A Look Back, and Ahead

November of this year will be my 10 year blogiversary. In some ways it blows me away that it has been 10 years, but on the other hand, I feel like this is a demon I have been running from most of my life. When I started this my kids were 5 and 7, struggling so hard to keep it together at school. We went through all the trials of finding care, transportation and a good school fit for them to handle their special needs. We were financially insecure as a family and working different shifts to be able to make it all work. I was unemployed due to a cancelled move (a death in the family) and I reached a point where I was fed up with feeling bad. My triglycerides had been dangerously high just 2 years prior (over 600!) and I was able to get the numbers to look better but never stuck to anything until my doctor wrote on a prescription pad “South Beach Diet” and told me I would die young if I did not control my intake of carbs. I went from 190’ish to 152 in less than a year and looked and felt better than I could remember feeling in years. Then I got a job and my free time disappeared. And my kids still had issues at school. And babysitters quit without notice. And. And. And. I allowed myself to comfort in sweets and salty/fatty foods and all the weight came back. Since then I have been up and down the same 10-15 pounds over and over. Like the rest of my life, and the very nature of how things go in general, there have been a lot of highs and lows with my weight loss journey and honestly, few of them had anything to do with the actual weight on the scale. My own thoughts are constantly changing. One day I am positive and body-proud and focused on what really really matters; one day I am beating myself up for not taking better care of myself. Now that I’m in perimenopause there are days where I am just so darn stabby I can barely tolerate myself. And when I’m in that stabby space I don’t even WANT to change my mind to a positive place; I don’t want to be cheered up I just want to be alone to numb myself. Fortunately those days are fewer than the rest and typically they are followed by better days. I told myself I would recommit to South Beach Diet after Aunt Flow left this month and she just arrived this morning so it is right around the corner now. This weekend when I shop I will buy items for the “keto” phase that kickstarts the diet. This phase is hard on me because I end up missing fruit so bad even though I haven’t been eating that much of it lately. I mostly crave strawberries. After 2 weeks on the most strict part then I get to add some slower-digesting carbs back in; a slice of whole grain bread, maybe a little whole grain or brown rice with dinner, clean, non-sugary carbs, and fruit is allowed again. My mindset right now (for the record, today is one of those stabby days) is that I don’t want to have to focus on food and restrict, but I do know that every time I am on South Beach diet for a few weeks, I end of feeling great and find it very easy to stick to. With all my joint issues right now it has to be better than what I’m currently doing! Plus, I have definitely noticed more energy when I control my carbs, and my bloodwork is typically sparkling clean too. So I do think, after all the trial and error, going back to what works is what I have to do. Even my current doctor told me to get back to eating lower carb not just to help with the extra weight, but for blood sugars, cholesterol and joint pain. Eating lower carb naturally makes me eat on a better schedule (and not go 7 hours in between) and makes me drink tons more water. So mindset is going to be key. I have to remind myself that I am not so much restricted as I am taking the reins on my health and my future. I am in control of my body and yes, I can have whatever I want whenever I want but the majority of what I will be eating will be on plan, lower carb and have some nutrient value instead of bean burritos blanketed in cheese and smothered with sour cream. That can be an occasional treat when it’s needed. My focus has been really distracted from weight loss and I can get to a point where I tell myself I really don’t care about the weight. I convince myself that, at my age, I simply want to be healthier, but then if I really step back and listen to the nasty things I say to myself and assume others are thinking about me, I realize I do want to lose weight. I am aware it won’t make my unrelated problems go away; I will still dislike driving in snow, I will still have low-grade anxiety, I will still have to deal with my dog not going potty when I want him to and not liking my job that much. But there will be a million advantages to weighing less, and being healthier and moving with more ease are two of them. I am a little less than halfway through my course that I am taking for the career change and I am getting impatient. Stabby days make my job even more stressful because I am the face of my company and when I am not in the right mood it’s really hard to be a people-pleaser; it takes so so much more energy. I am dreaming so much about getting a house and working from home, those are my next two big goals and they both sound divine! I know they will happen because we are really working toward them with a lot of drive. Now I will add taking care of myself to the list because it is necessary. If I don’t take care of my health none of the rest of it will matter.