Stop me if you've Heard This one Before
My silence on this blog is probably understood as me not restricting, which by each and every kind of diet logic means I feel like some sort of massive failure, but somehow I feel, after all this time and all these attempts, this chaotic, nonsensical behavior has become my version of "normal".
Life is still going on. My husband has been stricken with influenza and it is horrible. I switched dentists and finally see the light at the long and torturous tunnel. Work is going fairly smoothly.
Food. Food is still this thing that trips me up. I am eating all kinds of stuff when I'm not hungry. I am just eating stuff because it's around, I'm not even waiting for a craving anymore. It really does make me feel like I can't trust myself, like I am too undisciplined even to do mindful eating. But that's a bit misleading because I haven't really even been trying. I know part of my struggles are due to menopause, as I am in the early stages of hormonal changes. Now on top of me trying to figure out my brain, I'm also worried about the new high blood pressure guidelines because I typically run about 138/80 which puts me in the high blood pressure range. I am not against medicating for it, at some point I feel like I just have to succumb to what needs to happen because I cannot rely on my own self to do healthy things for myself. I called to schedule my yearly physical, I am overdue since December when my doctor (who I loved) took a promotion and moved to the hospital and is no longer seeing patients for routine care (boo!) wouldn't you know it, the doctor I chose does not have any new-patient physical exam openings until OCTOBER!!! And so many doctors at my clinic are like this, so I may end up having to reschedule with a practical nurse in order to get in earlier. I really don't like letting it go so long in between visits. Health stuff scares me, even though lately I have been hearing that different parts of me are "very healthy" gum tissues, blood flow in the eyes, even heart calcium scoring. Having high blood pressure scares me, but not enough to change my ways. Ugh!
Maybe I am being too hard on myself. This is in huge part, caused by the diet mentality. I didn't stick to a super restrictive diet and lose a bunch of weight so I am a weak, horrible person, right? That kind of thinking sucks and I would like to think I am smarter than that! It is a gut-reaction though. And the fact that I am already assumed unhealthy due to my weight, now the blood pressure thing will make me look extraordinarily unhealthy. Labels labels labels. Knowing I can change all this does not motivate me because I already know the end result of me trying to be strict and calculated. It's not natural to me so it's not sustainable. If I could just somehow get to the point where I don't eat when I'm not hungry, I would be fine. I know that is a design of mind, and being more aware, not necessarily willpower.
I have been thinking about hynosis. There are a few clinics in my area that offer it but it seems really expensive, and it's not something that you can just do once and be good. You have to schedule "sessions" and be on a "treatment plan". What about those hypnotists who entertain, they just say a command and the person automatically acts that way. That's what I want, just command me not to eat when I'm not hungry and send me on my way. Oh! If only it were that easy. I do think I will mention it to my counselor when I see her again on Monday morning. I am looking forward to getting to the point in my therapy sessions where I actually feel that therapeutic effect. While I know my anxiety drives a huge part of my whole personality, including some of the compulsive and emotional eating, I would like both things addressed because both are making my life feel less enjoyable.
My favorite food-issues author, Geneen Roth, is set to release a new book next month called, "This Messy Magnificent Life" and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like right now is a time when I could really use some guidance. I know there are many amazing books out there to be read but for some reason I have always felt like Geneen understands some of the deep ugly things that make me do what I do, she "gets" people like me because she was like me/ is like me sometimes and her clear thoughts and helpful ideas are therapeutic. So I am going to pre-order the book and impatiently wait for it!
I have some great things to look forward to in the coming months (besides the new book), a visit to my hometown to see my bestie and my sister, a visit from my mom upcoming, and a dear, sweet distance cousin who I met last year via family tree research might come visit this spring or fall and we will meet for the first time! I am looking forward to spring so much this year that it's making me discount everything else. Maybe, more than anything, it is my attitude that needs adjusting. I'm not working on that as much as I should be. Of all the "shoulds" I put on myself, this is perhaps the most important one that could have the most dramatically positive result.
Life is still going on. My husband has been stricken with influenza and it is horrible. I switched dentists and finally see the light at the long and torturous tunnel. Work is going fairly smoothly.
Food. Food is still this thing that trips me up. I am eating all kinds of stuff when I'm not hungry. I am just eating stuff because it's around, I'm not even waiting for a craving anymore. It really does make me feel like I can't trust myself, like I am too undisciplined even to do mindful eating. But that's a bit misleading because I haven't really even been trying. I know part of my struggles are due to menopause, as I am in the early stages of hormonal changes. Now on top of me trying to figure out my brain, I'm also worried about the new high blood pressure guidelines because I typically run about 138/80 which puts me in the high blood pressure range. I am not against medicating for it, at some point I feel like I just have to succumb to what needs to happen because I cannot rely on my own self to do healthy things for myself. I called to schedule my yearly physical, I am overdue since December when my doctor (who I loved) took a promotion and moved to the hospital and is no longer seeing patients for routine care (boo!) wouldn't you know it, the doctor I chose does not have any new-patient physical exam openings until OCTOBER!!! And so many doctors at my clinic are like this, so I may end up having to reschedule with a practical nurse in order to get in earlier. I really don't like letting it go so long in between visits. Health stuff scares me, even though lately I have been hearing that different parts of me are "very healthy" gum tissues, blood flow in the eyes, even heart calcium scoring. Having high blood pressure scares me, but not enough to change my ways. Ugh!
Maybe I am being too hard on myself. This is in huge part, caused by the diet mentality. I didn't stick to a super restrictive diet and lose a bunch of weight so I am a weak, horrible person, right? That kind of thinking sucks and I would like to think I am smarter than that! It is a gut-reaction though. And the fact that I am already assumed unhealthy due to my weight, now the blood pressure thing will make me look extraordinarily unhealthy. Labels labels labels. Knowing I can change all this does not motivate me because I already know the end result of me trying to be strict and calculated. It's not natural to me so it's not sustainable. If I could just somehow get to the point where I don't eat when I'm not hungry, I would be fine. I know that is a design of mind, and being more aware, not necessarily willpower.
I have been thinking about hynosis. There are a few clinics in my area that offer it but it seems really expensive, and it's not something that you can just do once and be good. You have to schedule "sessions" and be on a "treatment plan". What about those hypnotists who entertain, they just say a command and the person automatically acts that way. That's what I want, just command me not to eat when I'm not hungry and send me on my way. Oh! If only it were that easy. I do think I will mention it to my counselor when I see her again on Monday morning. I am looking forward to getting to the point in my therapy sessions where I actually feel that therapeutic effect. While I know my anxiety drives a huge part of my whole personality, including some of the compulsive and emotional eating, I would like both things addressed because both are making my life feel less enjoyable.
My favorite food-issues author, Geneen Roth, is set to release a new book next month called, "This Messy Magnificent Life" and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like right now is a time when I could really use some guidance. I know there are many amazing books out there to be read but for some reason I have always felt like Geneen understands some of the deep ugly things that make me do what I do, she "gets" people like me because she was like me/ is like me sometimes and her clear thoughts and helpful ideas are therapeutic. So I am going to pre-order the book and impatiently wait for it!
I have some great things to look forward to in the coming months (besides the new book), a visit to my hometown to see my bestie and my sister, a visit from my mom upcoming, and a dear, sweet distance cousin who I met last year via family tree research might come visit this spring or fall and we will meet for the first time! I am looking forward to spring so much this year that it's making me discount everything else. Maybe, more than anything, it is my attitude that needs adjusting. I'm not working on that as much as I should be. Of all the "shoulds" I put on myself, this is perhaps the most important one that could have the most dramatically positive result.
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