we aren't traveling and have been working hard to get ahead in my classes so I don't get too overwhelmed when a deadline approaches.  
This is my last year of college, I'll get my Bachelors degree in May, shortly after we move to California.  I saved my speech class for my last year because it is something I've been dreading!  I know it is quite common to not like speaking in front of others, but I think it is much amplified in people with low self esteem, and I am in that category, at least when it comes to public speaking!  Since my classes are all online, my speech course is modified so one speech is done via a recorded video and the others in a virtual classroom where we log on and give our speech via webcam.  It is going to be uncomfortable for me regardless, and I am really hoping this semester goes fast. I noticed myself stress-eating yesterday, before recording my first speech and later when I was thinking about my next speech in two weeks.  At least I am aware of it and can control it to some extent, I told myself I am being silly, that everyone else feels nervous too and that in the long run, no one will remember my speech, they'll be thinking about their own.  
I can feel bad things happening to my body since I have lost my drive to fix what is broken.  The exhaustion has returned, my body is stiff and sore and my clothes are fitting more snug again.  I don't like feeling so old and tired.  I don't like feeling heavy and hurting, especially my knee.  In order to change it, I need to focus on this more.  My knee is getting swollen for a reason.  I have found a formula that makes it feel better, eliminating processed carbs.  I have been ignoring that and slipping back into auto-pilot.  But it's on my mind, my knee won't let me forget, and I know at very least, getting the carbs back under control will help me tremendously, especially with the mornings getting chillier.  It's one thing to say I need to do it, and another to put my words into action, but I realize that my choice will yield the expected results no matter which way I go.  

No comments:

Post a Comment