Decisions Decisions

I am at a crossroads right now, being pulled in two different directions, and my mind is struggling to make sense of it a all.  

I am a follower by nature.  I never want to be the first one in line, the first one on the bus, the first one out of the gate.  That's not to say that I not capable of leading, but it wouldn't be natural.  Following gives me structure.  South Beach diet says I can't eat carrots or corn in the first phase.  Geneen Roth says I need to stop eating after I have enough.  If there is structure, there is less guesswork and if there's less guesswork, there's less of a chance I'll screw something up.  Geneen Roth would say that means I don't trust myself enough, that I feel as, if left to my trust my instincts, I will destroy myself.  south Beach diet says that eating those sugars will keep me on the blood sugar rollercoaster and it is really tough to get off.  I am stuck somewhere in the middle, I know that I need to detox from the junk, but if it feels like restriction and deprivation it won't last.  

The weekend was one bit glut festival for me.  I have been buying and eating things in front of my husband that I wouldn't have been comfortable eating in front of him in the past.  I know he is concerned about my health, and I know he doesn't understand why, knowing what I know, I allow myself those things.  I don't feel like explaining it to him each time, I have been trusting him to trust me when it comes to my body.  I'm not naive enough to believe that it only concerns me, I know my health effects my whole family.  I believe in the Geneen Roth method, but when will I cross over from rebellious stage to the part where I start wanting the healthy food as a way to love myself??!  In the book she asks readers to give it a year.  I don't feel like my health can take that kind of hit.  I am noticing more signs of iron deficiency, white lips and eyelids, tiredness, aches, and I don't want to go back on supplements, the gastritis was torture!  But I do want to start healing myself through food.  I put a little research into what foods I can eat to boost my iron, and I even learned that iron absorption issues can be caused by a magnesium deficit, and one easy way to boost it is by taking a bath with Epsom salts.  I had a nice lunch with my husband and son and had some chicken.  I don't eat meat, but I wanted to see if it changed the coloring in my lips and underneath my eyelids.  It did slightly.  Not enough to make me eat meat regularly.  And it just tasted OK, nothing to write home about.  So I know I have this issue and I want to fix it.  

I bought some Epsom salt and had a nice soak while also using a mud mask on my face.  I felt really pampered and that makes me more aware of my body and what it deserves.  I was fully engaged in body mode.  

So I watched the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead 2.  If you haven't seen the first one (same title without the 2) it is well worth the watch, and the second one is just as good.  Basically this guy Joe, over 300 pounds and on all kinds of medications, decides to take matters into his own hands and detox his body from all the garbage he's been feeding it his whole life.  He drinks only juiced fruits and veggies for 60 days, and cures himself of all the ailments he had, and drops down to 220#.  He looks good, has a ton of energy, even his skin is glowing.  He starts spreading the word and helping others. It started a huge juicing craze, even my husband bought a juicer.  The idea behind juicing is that it takes a boatload of produce to get an 8oz glass of juice, but in that 8 oz is more nutrients than you could comfortably eat in one sitting.  Juicing streamlines the nutrients into you.  He isn't secretive about the first couple days, which he describes as a certain sort of torture, but after day 3 or 4 a bunch of amazing things happen, your senses become heightened, you sleep better, you have more energy, you feel great.  So says the movie.  Once you have gone through a juice "reboot" ( you can also opt to eat only fruits and veggies instead of juicing) your body has been naturally reset to crave healthy foods instead of other stuff.    I had the same reaction to the second movie as I did when I watched the first one a couple years ago: I gotta try this!  

But the battle in my mind was still flip-flopping, it is just another form of deprivation, but so is South Beach and when I get off sugar I stop craving it so bad.  I could do a reboot AND Geneen Roth together.  No, Geneen says not to combine deprivation with Breakin Free.. The argument goes on in my head.

While still trying to digest all the thoughts and feelings, I spotted another documentary called Vitality.  I watched it. Really, this is what matters, having the health and energy to do what I want to do in life.  Vitality is the result of balance between diet, exercise, sleep and mindset.  I particularly like how they compared our current medical system, which makes doctors wealthier the sicker we are, to an ancient method from Asia, where doctors were paid a monthly fee to keep people healthy, and if the doctor allowed the person to become sick, he was not paid.  It made me realize how my frustration with my own doctor is simultaneously valid, but not unexpected, these modern doctors don't have the time or knowledge to treat patients holistically.  This movie was essentially showing how to try to balance out the four areas, but also showing how they are interconnected.  Until you have a diet that is healthy, you will not have the intended or necessary energy to get ample exercise.  Without a good diet and exercise, your hormones will not be balanced and you will not sleep as well as you should.  It's difficult to have a good mindset when you are nutrient or sleep-deprived.  You get the picture.  It all seems to stem from the diet, as we have heard time and again.  Diet is 80% of your physique, exercise is another 15% and genetics the other 5%.  So it is said. You can change your physique by altering your diet alone, but you cannot change it simply with exercise (assuming you don't already eat an ideal diet).  This is why I am considering doing a reboot.  I cannot drink all of my calories, I would have to eat them, but I'm thinking about it.  The answer to my Geneen "rule" of not combining a diet with her method is that, Geneen found her own way to stop abusing herself with food, through deep inner reflection, a fantastic support system and chocolate.  It was rebellious because she found her own way.  So maybe it's time I find my own way instead of following this time.  Who else is qualified to tell me what's going to work for me?  

While I was all excited and wanted to rush into this starting tomorrow morning, I allowed logic to return and realized I just spent a bunch of money on groceries and I will use them up this week (they are mostly South Beach friendly) and that will give me time to prepare for the reboots, decide if I really want to go through with it, and plan what I will buy.  I am going to California in a month, I don't want to slow my family down because I am not fit enough to keep up with them.  I don't want anything interfering with our enjoyment of what I hope will soon be our new home state!

Ah another long post.  What can I say, watching stuff like that gets me fired up.