Makes me Think

I got a message from my sister last night that my mom's breathing is getting worse. She has COPD, moderate emphysema and she is in denial so she rarely uses her prescribed inhalers. She keeps trying to get everyone to believe she has allergies. No one buys it. I don't pretend to understand why she does what she does, in my opinion she has had mental health issues since childhood but she is too proud to admit it and she is just slowly killing herself. Maybe that is her plan. I was complaining to my husband about how all she ever eats is McDonalds, litterally, her one meal a day she allows herself is fast food. She does not keep her fridge plugged in because she is convinced it will make her power bill skyrocket, despite having plenty of money. She equates being skinny with being healthy. Her doctor has told her she has dangerously high cholesterol despite her rapidly declining weight and that she needs to watch her salt and sugar intake because it is putting strain on her heart. Still, she keeps eating fast food every single day. My sister has her over for dinner some nights, just so she can have a healthy meal, but her personality makes it hard on my sister's mental health. While I was complaining to my husband about how terribly she treats herself (especially how she eats) I started feeling like maybe I should be giving that speech to myself. Right now I have a left ankle that has been hurting and swelling since last October, a right achilles tendon that has been so painful I have to fight back tears when walking on it, and suspected torn cartilage in my left knee (where, by the way, I have already had torn cartilage removed). Now, maybe some of this is coincidental, but I do feel if I had been able to succesfully keep my weight controlled these might have been easier to overcome or even avoid. I think about diabetes and even though my blood sugar numbers looked better this year, they are at the high end of normal and I know that can do damage even before you get a formal diagnosis. I also know having diabetes makes you much more susceptible to getting cancer. So the simple thing would be to follow through with a low-carb diet which has been shown as and effective way to both lower blood sugars, and help you lose weight. I am not in an inspired place. This was also the second year that my kidney function labs showed up higher than normal, which my doctor didn't comment on. I have to assume she knows what to be concerned about and what not to be, but I am aware of it. It can be high if you are dehydrated, and I will say with the mask having to be on all day I definitely drink a lot less than I used to. So I am not freaking out but it is on my mind. I have been very drained/tired lately too. I am not trying to overthink it, but the last time I felt this way my iron and vitamin D levels were very low. I also wonder if my adrenals are fatigued from the caffeine intake over the years. All things I have said I want to pay closer attention to or change, but boy! It sure takes effort. I am just stuck in this familiar "someday" place where I tell myself I want to change it all, live clean and healthy and fit (maybe for the first time ever); I am going to juice and eat tons of fresh produce and get rid of the processed junk and give up meat and dairy and coffee...I'm not sure I'm cut out for it and right now I'm not inspired to do it and don't really know how to find inspiration. So much of my energy is focused on studying and I hate it, but that's taking priority because there is a time limit. I only have access to the class materials until the end of January then I'm on my own, so I want to complete the course materials in time to have a little extra time to study. Anyway, I make a lot of excuses and I know I have to confront these kneejerk reactions to the thought of 'restricting'. I have a lot of mental work to do because in all honesty, that's harder than the physical work. That, and planning menus for myself. LOL. So maybe my mom's poor health is a good wake-up call for me, and I need to take my own advice. I am not in denial about the detriments to my health, I am a little worried about the mental energy it will require, but often I do find that anticipation is worse than the actual event. I will just have to make my food taste so good I want for nothing. There's a challenge if I ever heard one!