Mind Traps

Wednesdays have always been a day when I don't want to move my lazy butt. I am sure there's some mental hang-up that I have taught myself that revolves around thinking I'm exhausted or it's so...middle-of-the-week-boring. I don't know what kind of classic conditioning happened but it has been an obstacle for me for years. knowing that, and the fact that my entire body felt stiff and achey this morning, I changed up my plan for today. instead of cardio I did about 20 minutes of self-guided yoga poses and 10 minutes of meditation. The meditation is really an invitation to escape from all demands on my time, attention and energy. I really appreciated both the stretching and the peaceful little escape before my day started. I don't allow myself enough time to detach from sensory input and I find myself feeling over-stimulated because of that. One thing I noticed about my seemingly incessant hunger is that it puts me in a bad mood. I can't believe I never noticed this before. It feels sad and empty like loneliness. I can understand those people who get depressed after having gastric bypass and can't eat much anymore. I think that lonely/empty feeling tugs at my emotions of guilt when I wanted more dinner and there wasn't enough to have more. I always felt so awkward and wrong for wanting more and making my mom feel bad that there wasn't enough.

I do still struggle with "deprivation" ideation, and not just with food. My husband bought a used vehicle 3 weeks ago. It was a replacement for his car that was totalled in an accident shortly after Christmas. Before he'd even driven it 3 weeks he noticed that it was empty of oil. He added oil and started burning oil fast. Of course, he is over the mileage for the warranty due to his stupid long commute. The shop we have it at is saying it likely needs a new engine. So we are contacting the shop that sold it to us to see if they will do anything for us but if not we just spent a large amount out of pocket and have a lot more to spend to get it fixed. We still have a little in the bank but we will have spent half of what was in our savings, putting our account lower than its been in years. I panicked a bit when my husband told me and it was to a point where I almost started crying. It's not just the disappointment that we were scammed like this but the lack of security I will have with out bank account so low. Now that we have a house I constantly worry about having enough money in case something goes wrong. Anyway, we're going to be OK. I'm hoping we will hear back from the dealer with some good news tomorrow. The situation just made me realize that I have the same deprivation sensation with money as I do with food. It has been an eye-opening day. I am not sure how to handle the hunger-depression. It's not like I'm starving or depriving myself of calories, I am just eating foods that digest easier so I'm hungry more often. I got hungry an hour before lunch today, even after having a morning snack of celery loaded with cream cheese and bacon. I waited until lunch so my schedule wouldn't be messed up but it wasn't comfortable mentally. I think I may just need to beef up my meals and snacks. I did not follow through with tracking so I honestly don't know how many calories I'm eating but since I eat more fats I'm sure I am not too low. Anyway that was my day. I am OK, if not a little hangry, and tomorrow is not Wednesday so I should be just fine! One dysfunctional thing at a time! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!