Catharsis at length

My kids are on spring break from school this week so I took Wednesday and Thursday off to hang out with them.  It has kind of an emotional two days.  First of all, we got walloped by a snow storm Tuesday night.  A late-season snow is harder to swallow than other snow storms because we have been enjoying snowlessness and sunshine for about a month and it truly felt like spring was finally here.  Also, I had to brush off my good ole snow driving anxiety, which I felt I was making good progress moving on from.
I am trying to think things through before I allow myself to get emotionally triggered by habit, so when everyone was moaning, edgy, even swearing about it, I, for once in my adult life, tied to be the voice of reason, saying it’ll melt and it’s good for the farmers, etc.  mental victory even if I was not thrilled to see the snow.  It felt good to be positive about something instead of complaining. I even met one of my biggest challenges with uncharacteristic grace on Tuesday, a customer was being very rude and condescending (one of my biggest hot-buttons) and I kept my cool and told her I would not allow her to talk to me that way, and that I cannot help her until she calms down so we can talk.  It’s the best I’ve ever done at handling someone that mad.  Usually I lose my cool and end up raising my voice back in defense.  So that felt really good to say what I needed to say while remaining in control.
Wednesday was my physical exam, bright and early in the morning and the roads were still pretty messy but the clinic is close to home so it was manageable.  I distracted myself by thinking of all the things I needed to tell the nurse doing my physical.  I guess I should have more faith in medical professionals but I’m always afraid they’ll miss something.  The nurse was young and slender, almost too thin, and she seemed to have a pretty flat personality.  She asked me a battery of questions and I feel like I have so much quasi-wrong with me that I had to explain my answer to so many things.  Toward the end she took a quick look at my toes, because they are where I experience my symptoms of Raynaud’s phenomena, and mentioned that it could be Raynaud’s.  I didn’t feel like she was very concerned with any of my symptoms.  Moreover, my blood pressure was higher than I have seen it in a long time 159/94. It was another nurse who took the reading and the nurse doing my physical didn’t say anything about it.  That creeps me out, it’s a trend I don’t like, my blood pressure creeping up more and more.  While she was doing my breast exam she asked if I’d had anything  abnormal on my mammogram results and I told her they found a calcification on my very first one, but I went in for an additional scan and they said it was nothing to worry about.  Then she moved to the other side and started pushing over and over in the same spot as if she felt something bad and asked if that was the spot where they found the calcification.  I said I didn’t know, but I had a mammogram scheduled right after the physical.  Talk about making a lady panic!  I had to stop and have blood drawn first, testing for multiple stuff including thyroid, cholesterol, diabetes, iron levels, vitamin D and liver.  I will be honest, I’m worried about the glucose test because I was at the high end of normal last time and I’ve gained weight since then.  The mammogram went fine.  They are squeezing even harder than ever but I feel its worth a little discomfort considering how nervous the nurse made me.  Waiting is hard.  I do believe they call you the same day if you need to come back in so maybe that’s a good sign.  Anyway, part of me just wants to know what’s wrong so I can deal with it, and part of me really wants there to be nothing wrong so I can fix or prevent serious stuff happening.  I did not do so well with that last year but my mind is healing.
Speaking of which, my final appointment of the day was with my counselor.  It wa a great visit as always, I told her about my health anxiety and how I felt that, no matter what health ups and downs a person has, the most important part of being able to cope with them is having mental health.  So I said I was going to try my best to stop worrying about my test results until, and unless, there is something to worry about. I know I have work to do.  This is the same thing that happened with my teeth, I knew I wasn't caring for them properly, but 'got away' with it for a long time, having only minor needs.  Then I took a 12 year break from dentist appointments and I have a lot of needed repair work.  I shot my own self in the foot, I just thought I was somehow invincible.  Same with the rest of my health; not actively taking control of it is virtually the same as intentionally damaging it. 
Still, I don't have any results back yet so I can't start yelling at myself.  I have been thinking about what plan of action I can take to encourage myself to do more for my health.  hard core dieting and restriction or tracking calories is not going to be successful for me long-term.  If they were, they would have worked all the times I tried them. 
I decided to watch the first episode (two-parter) of My 600 pound life.  I have considered watching it so many times but was maybe wasn't feeling ready for the emotional roller coaster it would send me on.  I figured it would, at very least, inspire me.  It made me so sad.  The main character went through dramatic changes, going from 653 pounds down to 157 pounds at one point.  The massive amounts of skin was astounding to me, I felt so sad for her.  I know there must be some sad stuff a person is dealing with to get to that weight.  She had a lot of challenges, and her marriage was kind of falling apart, but she perservered.  The hardest part was hearing her say over and over, that every single day is a challenge; to stay positive, to keep on track.  Losing the weight wasn't a magic pill, it didn't make her happy like she expected it to.  I could sense a deep sadness in her even after all the personal victories.  Her husband was cheating and their relationship was already being redefined as he had to give up his role as caretaker for her.  She seemed somehow lost despite being thin.  Even though she had had surgeries to remove some of the extra skin there was still a lot left.  I was so emotional after watching it that it sort of threw me for the rest of the evening.  And I thought about my potential health issues, and I reminded myself that I have considered doing something drastic like a lapband or the baloon but I was smart enough to know that, drastic as those things are, that wouldn't prevent me from eating, it would just be an obstacle.  So again and again the universe is screaming that happiness and joy are not related to weight.  That says nothing about health, and I know what happens when I ignore my health.  I am not really sure what any of it means yet. I just wanted to get it all out for catharsis I guess.  Time usually makes things clearer, at least that's what I'm banking on! 


Popular Posts