So close

March is going well for me so far. One absolutely wonderful thing is I weened myself off ibuprofen for some horrifically painful issue in Mt foot near where I had achilles tendon surgery. The best I can tell is I may have had some bursitis that did finally resolve. I am so grateful that there were mornings last week, as I was walking my dog and I just repeatedly said "thank you" to the universe for taking this pain away. Ibuprofen is really terrible for your kidneys and can cause permanent damage but it does work. I am also really grateful for the warmer weather this spring. Typically March and April in Wisconsin tend to still be cold/snowy and icy, which makes it feel like spring weather will never arrive. This winter has been such a great departure from the normal below zero weather and mountains of snow! It does make my mood better. I dream of being a snowbird someday. My eating has been on the straight and narrow, even on the weekend. I struggled with it the first week and weekend and my mind wasn't really focused on my goals but in the feeling of obligation, almost like fasting for labwork or before a surgery, I HAVE to, do it makes me feel deprived. Our family dinner last weekend was unstuffed peppers which is basically beef, bell peppers, tomatoes sauce and rice. I love beef and tomato dishes and love love me some stuffed peppers but I always eat it with rice. This time I served myself a bowl before adding the rice to the recipe. Despite it tasting good, I chose to focus on the fact that I didn't "get to" have rice like the rest of the family. When I finished my bowl, I was pleasantly full and realized I didn't need the rice, I was just allowing my mind to be a child. I reminded myself that if I needed more to eat, I could have a butter bite at any time. This week I am finally getting into a better headspace. It's still a little strange not eating dinner. This week I am having some chicken broth with a pat of butter for dinner because butter bites are so rich. I am really hungry by the morning but it's nice to be able to eat early vs. other fasting schedules I've tried where I delay breakfast a bit. I did do a 24 hour fast on Friday and intended to do a longer fast on Saturday but Saturday morning I was so hungry I ate breakfast. I do wonder if I'm getting enough calories. Eating too few calories can cause metabolic issues which can make your body hold onto weight instead of burning it. I found myself hungry a lot the first week, but it's a little better this week. I am having chicken crust pizza for lunch and it is hearty. My reward was seeing 151.4 on the scale today. That's a 6 pound loss in less than 2 weeks and a magical number I haven't seen since fall when I was being more strict. I'm so close to getting into the 140's, which would just feel so surreal. I haven't been in that range since I was in high school about 30 years ago! I really started this latest quest for weightloss for my health,and I am healthier, but it's also to feel something I haven't felt many times in life, normal. To be a "normal" weight, to shop in the normal clothes section instead of the plus sized section, to look "normal" in clothes as opposed to being draped in loose fabrics in hopes that they hide my body I am so ashamed of. I used to dream of losing weight and imagine how great it would feel to be able to wear a pair of jeans without feeling as if they were cutting off circulation on my waist. Every time I had to slip between tables or desks in a classroom I envied people who didn't even question whether or not they would fit. There were times when I wondered how much longer I could go before I needed to buy a seatbelt extension for my car; my belly almost rubbing against the steering wheel because I had to sit close to the pedals being only 5 ft tall. I don't really look at what I'm gaining by losing weight, but I see it as reclaiming what being big took from me, a sense of worthiness and acceptance. If people ignore me now, I'm perfectly happy with it, because when I was big I felt like everyone noticed me and were passing silent judgment on me. Ultimately, I know my perception of that is only partially true, I probably judged myself harsher than any stranger would. I once thought I would never break the addiction to using food as a drug and now I know that getting off carbs makes my brain stop thinking like that and the struggles lessen greatly. I may not have all the answers and I will never be 100% strict all of the time, but I'm grateful for finding what works for me and knowing that even when I get off track a bit, I just have to muscle through the first few days or a week, and then this way of life makes me FEEL so much better (physically but really importantly, mentally) that it becomes easy to continue.