The second thing was my History professor telling me that my short essays were among the best in the class and that I am mastering difficult material. That is huge because history is a subject I have always been aweful at.
So after those two positives happened I went back about my business and something came up that made me think of those two women at my work again and I started letting negative thoughts roll through my mind then I realized what it was making me feel like. I felt like I had a ball of cement in my chest. My shoulders were tight, my jaw clenched, my brow furled. I felt bad. My own thoughts made me feel bad. And I was the only one that felt bad. The women in question stop thinking about me instantly, but here I was giving up my happy feelings for them. Willingly. And stewing over it didn't make me feel good at all. So there was no reason to go on feeling like that if it serves no purpose. And I let it go, and felt better. It felt really good to be aware of myself for a minute, deciding not to let myself feel like crap when it had no benefit to anyone, especially me. That little moment of clarity kicked that ball of cement out of my chest and relaxed my shoulders. I have a choice in my reaction to things, and I have a lifetime of reactions to sift through and a plenitude of more ahead of me, but I think this could be a major shift in thinking for my that will actually make my life so much richer in so many ways. In a way, being aware is, in part, like sticking up for myself; it's making a statement that I deserve to feel good. And it's been a long time since I've believed that. And maybe that's where my new chapter begins.