Today was different than yesterday, in that I didn't think about food as much as yesterday. I knew it was there and knew I could eat it whenever I want. I had a Lara bar when I woke up, which is in my normal repertoire of foods anyway. By the time I was leaving the house 2 hours later, I wasn't hungry at all, but needed to get some gum at the gas station and they just happened to have a chocolate frosted, custard-filled long john doughnut. I almost didn't buy it, because I wasn't hungry ( I wasn't full but I wasn't hungry either), but I got it. I guess the tricky thing about this is that there is a tendency to mistake it for an all-bets-are-off type of eating, which is in it's way liberating I guess, but doesn't help me learn anything or progress.
When I got to work, there were all my goodies plus the leftovers from our catered lunch yesterday (Qdoba, the BEST tortilla chips on the planet!). I didn't eat anything for a couple hours, but I had an energy drink because today I actually was sluggish. Work was busy and I was also trying to get caught up on some major projects on my plate right now, so my attention was diverted. 10am used to be a scheduled eating time for me (that whole bodybuilding mentality, every 3 hours so your metabolism stays revved up). But that rule is for if you are eating clean, not if you are eating doughnuts and Doritos and cookie dough. Nevertheless, without putting much thought into it, I went and grabbed the cookie dough. I took a bite, then reminded myself to let it warm up. I ate the rest of it by 12:30, when a coworker came to relieve me for a lunch break. Again, not hungry, not full, there was a small pot-luck lunch for one of our doctors so I grabbed a little plate of cheesy potatoes 4 Ritz crackers and 4 slices of cheese, and a strawberry drizzled with some chocolate and a dab of yogurt. Then I grabbed a handful of those Qdoba chips, which still taste remarkably good the next day, with their little lime and salt flavor bliss. Honestly, it's a little like having a margarita on a chip! It was an OK lunch. I got pretty full by the time I took my belly off the table. I didn't eat for the rest of my work day, I had no desire to. When my kids begged to stop at a gas station for a F'real shake, I easily passed up any junk food even though I was finally starting to feel genuinely hungry. I had an organic vegan burrito for dinner, and the warm, easy-to-digest beans and rice made me feel good. And that is the feeling I've been searching for. I am learning little by little. I don't like how heavy I feel when I eat so much junk, but right now is about the spirit not the body. And it's about my mind, where the real problem is, and the only place it can be fixed. I feel like, if I keep following, digging, liberating, I'll finally have the tools to get this old body back into a working machine. Until then, I sure hope I don't completely damage what's left of my health doing this! I know my mind needs this, but my body doesn't need any extra burden.
Not going to think about my weight, just gotta keep working on staying mobile, and staying conscious of what and why I'm eating.