My Own Truth

Well I guess I cannot deny that summer and Indian Summer have gone for this year.  The weather has definitely shifted and we have even started to get a few snow flurries in my neck of the woods.  I am not going to lie, it makes me a little sad, but I really don't feel like I relished every minute of summer either.  I'm a fussy sort I guess.  We did have a beautiful fall this year so I am trying not to complain too much and just be grateful for what comes. 
I am happy to say that since I gave up dieting, the whole realm of FOOD has been so much more peaceful for me.  Knowing I can have whatever I want, whenever, takes a lot of power away from foods.  The other major change I am noticing is that I am becoming aware of "food lies" that my brain was telling me to try and get what I need emotionally.  For instance, I don't like sweet stuff that much.  Haven't been in the mood for them too often since I started doing this.  Back when I was low-carb dieting I would lose my cravings for sweets, but the minute I ate some I'd be back off the wagon and binging on them.  Now, even when I have some, I am kind of 'over it'.  I have been throwing or giving away stuff I bought and didn't finish; a tray of cookies, a bag of mini candy bars, I even had a peg sized bag of Skittles last me almost 3 weeks.  I am finding that I can only eat a little before my mouth wants to stop.  I hate that phlemy-coat of sugar mess that gets left in my throat, I really do.  So, I have actually been able to pass up on sweets, even when I am sometimes thinking about having some, just on the feeling that the phlem ball in the throat is not worth it. 
What I do love, which I never would have considered a favorite food before but have been craving majorly, is frozen bananas with my favorite coconut-oil peanut butter inside!

It is so yummy.  And, I really like to eat cold things.  I have been enjoying frozen grapes and strawberries lately too.  One weekend the kids and I made popcicles made out of frozen bananas, strawberries and horchata!  It was a little too sweet for me with the horchata, we may try almond milk next time.  So I am trying to focus on the textures that I like, physically.  What I am noticing is that my body is not physically hungry nearly as much as I expected.  I feel like I am not eating that much/often.  My lunch this week is a snack of crackers and cheese.  It is so satisfying (mentally, and for my taste buds) and I usually end up too busy to snack at work before going home, but I am getting more comfortable with the feeling of being physically hungry instead of panicking and having to feel like I have to eat before I get hungry or the instant I start feeling my stomach growl.  I guess at almost 45 years, I am still learning stuff about my body!
I feel like I can tell a difference in my body, especially my face, but I am trying to also change my entire way of looking at and judging myself too.  Last week, I went swimming with my sons at the YMCA, it's our regular Wednesday thing now.  In the pool, I noticed how flat and good my body felt, lighter, not just physically because of the water, but because the burden of feeling like I'm doing something wrong or falling short of a big goal/dream was lifted off me.  When I get dressed after getting out of the pool, I noted how my stomach protrudes out, and remembered how there was once a time when it was much flatter.  I stood up and looked in the mirror and my body in my intentionally-oversized clothes and I was beginning to say to myself, 'boy, I look...'  but before I could finish the sentence with a negative thought, I allowed my focus to come back to my face, and smiled and thought, 'I look like me.  I'm so full of me-ness today!"  And I was fully me.  The shell is just that.  Inside?  All the good stuff that no one can take away or try to change.  I am me and that's pretty wonderful.  I have the ability and the right to decide or change how I feel about any part of myself, and the more times I can catch myself slamming myself out of habit, the better the state of mind I'll be in.  I don't have to hold onto those feelings about myself just because that's what we feel is normal for us to do.  I don't have to loathe any part of me, because it all adds up to who I am in this moment, not some dream down the road somewhere.  Why would anyone choose to dislike parts of themself?  That seems counter-productive to happiness.  I don't know about anyone else, but I intend to spend the rest of the time I have left on this magnificent earth seeking out the happy in the midst of all the other noise.  So I guess it's true that happiness is a choice, I just have to be mindful of the times I am feeling not happy by habit, and find my own truth. 


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