Ebb and Flow

Lately what is on my mind is control. More specifically, being aware of what I am trying to control, often without realizing it. I started noticing last week when my sons were scheduled to get their second dose of their COVID vaccination, it was scheduled for shortly after I got home from work and on the drive home I was stressing out about quickly getting inside, using the bathroom, greeting my dog and husband and making sure the boys were ready to go. I also remembered that one of my sons lost his vaccine card and was stressing about that. Then I looked in my backseat and realized I had some extra boxes I have been saving for when we find a house. Oh man! That’s so messy back there, now I have to add that to the list of things I need to take care of before we go! I felt this ball of stress sitting in the middle of my chest, my shoulders, jaw and neck were all tense. Then I had a moment of clarity. I am creating stress where there doesn’t need to be any. I took a deep breath and went inside the house and acted as if there was no big rush and we all got there in plenty of time and before I knew it the whole thing was done, with no drama, and they had my son’s vaccination card ready as it had been turned in by someone who found it. My son even volunteered to drive us and that was just a cherry on top. I know I have probably learned the lesson before, that I am creating my own stress, but the lesson never stuck like it is now. A few weeks ago I was helping a challenging customer at work. He has a way of pushing buttons to get what he wants by acting upset/angry about prices, service, etc. With my old manager, he got his way and got discounts no one else did so he has learned if he pushes enough he will get something out of it. I knew this about him before I worked with him, so I planned ahead that if he wanted anything above and beyond what I am allowed to give, I would calmly explain that I would have the manager contact him. We went through the options and he picked all of the best, most expensive things, and then he balked at the price, even with 20% off. I amazed myself by how calm I was able to stay, despite him being a bit grouchy and demanding. I smiled under my mask and in a positive manner I said, “Oh, if you want a better deal than our current sale, I will have to have my manager call you to discuss if anything can be done.” I was friendly and pleasant and helpful and not just on the outside, but I literally made the decision beforehand that I wasn’t going to let him stress me out. I could do nothing about the situation so getting worked up about it did not serve me in any manner. And when he came back to solidify his order and pay, I remained calm again. And when he called back frustrated about the codes for trying to fill out his insurance reimbursement paperwork I agreed to myself to not get pulled into his stressful way he manages his life, and about halfway through the call he complimented me on my professionalism and apologized for being anal (his word, not mine) and that he understands he can be difficult to work with. By me not getting upset, he was able to calm down and let me know he appreciates it. This was a big win for me because it may be the first time in my entire life that I was aware of the potential to be reactive to something and decided not to. And it worked to my advantage. I have always admired people who can keep their cool in challenging situations, and in those moments, I was one. I also noticed that I am creating stress simply by how I go about my day. When I was still under the care of a podiatrist, and learning how to walk properly after my Achilles surgery, she told me, “You walk so darn fast. You will have much better form if you slow down.” And for months I have been thinking, it’s just how I walk, how do you change that habit? But lately I have been slowing down and actually making sure my heel hits the ground first. Not only does it relieve some of the tension on my tendon but I feel calmer. Today as I was practicing this walking into work I realized that the habit began early on because if I didn’t keep up I would get left behind. Then there are times when I am with my husband and son and they are both taller than me and walk fast and frequently have to stop and wait for me and I always push myself to walk faster so I’m not inconveniencing them. So today as I walked slower and correctly, I noticed that I had a sensation of peace about me and I even had much better posture, holding my head up and feeling relaxed instead of always feeling so rushed. I am allowed to take up space and take my time, it’s better for me. The world will not crumble if I arrive to my office two minutes later, or if someone has to wait a little bit for me. My body will be more in control of the movements, I will have greater time to react and I will enjoy the walk too. It makes me feel in control of things instead of reacting to them, and it coinsides with allowing myself to detach from things that would normally cause me stress. For the past two weeks I have been dealing with a lost shipment of my son’s medicine. The post office was sending me notifications that $7.70 was due for shipping and they wouldn’t deliver it to me. The company we order from offers free shipping but they must have forgotten to put the postage on. I was meaning to call, and stressing out about having to make time to call and have them track it and I procrastinated to the point where it got returned to the company and they called me and said there was a shipping issue and they were sending it back out. I stressed for no reason. I don’t always have to control things. Fortunately he had more than enough medicine to get by so it was a non-issue really. Then a message I have been meaning to send, the person I was supposed to send it to got in touch with me and asked the info they needed. I didn’t need to feel stressed or that I have to take control of it, someone else can also take charge. It was resolved and I didn’t have to take the lead. I have been letting my husband take on some responsibility too, he took my dog to his annual checkup this year-a task I dread- and my husband reported it went really well. I am learning to relax a little, and it has been a needed for a long time. I am even able to detach emotionally from this house hunting. We have “lost”3 houses that we have made offers on and didn’t get, and there have been houses I liked but my husband didn’t. I am learning that stressing out about it ruins the experience. In general I am learning to find the middle of the extremes, for maybe the first time in my life. I am detaching from the drama I am usually simultaneously drawn to but deep down detest. I am straightening my crown and facing the ebb and flow like the queen I have always been.