I recently had my yearly physical exam and my nurse practitioner confirmed what I already suspected, that I am in perimenopause. And my vitamin D levels have dropped again despite supplementing religiously. I had to have an ultrasound done for pain I've been having and it turns out I have a fibroid or polyp in my uterus. They wanted to do a procedure to remove the growth but said it wouldn't help with the pain so I opted not to do it. It's uncomfortable but ibuprofen helps a lot. I was happy to see my blood pressure is in a great, nice normal place (maybe due to the fish oil I've started taking??) and the rest of my blood work was magnificently normal except for vitamin D a little low and my triglycerides slightly high but nothing crazy like it once was. It was a relief to know I'm not killing myself while I try to figure out my head.
I saw this awesome pic the other day:
And it really struck me. I have been so caught up in trying to heal the ways I feel I've been wronged in the past by comforting myself and breaking ties with what I thought I was and am that it never even dawned on me that I could accept an apology that was never given. Tonight when I began to pull the same image of myself as a hurt child into my mind, ther is a moment where I get off the steps to go talk to my mom and usually there is a lot of tears and hurtful, dark things that transpire next, but this time when I went to talk to her the whole room was basqued in brilliant sunlight, specks of dust danced on the sunbeams jubilant. Even before I started to accept the apology I felt total peace, wonder even euphoria rush into me. My mother and father both apologized for not being more attentive and warm. I didn't get much chance to stay in meditation due to interruption, but I think this is an area I will revisit because it felt really healing.
So that's where I am. Still trying to figure myself out. I'm not ever going to give up!