Trust the Processes

Today was one of those days where I just have so much doubt in the process. It's the weightloss equivalent to that feeling of when you have a shirt on that you really hate, or a really bad hair day when you have to be in public, I just felt like I haven't lost any weight and can't lose weight and never will. I had another 24 hour fast yesterday and it messed with my mind more than it ever does and I felt the food addict rebelling against the process but I stuck it out and completed my 24-hour fast, ate one meal then fasted another 17 hours. My mindset was just off today and instead of feeling inspired and hopeful my mind settled into focusing on what I didn't like, comparing myself to others and just bathing in apathy. What a sad story I told myself! After dipping down to 177 pounds last week (29 pounds lost) I ate bad over the weekend and gained 3 pounds back. I lost and regained a pound over the past two days. I rarely used to weigh myself but I am more drawn to it out of curiosity since I've been fasting for longer times. I guess with a bigger weightloss last week I assumed it would keep going instead the scale went the other way. Last Friday we had my husband's work Christmas Party. I know, I know, I thought all of the Christmas festivities were over but when he told me about it a few weeks prior he was so excited for me to come meet the people he works with so I agreed to go. It had snowed most of the day and the roads were terrible and my anxiety was makingme nauseated all day because I knew we were going to have to take icy back country roads to get to the place the party was held. I almost backed out but I knew my husband would be so disappointed. By the time we arrived I was exhausted from anxiety and needed a drink in order to be sociable. There was free alcohol so I had 2 Whie Claw drinks because they only have 2 carbs each. It didn't matter though because I can't not eat when I'm drinking, the burning in my stomach makes me need food in there to absorb it. So I nibbled some chips and pretzels and then the catered dinner was fried chicken, beef tips, mashed potatoes, stuffing, carrots and dinner rolls. It was good. I don't like eating that late but it was a special event. We had fun playing trivia and getting to know his coworkers better. Saturday I ate keto until after geocery shopping when my husband and I had a late lunch. I was still nursing my mental health and we ended up sharing a thin crust pizza at our local pub. That night my son begged me to make a homemade meal so I made beef with bell peppers and onions with Kung pao sauce over rice. Ugh three meals that weekend that were carb-heavy, no wonder I gained weight! Anyway, these things are reversible. I have been back on track this week and am planning a much cleaner weekend next week. One stroke of luck happened for me on Monday. Before Christmas I bought a few shirts from Old Navy on clearance. I got one cute halter tank top right away and the other two shirts were taking super long and the tracking wouldn't move for days so I contacted customer service to see if they could check why my package was not moving. The person helping me said that there was a mismatch on my address with PayPal so they couldn't deliver. She promptly issued a refund without offering to do anything else to resolve the issue, which disappointed me. The tops were a size large which I was testing to see if they would fit me because I have been in an XL for years. The halter tank that did come was a swing tank, so flowing and not form-fitting so I wasn't sure if that was a fluke because it fit well with room to spare. Monday, the other two shirts arrived and they both fit well with room to spare! Because the ticket got voided they didn't have an order and I got the shirts for free. I was so happy they fit. That doesn't mean all brands size L will fit me but it did lift my spirits a lot. I tried on some old clothes and took some progress photos tonight and it didn't make me feel better. My mind thinks I should be able to see the difference more than I do. I feel so much thinner than I look in the mirror or in photos. I know this feeling is temporary and will pass, probably even as soon as tomorrow but I'm acknowledging it as part of my journey with the realization that it can't all be roses all the time or I will never grow. This experience will encourage me to go back to not having stevia in my water while fasting or to try and drink my coffee black instead of adding cream and sugar, or (gasp) maybe try giving up dairy for a bit to see if it's a factor. Whatever happens I know my faith in the process will return.