My sweet vacation brought me back to a good place, restoring sanity and a little bit of calmness I had been lacking most of the year.  Then I went back to work and man!  It has been so busy at work.  I don't mind working hard, but the mental effect of having so much work that I can't get caught up with one thing before the next load drops on me, that's just one of the aspects of my job that is mentally exhausting.  I feel like I am doing the work that 2 people should be doing, not one and the demands come at me from all angles.  I do think that the end of June will bring about some sort of balance for me at work though, as vital flex spending month ends and we settle into the hot, dry part of summer. 
Yesterday someone posted a video with Arnold Schwarzenegger's words about the keys to success.  I am a strange mix of person, both drawn into personal story and inspired, but still skeptical.  The video flows through different, really flattering photos of him when he was younger and in competetition shape.  Of course, the message is that you have to go after what it is that truly makes you happy, don't mind the naysayers, don't be afraid to fail and work really really hard for what you want.  There is a quote that he admires and I paraphrase, that he only starts counting reps when it starts to hurt because that's where the benefits come in.  I gave up the dream of looking like a fitness model many years ago, and maybe my next little thought process is part of why.  Arnold, as fit and dedicated of a man as he is, doesn't look like that today.  Our bodies age and change, the muscle belly isn't the same, the hormones aren't the same (and yes, years of steroid use has it's toll).  But what I think really struck me is that feeling that, in order to keep what you have, this beautiful physique that he worked so hard for, you have to keep working harder and harder to fight against nature at some point.  In the case of body builders it is really hard on the body, damaging for the tendons and I won't even mention the damaging effects of prolonged steroid use.  What I mean is, that kind of digging deep is just not where I'm at mentally, and for my own self, it doesn't seem sustainable to me.  I can't see myself caring or wanting to lift hundreds of pounds or push myself til I hurt when I'm in my 70's.  I don't like hurting and I don't care enough about how I look to put myself through all that.  In fact, my goal it to have the least amount of pain as I age, to move gracefully and confidently.  I don't disregard the need for strong muscles, and I know that video was meant to inspire people to wake up and push for what they want, I just chose to focus on the dark side of it, that all of that pushing can only last for a while.  Maybe that's why I was never successful at sticking to any strict regimen for very long.  Pushing is resistance.  Why am I resisting?  Because it's not what's natural to me.  I was always doing it to acheive something I thought would make me happy.  I never got to the fitness model physique, I did tone some nice muscle and felt stronger, but the end I was seeking always felt like a fantasy and eventually it lost it's draw for me.  To this day, I'm not a huge fan of strength training and I know KNOW it is what my body drastically needs in order to live my new dream of moving gracefull and effortlessly as I age.  So that little mental block has to be overcome and I think this summer will be a good leap forward in that. 
This morning, as I was thinking back over some experiences I've had recently, and wondering why they happened, I drew a tarot card and it was the card Strength. 

The meaning is what you would think, that I have a great deal of strength, that I will need to use it in peaceful ways and that I am moving into a time where I will have great strength to acheive goals and surmount obstacles in the near future.  Since it based in the astrological sign of Leo, July is an active time.  I think that means, for me, that I will be able to finally put some things behind me and get in gear on working toward my goals.  I feel a quiet sort of strength and confidence rising in me lately and I am looking forward to testing this reading. 
I am eating pretty good as far as lower-carb goes.  Cucumber salad with hard boiled eggs for lunch, greek yogurt with blueberries for breakfast, nuts and cheese for snacks, dinner is supposed to be veggie burgers but they've been tasting different, not as good as they used to so that's the one that's hardest for me to stick to.  Last night I had a turkey sandwich instead.  I will do better today.  Like a lot of things, it's a mental hurdle to get over.  This one can be fixed with a whole heap of onions and mustard! 
So that's my life right now.  Not too exciting just yet, but as far as the long haul goes, I think I'm doing alright, at least by my own standards.  And that's all that really matters isn't it?


Popular Posts