Intent

I have had some great moments of mental clarity in the past few days, somewhat spurred on by Will Smith's documentary with a little help from my PMS-moodiness. Last night as I was brushing my teeth I was thinking about how I could heal some things that have hurt me since childhood. My mom's harsh words or actions, or ignoring me when her attention meant the world to me. One thing she would do is to tell my sister and I to "stop being a baby" if we were crying from emotional pain instead of being seriously injured. Sometimes she would even mimic us crying just to add salt to the wound. It has bothered both of us since childhood. I have tried to get release from its pain by acknowledging that my mom had not that great of a childhood, she was abuse physically and verbally. Still, I couldn't get past it; couldn't let her off the hook. Then last night a lightbulb when off. I was still reacting to it because I am still viewing it from the eyes of a confused child. When it was happening it felt like her intention was to hurt our feelings or make us feel like bad kids for crying when our feelings were hurt. But I asked a really important question to myself last night, 'what do you suppose her INTENTION was for acting that way?' I thought about her father, gruff and off-putting as they come, and her grandfather the same. They raised all their kids (boys or girls) like soldiers. A product of German stoicism, they thought their duty was to toughen their kids up for life so they could be independent and strong. They didn't put stock in emotions or mental health, they only knew tough love. And so, by the unaffectionate parenting skills she was handed down, my mother thought her job was to help us not die and to toughen us to prepare us for the world. That it totally screwed us up and made us have out own mental health issues was not her intention, the intention was to make us strong so we could stand up to the harsh world she knew was in front of us. The intent came from a place of love even if it didn't feel like it at the time, and by my focusing on the intent instead of my emotional reaction to it, I am able to dislodge this sticking point at least a little bit. Today when I was walking the dog I applied the same practice to another hurtful memory with my mom and by focusing on what I think the intent behind her action was, I almost stopped dead in my tracks. I was about 5 but couldn't go to kindergarten yet because my birthday's in December. So just the two if us were home. She was at the kitchen table with a cigarette, coffee and a crossword puzzle. I approached her and had a question or wanted to tell her something. After trying 3 times to get her attention and her acting as if I were invisible, I went in the other room to cry on the stairs. I felt so lonely and rejected. My mom had my sister when she was 17 and me the day before her 19th birthday. So she was about 24 when this happened. She was also married to a 24-year old alcoholic (my dad) who was very little help with us kids. They always had very little money and they fought. Today was the first time I was able to look at that situation through the eyes of an adult mother and wife who has been to points of pure burn-out from decisions and coordination and being creative in the face of multiple uphill battles at once. In those moments anything that brings joy, even something as simple as a crossword and a cup of coffee, might be the one thing that helps you carry on despite. I felt her in that moment because I have been her in that moment. I don't dismiss her ineffective parenting skills but I understand now that almost every situation that hurt me before was not done with the intent to do so. I have been carrying such a burden over these things and it took me all this time to realize that it was all for naught. My mom did the best with the coping skills and parenting skills she was taught by her own experience. There is carnage to sort, and it manifests as my own inappropriate coping skills (avoidance, numbing, self-medicating with food) but now that I am looking at things from a different angle, I think it will be easier to figure out my triggers. This can only help in my weightloss journey because the mind can make or break the success of goal. When I was done journalling my discoveries I felt like I had been through a very effective therapy session. I think I will make an effort to think like this more often as part of my healing so I can heal my mind and body together.