What do I REALLY want?

The end of 2017 and the start of 2018 had my family in a bit of a funk.  I lost one uncle on my dad's side, and nearly lost one on my mom's side, I turned 45 on a day that had more stress and irritation than it should have, my sons were struggling with emotions and issues, and things just felt "off".  Life is like that sometimes.  I know it always shifts back, but the murky stuff in the middle feels like it takes so long to wade through, doesn't it? 
My shift began, at least in part, on New Years Day, rather, night.  After a full day of geeking out on genealogy (bliss!) I remembered that I was "signed up" for a webinar via Facebook Live.  It was given by JP Sears.  You might recognize him as the commedian or YouTube personality.

It turns out, he has been a life coach for 17 years.  Who knew?  His webinar was called something like "Woke AF: 3 and 1/2 steps to design the life you want in 2018"  I felt in need of any kind of inspiration I could get so I watched.  I was not disappointed; it did inspire me.  I would definitely recommend it.  You can find him on Facebook and there is a link to the webinar- it is free.  I could never do it justice to list a few things in a blog, but it lays out clear steps to determining what it is you want; not what you feel you ought to want because of pressure from someone else or society or by shallow things like image/popularity, but truly want at your core. For instance, if you say you want to lose weight, that is a surface thing.  It is the WHY that helps you see what it is that you truly want.  Do you want to lose weight because you feel unworthy; because you are lonely; because you crave acceptance?  I would guess that a lot of people are like me, they want to lose weight because we think that is where happiness lives, but happiness is separate from weight.  You can simplify your desire into, I want to feel happy!  or I want to feel inner peace! or whatever it is for you.  Then you have to own the fact that you have the power to make that happen, and look at what you can do every day to make it start to happen.  I think the two that I long for are to feel good physically and to have inner peace (quiet that no one can shake).  Naming it, and knowing that neither one of those is reliant on eating kale for every meal, gives me a starting point.  I have also added to this in a way, because there have been a lot of times recently that I have noted feeling not very good emotionally.  Today, feeling over-tired, slightly irritable, and just flat, I asked myself, 'what is standing in the way of me feeling good right now?'  I immediately noticed all the physical stiffness and small aches that I had and started to do some stretches.  As the physical aches began to lessen, my mood also brightened.  Moving with less pain made me feel lighter and happier.  I did not lose weight in those 15 minutes, I was not suddenly skinny, but I felt considerably better.  So good, that it made me think about trying to do these things more often.  Not because someone else would be impressed or because society tells me I should, but because it felt good and I like feeling good, and I deserve to feel good. 
So maybe it sounds a little absurd to think maybe I was not sure exactly what it was that I wanted all those years I was bouncing from diet to diet, but one thing I know now is that it didn't really make me happy, and as it turns out, that's what I was looking for, I was just seeking it in the wrong place. 


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