On the Horizon

Yesterday was one of those days where I was sapped of energy all day. My mood was so low and I felt all achy and irritable. Then once the sun went down I started coming alive again. I pretty much spent 100% of my day on my phone, on Facebook, watching Hulu, playing games. I used to fantasize about having an entire day off to do that, but now that I am on medical leave, I have plenty of free time and I realize that doing nothing productive all day long makes me feel so lazy and blue. The thing is, my phone is so addictive. The first thing I do in the morning is check Facebook. I created this habit because when its really hard to get going in the morning a quick glance at Facebook wakes me right up. I find that I get caught up in threads and before I know it, an hour has passed and I am still on my phone. Eat breakfast while looking at my phone. Move to the living room and sit on my phone some more. It can be 2-3 hours in the morning (since I'm on medical leave) and then I lose my desire to do homework so I just watch some shows. The cycle is hard to break, especially since I don't really have to right now. This is how I have been on leave since Dec7 and I have only completed 4 chapters of study. Had I applied myself I could have completed the course already, but now I still have 6 chapters left. I still think I can finish them before my leave ends in a month or so, but I could have been studying for my certification exam by now. still, if I had all this time and only studied or cleaned the house and never did anything just for fun and relaxation, I would go back to work and feel disappointed. So one of my challenges for the remainder of my leave time is to strike a good balance between productivity and indulgent relaxation! This morning I limited myself to a quick check of my phone for about 10 minutes while I had my morning coffee, then I vowed to put my phone down and get something productive done. I even left my phone alone while eating my breakfast, which felt so unusual. After breakfast I got to work putting the Christmas decorations away and doing some light housework. Let me tell you, the smallest task becomes a chore on a knee scooter. My pushing foot gets irritating from pushing and my kneeling knee gets irritated from having my weight on it. Then all the extra turns and Y-turns to get positioned correctly...it's a workout! I really wanted to take a bath after that because not only was I sweaty but bathtime for me usually means I am indulgently relaxing, reading or watching something (even though the whole thing of not putting weight on my foot and keeping my cast dry makes baths really cumbersome). So I set myself up for success by telling myself I couldn't take a bath until I finished my chapter and took the unit tests. Focusing on the reward of chill time kept me focused and I got through my tasks in good time. I watched some episodes of My 600 LB life and got that hot soak in the tub. I felt really good, not just because I was finally relaxing but because I got a good amount of stuff done so relaxing felt like a reward. Watching those shows about weight always hits me in the feels. I started to identify with them, though what happened to them is different, the feelings of guilt, shame, rejection were the same. I also identified with their fear of failure and fear of giving up what's comfortable. I started thinking about the diseases lurking, diabetes, cancer (because once you have diabetes you are way more susceptible to cancer) depression, kidney and breathing issues...I have always felt like I was just super lucky because even though I have been overweight most of my life, I have only been diagnosed with hypertension and have held the rest at bay. So far. I mulled over the book I just finished reading and how my reaction was so immediately negative because of the rigitidy and softened to the idea of adapting it to suit my needs. Then, at just the right time, I saw a post from my favorite compulsive eating author Geneen Roth and she said (paraphrasing) your journey isn't meant to look like anyone else's. I softened the rest of the way and now I do think I can figure out a plan for myself that works for me instead of trying to rely on others to tell me how I should live my life. That's the part of me that has been rebelling. Yes, I am sure that eating non organic food can lead to cancer, but so does eating a bunch of sugars, so I will take the gamble on the non-organic apple or just the grass fed beef instead of the most expensive type of organic, grass-fed, antibiotic-free from a local, humane farm and the like. I admit I was using all-or-nothing thinking while reacting to Mark Hyman's book and I was a little put-off by the fact that he said vegetarian or vegan diets are not ideal. I don't love meat but will try some new stuff and see how it goes. Once I'm a healthy weight I can cut back on meat if I want. Anyway, all these words are me trying to say I might be ready to formulate some sort of plan to get back on the wagon. I don't have all the details yet but my mind is in a better place for the planning phase and that already lifts my mood as I feel like I may finally be moving forward.