Blossoming
Could be a hormonal shift back to sanity, or maybe because I conquered driving on icy roads two days in a row without losing my composure, but I have been feeling pretty good since Monday. I have been practising my breathing exercises, which I may post in a separate post in case anyone else wants to do them. The way my therapist explains it, you want to give yourself as many calm and relaxing sensations as you can, so that you can see the difference between what your normal daily stress feels like and these moments when you are purposely taking a break from that stress. That way, when stress arises (or anxiety/panic for me) you can use the same breathing techniques to help self-soothe. So my assignments are two different kind of breathing techniques, a muscle relaxation technique and some brief guided meditations.
It got me thinking, what else makes me feel good; what is standing in my way of feeling good and what can I consistently do to help myself feel good? I actually made a list of things that prevent me from feeling good, and steps I can take to minimize those things or fix them. Organization in my home, stretching, even repeating a morning mantra or affirmation are all things that made the list, along with checking out the things causing me health anxiety, and making peace with my childhood/parents. The goals are tangible; true, deep things that stand in my way to feeling mentally good. I know what some of them are because the dark ball of yuck that creeps up into my throat when I think about them, like they are holding my mind and body hostage, and I'm curled up inside like a small child cowering in the corner. It's like I've been waiting my whole life for my mother to let some light in, when really I am the only one who can pull back the blinds and decide to feel the sun spill into my inner room. I have that power. And maybe someday I can teach my mom how to do that for herself.
Food has been a non-issue this week, except for Monday after the appointment, when I was still very emotional and ate some jelly hearts. The more I am in my head with positive, healing thoughts and goals, the less I want or need to comfort-eat. Even this morning, while needing to make a quick stop at the corner grocery on my way to work, I was thinking about gummy bears and how good they taste ( and I have been craving them a lot in the past 6 months or so). I quick checked my physical hunger to be sure I was not hungry (I wasn't) and I made myself aware that this was a bad habit I'd picked up recently, so many times when I go to that particular place I end up getting gummy bears to eat at work where no one can judge me. I thought about what it was that I was intending to have the gummy bears do for me, make my day more special, give me energy, reward myself for the anticipated hard work I am going to have to do on what usually ends up one of the most mentally-challenging days at work, comfort me for the anxiety I have about my husband's upcoming trip to Chicago this weekend? Maybe a little of all of those. Then I pressed myself further to ask if eating gummy bears was reall going to help with any of that and I knew it wouldn't. I wasn't even particularly craving them, and I have a hard time just eating a couple, so I always end up getting a horrible feeling in my stomach from them. By the time I got to the store I had actually turned myself off about them, just thinking about how they make my stomach feel. And I know from experience, that I can change the neural pathways that link that place with gummy bears and the anticipated sensations, good and bad, simply by not buying gummy bears when I go there. Habits can be broken this way, by thinking through them and realizing they won't do what I'm hoping they will. That's the mindful way of dealing with my eating issues. I have always known that it was my mind that was keeping me from succeeding at being a healthier weight, but I think the constant yo-yoing/dieting was fighting against me digging down deep into that dark well to pull up the treasure from the muck. I have known since high school psychology class, more years ago than I care to think of, my life and affect were not exactly "normal" or well-adjusted and after majoring in psychology and human development in college, I became very aware of how badly I needed to get counselling someday. I am so happy I am finally taking this chance to heal. I do feel like the sun finally started shining in the middle of a monsoon, and soon I will begin to fully feel its warmth and light and I will blossom!
It got me thinking, what else makes me feel good; what is standing in my way of feeling good and what can I consistently do to help myself feel good? I actually made a list of things that prevent me from feeling good, and steps I can take to minimize those things or fix them. Organization in my home, stretching, even repeating a morning mantra or affirmation are all things that made the list, along with checking out the things causing me health anxiety, and making peace with my childhood/parents. The goals are tangible; true, deep things that stand in my way to feeling mentally good. I know what some of them are because the dark ball of yuck that creeps up into my throat when I think about them, like they are holding my mind and body hostage, and I'm curled up inside like a small child cowering in the corner. It's like I've been waiting my whole life for my mother to let some light in, when really I am the only one who can pull back the blinds and decide to feel the sun spill into my inner room. I have that power. And maybe someday I can teach my mom how to do that for herself.
Food has been a non-issue this week, except for Monday after the appointment, when I was still very emotional and ate some jelly hearts. The more I am in my head with positive, healing thoughts and goals, the less I want or need to comfort-eat. Even this morning, while needing to make a quick stop at the corner grocery on my way to work, I was thinking about gummy bears and how good they taste ( and I have been craving them a lot in the past 6 months or so). I quick checked my physical hunger to be sure I was not hungry (I wasn't) and I made myself aware that this was a bad habit I'd picked up recently, so many times when I go to that particular place I end up getting gummy bears to eat at work where no one can judge me. I thought about what it was that I was intending to have the gummy bears do for me, make my day more special, give me energy, reward myself for the anticipated hard work I am going to have to do on what usually ends up one of the most mentally-challenging days at work, comfort me for the anxiety I have about my husband's upcoming trip to Chicago this weekend? Maybe a little of all of those. Then I pressed myself further to ask if eating gummy bears was reall going to help with any of that and I knew it wouldn't. I wasn't even particularly craving them, and I have a hard time just eating a couple, so I always end up getting a horrible feeling in my stomach from them. By the time I got to the store I had actually turned myself off about them, just thinking about how they make my stomach feel. And I know from experience, that I can change the neural pathways that link that place with gummy bears and the anticipated sensations, good and bad, simply by not buying gummy bears when I go there. Habits can be broken this way, by thinking through them and realizing they won't do what I'm hoping they will. That's the mindful way of dealing with my eating issues. I have always known that it was my mind that was keeping me from succeeding at being a healthier weight, but I think the constant yo-yoing/dieting was fighting against me digging down deep into that dark well to pull up the treasure from the muck. I have known since high school psychology class, more years ago than I care to think of, my life and affect were not exactly "normal" or well-adjusted and after majoring in psychology and human development in college, I became very aware of how badly I needed to get counselling someday. I am so happy I am finally taking this chance to heal. I do feel like the sun finally started shining in the middle of a monsoon, and soon I will begin to fully feel its warmth and light and I will blossom!
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