Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Apologies

My semester in college is winding down in the next couple weeks, which has me dreaming of sweet, sweet personal time. I've begun reading a book:
It is pretty interesting, based around similar concepts as Geneen Roth in that the diet mentality only makes us gain more weight, sets us up for body image problems and is slowly killing us from the brain down.  There are some interesting studies that back up what she is saying.  The only way to break free from the diet/deprivation mentality is to let it go and listen to your body.  We create our food obsession by denying ourselves what we really want, once we give in with the knowledge that we can have whatever we want whenever we want it, it has a lot less charge. She includes the method of stopping when you've had enough.  That's a tricky concept for me.  I'm so used to diet mentality of portion size or food-numbing potion of "never-enough", even if I'm uncomfortably full but  I'm not numb yet.  Geneen says that "enough is not an amount, it's a relationship to what you already have."  It's a lovely sentiment, but it doesn't make a compulsive eater stop eating during a binge or even during a regular meal.  One of Josie's tidbits of information is that there is a distinct time while you are eating(providing you were eating because you are genuinely hungry and not emotionally eating), when the food doesn't have much taste anymore.  This is one of your body's biological signals that you are PHYSICALLY satisfied, you have the right amount of fuel.  I never realized this was a signal, I just attributed it to my mouth getting "used to" the flavor.  If you keep chasing food looking for the elusive flavor delight, it just won't ever be as satisfying as the ideal you have in your head.  So we consume a bucketful of extra calories because we don't stop when the food stops tasting outstanding.  I'm a multitasking eater, I prefer to be watching the morning news or looking at Facebook while I eat.  So I never notice the signal.  I eat until it's gone or until I become disgusted at the thought of another bite.  So I  learning new things to try.  
I recently had my yearly physical exam and my nurse practitioner confirmed what I already suspected, that I am in perimenopause.  And my vitamin D levels have dropped again despite supplementing religiously.  I had to have an ultrasound done for pain I've been having and it turns out I have a fibroid or polyp in my uterus.  They wanted to do a procedure to remove the growth but said it wouldn't help with the pain so I opted not to do it.  It's uncomfortable but ibuprofen helps a lot.  I was happy to see my blood pressure is in a great, nice normal place (maybe due to the fish oil I've started taking??) and the rest of my blood work was magnificently normal except for vitamin D a little low and my triglycerides slightly high but nothing crazy like it once was.  It was a relief to know I'm not killing myself while I try to figure out my head.  
I saw this awesome pic the other day:
And it really struck me.  I have been so caught up in trying to heal the ways I feel I've been wronged in the past by comforting myself and breaking ties with what I thought I was and am that it never even dawned on me that I could accept an apology that was never given.  Tonight when I began to pull the same image of myself as a hurt child into my mind, ther is a moment where I get off the steps to go talk to my mom and usually there is a lot of tears and hurtful, dark things that transpire next, but this time when I went to talk to her the whole room was basqued in brilliant sunlight, specks of dust danced on the sunbeams jubilant.  Even before I started to accept the apology I felt total peace, wonder even euphoria rush into me.  My mother and father both apologized for not being more attentive and warm.  I didn't get much chance to stay in meditation due to interruption, but I think this is an area I will revisit because it felt really healing.  
So that's where I am.  Still trying to figure myself out.  I'm not ever going to give up!

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