Letting it go
It has been one of those weeks where I am happy tomorrow's Friday because I really need a break from this past week. Not that my every waking moment is not consumed with tasks,even on the weekends, but a break from my job is needed right now. I have a mid-level boss and a doctor (both female) whose personalities are so overwhelming for me that the little punk rebel girl in me can barely hold my tongue sometimes. I try to discuss it with said manager and she dismisses me. I really allow myself to get sucked into the expase of caring too much about my little department when these two women care so little about it. I let it eat me up, I create these conversations in my head where I am serving up the delectable crow I'd like them to eat sometimes. It makes my blood boil. And they treat my immediate boss unfairly, and he is an honorable guy who is always looking out for his team, but with these women all on their power-trip lord over his domain he is out powered. They have the slimeball scheming power to get anyone fired who they don't like. And the manager above them trusts them blindly, so going above their head is useless. Blah. I've had some really rude customers lately too. But today I had two positive things happen and it took just those two little things to start to open me up to a few things. One was a customer whom I'd helped out in a pinch. Her glasses had broken and she was busy dealing with a funeral, and her son had been in a bad car accident the night before and she's from out of town and short a car because of her son's accident. I found a temporary solution by setting her lenses into a different frame and mailed them to her wishing her a positive change of luck. She called today to thank me and tell me she loves them and can see well and that I really helped her and made her day. That made me feel so good that she took the time to tell me how grateful she was.
The second thing was my History professor telling me that my short essays were among the best in the class and that I am mastering difficult material. That is huge because history is a subject I have always been aweful at.
So after those two positives happened I went back about my business and something came up that made me think of those two women at my work again and I started letting negative thoughts roll through my mind then I realized what it was making me feel like. I felt like I had a ball of cement in my chest. My shoulders were tight, my jaw clenched, my brow furled. I felt bad. My own thoughts made me feel bad. And I was the only one that felt bad. The women in question stop thinking about me instantly, but here I was giving up my happy feelings for them. Willingly. And stewing over it didn't make me feel good at all. So there was no reason to go on feeling like that if it serves no purpose. And I let it go, and felt better. It felt really good to be aware of myself for a minute, deciding not to let myself feel like crap when it had no benefit to anyone, especially me. That little moment of clarity kicked that ball of cement out of my chest and relaxed my shoulders. I have a choice in my reaction to things, and I have a lifetime of reactions to sift through and a plenitude of more ahead of me, but I think this could be a major shift in thinking for my that will actually make my life so much richer in so many ways. In a way, being aware is, in part, like sticking up for myself; it's making a statement that I deserve to feel good. And it's been a long time since I've believed that. And maybe that's where my new chapter begins.