Thursday, January 15, 2015

Blah

Yesterday was a day that just felt heavy.  I worked at a different office than the one I normally work, and I just don't like working there.  For one, the lighting is so much darker than the office where I typically work, which makes me feel like I'm in someone's basement.  And when I work there I feel like I am cleaning up someone else's problems and messes when I've already worked really hard to keep my own office nice and orderly and running smoothly.  It makes me feel like a maid and a one-woman complaint department.  I cope with the stress of it by eating until I'm uncomfortable. Eating to the point of where I'm not really tasting the chewy Sprees I am shoving in my mouth, and I am not enjoying them (especially how they make painful sores on the inside of my cheeks) but I'm still edgy so I'm still eating. That level of uncomfortable doesn't allow for numbness.  And even though the bloated balloon-gut is there begging me to stop I can't get over how much I dread working there.  It's my mental trip that I need to get past, even though I only work there once every couple months or so.  
When I got home from work I was still looking for food, telling myself that I hadn't eaten a "real meal" since I had lunch at 1pm.  But nothing we had in the house sounded good and I started contemplating ordering pizza, the ultimate comfort food.  I melted some cheese over some tortilla chips instead and lived.  
I was irritated at how something so trivial could continue to affect me, but it did.  
Later, before bed I tried to meditate and came up blank, so I did some yoga and then went on Facebook for a minute.  A friend and former coworker came on and told me that she'd gotten home from the dr a few hours earlier and was diagnosed with colon cancer, but wouldn't know the prognosis until today.  I still haven't heard from her, and I will respect her wish to tell the news when she is ready.  But it has my head swimming.  Today I was so aware of all the anti-inflammatory info about sugar out there.  I am a slave to sugar.  Sometimes I wonder how anyone can completely swear it off and walk away clean.  I know when I am eating low-carb I crave it a lot less, but there are times when it feels like I gotta have it.  
My dilemma right now is this:  I am on my beginning of this journey for truth, and I do believe the truth will eventually liberate me from my compulsive eating, but my mind is fighting it telling me I need to get off sugar and junk food.  My brain is fighting against me, wanting to revert to the old thinking.  I am only in the rebellion phase, eating what I feel I can't or shouldn't have, but I am realizing that certain parts need to be more committed.  I break all the rules, and put such little thought into it.  I need to be more aware instead of just trying to numb myself without exploring why .  With my dad's heart issues and my friend's cancer issue, I know I need to pay better attention to my health.  I have been so tired again, and I still feel like something is wrong, but I am sick of doctors and trying to find time for appointments just to be told to eat vegetables and exercise more.  Yes, I'm sure these things would be beneficial and I would never deny that.  
Anyway, my eyes have been driving me crazy lately so I am going to have an eye exam tomorrow with a new doctor.  There is a lot that the eyes can tell you about your health, maybe I'll learn something about it tomorrow.  
My health is important to me, but it seems that I have to detach from it temporarily while I give my mind some love.  I can't fix one without the other.  
Oh!  What a luxury to have such small problems!

2 comments:

  1. Taking care of ourselves is so hard, isn't it? I mean when the stresses come (an office or whatever) we try to take care of ourselves, but it comes in a way that has us not taking care of ourselves in another aspect. It gets so cyclical. And hard. I like the phrase you used..."giving my mind some love". I need more of that. And my heart and my soul. Seems that is the way to everything else. Thanks for the reminder.

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    1. It is a struggle, a war against so many conflicting thoughts and issues. After reflecting on things a bit, I feel confident in fixing my mind. If I start another diet and give up on exploring what makes me turn to food, I already know the result of that; a year from now, after losing a little weight, I would be complaining that I can't get back on track and how much of a loser I feel like for not being able to lose weight as quickly as I wish I could.

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