Monday, February 29, 2016

What's been happening

I am five weeks into my semester, and this is the first week that I have been able to say I am finally slightly ahead of my work instead of trying to catch up.  I have had so mug to try to coordinate that I literally just don't feel like there are enough hours to get it all done.  
If you have read my blog you may know that my family was planning to move to Sacramento at the end of March.  I have spent more that two years planning and researching it and after visiting the city last year, we were all totally on board and excited to move.  I even gave notice at my work and our apartment in January because we were certain it was happening.  I started job hunting, and made some great connections in the area we were moving, even had a pre-interview phone screening and 2 offers to schedule formal interviews when I arrived.  Together, my husband and I spent hours pouring over apartments and finally found a great place in a quiet suburb, so we applied.  The next day my husband said he was starting to doubt that we were doing the right thing.  He was concerned that we'd make a good enough wage to live as comfortably there as we do here.  It was a valid point, cost of living is more and with me set to graduate in May, we'll have to start paying off my school loans on top of it.  We went through a week of roller coaster emotions, bouncing between "let's do it" and, "This is harder than it should be."  Between work,school, trying to move 2,000 miles and dealing with the near constant behavior problem of my son at school, I was completely spent, and it started to feel like what was our dream was somehow suddenly just my dream.  When it got to a point where my husband was trying to convince me of all the reasons we shouldn't move I knew that no matter what I said or felt would be discounted or fought against because he'd already made up his mind that it was too risky, assuming that our outcome would be negative, based on assumptions and someone else's tales of woe.  My emotions and stress level were at a breaking point and I just had to let my biggest dream crash all around me.  Luckily, I was able to keep my job.  I had already begun a sort of detachment to the place, thinking of all the "lasts" I would have, the last morning meeting, the last time I'd have to hear the doorbell, the last time I'd have to work with some of my irrational or grouchy regulars, etc.  but it is stable and my wage is high and the benefits are outstanding.  We weren't so lucky with our apartment, and not only did we have to find a new apartment in our own city, but our existing complex has been showing potential renters our apartment which means we have to keep the place orderly, which is not our strongpoint.  At least we found a place and signed for it, so in 2 weeks we can start moving some things over.  We will be all moved in by the end of March, then to lift our spirits, we are taking a family vacation to Las Vegas.  We haven been back to visit Vegas since we moved here from there, and my younger son has been begging to go back and see his birthplace again.  It'll be fun to visit friends and show the kids where we used to live and work.  
I am not dealing well with us not moving to Sacramento, it still makes me feel so heartbroken and short-changed.  I hate how winter here makes me feel emotionally and physically, old, tired, achy, sad, flat.  And the anxiety over driving in snow?  I think I will seek out therapy for it next winter.  I know I have to process through this time of such deep disappointment because everything is jammed up in a ball of grey, hurt and anger, so much so that I don't want to find a way to feel better about it, and I don't have time to grieve it right now.  But it is always looming like the storm front on the horizon; I keep thinking if I don't look at the clouds, it'll just go away and leave me alone.  
I won't even talk about weight stuff tonight.  Having time to stress over how I look is a luxury I can't afford right now.  Maybe in May when I graduate and the weather is nice.  We will be living on a conservancy and are allowed to have a small dog.  Once the sun returns I think I'll find a little piece of my "happy" again.  

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