Liberation
I feel like I'm on the verge of something big. Deep, likely painful, but big. As in, finding some of the answers I've been searching for my whole pensive life.
It started over the weekend, I noticed times where I felt ignored, used, and dumped on recently and instead of simply feeling apathy, I tried to see where that originated. I've mentioned feeling invisible before, sometimes something I'm doing with my husband has brought up that feeling. When we're out and he knows the people we're with but I don't, like a work function for him or when he was involved with the Free Masons and we'd go to functions. I am shy which makes me socially awkward a bit, and my husband is very much not that way. So, I was brooding for a bit on Saturday when we were at a work party (his work) and he was laughing and joking about inside jokes with his work friends. I felt very invisible and awkward. There are so many little moments in life that make me feel like that. It dawned on me that this began long ago, when I was young and living in the house with my parents and sister. I was often talked over and many times when I did get a word in edgewise, it was discounted or even made fun of for what I said, to the point where I ended up not knowing what to say around people because I was so worried I'd be judged for what I said. That is a scar that can only heal from the inside; I can't ask my husband to only pay attention to me because I'm shy and my childhood left me damaged. He, being the gracious man he is, would make efforts to comfort that in me if he knew, but it's not his job, it's my job to fix those outdated feelings.
The other thing I figured out is that the whole feeling overwhelmed and "dumped on" is my fault too. I am horrible at saying no. And not just that, I will put myself out instead of asking for help when I do feel overwhelmed. I've gotten a little better about this over time, but not nearly as good as I should be at this age. It's all about boundaries. And when I listened to Geneen Roth speaking about who I'm taking myself to be, I realized that the dutiful, out of the way, be seen and not be heard daughter is a role I assumed early on in life in an effort to get love, or at very least, avoid negative attention. So there's another thing I opened up for examination recently, and the more I discover, the easier it will be to start re-conditioning some of my responses. One of Geneen's lessons is about boundaries, and she teaches a practice of putting a string around yourself on the floor. It can be whatever size you need it to be based on how big of a boundary you feel you need from the world. Inside your boundary, you have the right to say no. You have the right to demand that no one enter who you did not invite; that no one touch you or even talk to you if you don't want. It's about claiming your space and setting your boundaries. As much as I thought that was a brilliant idea when I first read about it, I haven't done it. I don't even think it has to be a physical practice, it can be meditative. In my mind I draw a circle around my body and no one may give, take, speak or do anything to me unless I give them permission. How empowering is that?!
Anyway, it has been a period of very pensive reflection and I do think all of these tiny realizations are going to add up to some big healing! I've been waiting for this since I was a child. It's time to explore and expand and get rid of some antique ideas that are no longer serving me. I'm setting new boundaries and reframing things so my mind isn't always such a mess. It feels very liberating.
It started over the weekend, I noticed times where I felt ignored, used, and dumped on recently and instead of simply feeling apathy, I tried to see where that originated. I've mentioned feeling invisible before, sometimes something I'm doing with my husband has brought up that feeling. When we're out and he knows the people we're with but I don't, like a work function for him or when he was involved with the Free Masons and we'd go to functions. I am shy which makes me socially awkward a bit, and my husband is very much not that way. So, I was brooding for a bit on Saturday when we were at a work party (his work) and he was laughing and joking about inside jokes with his work friends. I felt very invisible and awkward. There are so many little moments in life that make me feel like that. It dawned on me that this began long ago, when I was young and living in the house with my parents and sister. I was often talked over and many times when I did get a word in edgewise, it was discounted or even made fun of for what I said, to the point where I ended up not knowing what to say around people because I was so worried I'd be judged for what I said. That is a scar that can only heal from the inside; I can't ask my husband to only pay attention to me because I'm shy and my childhood left me damaged. He, being the gracious man he is, would make efforts to comfort that in me if he knew, but it's not his job, it's my job to fix those outdated feelings.
The other thing I figured out is that the whole feeling overwhelmed and "dumped on" is my fault too. I am horrible at saying no. And not just that, I will put myself out instead of asking for help when I do feel overwhelmed. I've gotten a little better about this over time, but not nearly as good as I should be at this age. It's all about boundaries. And when I listened to Geneen Roth speaking about who I'm taking myself to be, I realized that the dutiful, out of the way, be seen and not be heard daughter is a role I assumed early on in life in an effort to get love, or at very least, avoid negative attention. So there's another thing I opened up for examination recently, and the more I discover, the easier it will be to start re-conditioning some of my responses. One of Geneen's lessons is about boundaries, and she teaches a practice of putting a string around yourself on the floor. It can be whatever size you need it to be based on how big of a boundary you feel you need from the world. Inside your boundary, you have the right to say no. You have the right to demand that no one enter who you did not invite; that no one touch you or even talk to you if you don't want. It's about claiming your space and setting your boundaries. As much as I thought that was a brilliant idea when I first read about it, I haven't done it. I don't even think it has to be a physical practice, it can be meditative. In my mind I draw a circle around my body and no one may give, take, speak or do anything to me unless I give them permission. How empowering is that?!
Anyway, it has been a period of very pensive reflection and I do think all of these tiny realizations are going to add up to some big healing! I've been waiting for this since I was a child. It's time to explore and expand and get rid of some antique ideas that are no longer serving me. I'm setting new boundaries and reframing things so my mind isn't always such a mess. It feels very liberating.
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