When I got home from work I was still looking for food, telling myself that I hadn't eaten a "real meal" since I had lunch at 1pm. But nothing we had in the house sounded good and I started contemplating ordering pizza, the ultimate comfort food. I melted some cheese over some tortilla chips instead and lived.
I was irritated at how something so trivial could continue to affect me, but it did.
Later, before bed I tried to meditate and came up blank, so I did some yoga and then went on Facebook for a minute. A friend and former coworker came on and told me that she'd gotten home from the dr a few hours earlier and was diagnosed with colon cancer, but wouldn't know the prognosis until today. I still haven't heard from her, and I will respect her wish to tell the news when she is ready. But it has my head swimming. Today I was so aware of all the anti-inflammatory info about sugar out there. I am a slave to sugar. Sometimes I wonder how anyone can completely swear it off and walk away clean. I know when I am eating low-carb I crave it a lot less, but there are times when it feels like I gotta have it.
My dilemma right now is this: I am on my beginning of this journey for truth, and I do believe the truth will eventually liberate me from my compulsive eating, but my mind is fighting it telling me I need to get off sugar and junk food. My brain is fighting against me, wanting to revert to the old thinking. I am only in the rebellion phase, eating what I feel I can't or shouldn't have, but I am realizing that certain parts need to be more committed. I break all the rules, and put such little thought into it. I need to be more aware instead of just trying to numb myself without exploring why . With my dad's heart issues and my friend's cancer issue, I know I need to pay better attention to my health. I have been so tired again, and I still feel like something is wrong, but I am sick of doctors and trying to find time for appointments just to be told to eat vegetables and exercise more. Yes, I'm sure these things would be beneficial and I would never deny that.
Anyway, my eyes have been driving me crazy lately so I am going to have an eye exam tomorrow with a new doctor. There is a lot that the eyes can tell you about your health, maybe I'll learn something about it tomorrow.
My health is important to me, but it seems that I have to detach from it temporarily while I give my mind some love. I can't fix one without the other.
Oh! What a luxury to have such small problems!