Steering Wheel

I was sore nearly for 4 days after my leg/glute workout last week. I did still do a Peleton yoga class that week but for the most part, walking was all I could muster. I will say, a yoga instructor makes a huge difference. I am so used to how sweet and personable Adriene (at Yoga with Adriene on YouTube)is that it's hard to get into yoga with other instructors. Adriene always keeps in mind that we are not all coming to the mat from the same place so we may not all be able to go all the way into a certain position. The feeling I get from the Peleton app is that they assume the average user is between the ages of 25-35, with no pre-existing injuries, who just has those last five pounds to loose and then they'll be the picture of perfection. I shouldn't be salty at them. They are young and energetic and fit and even at 49 years, if I had taken better care of myself I could do all the things these instructors expect. There's jumping in most of the videos I have peeked at, which is not great for an arthritic knee. So I just sort of "bounce" instead of my feet leaving the ground. I am still struggling with consistency. I let myself off the hook for most of the end of last week and the beginning of this week because Aunt Flow came Saturday and the bloat was so painful that I felt like I wanted to cut my stomach off. I have been hitting 5,000 steps most days now that I am taking my dog for 2 decent walks each day. He has come to expect expect it. Honestly, there are times after work when I really don't feel like going, but he gets so excited so I cave. Once I get out there and start moving I usually feel fine and am happy to get more steps in, it's just that mental game I always play when it comes to exerting myself physically in the least. Food has been very half-hearted too. I failed to plan. The grocery store was out of my keto bread so instead of planning something else I used wheat bread this week. I'm not tracking, I haven't for a long time. I have eaten sweets and chips over the weekend and the chaos creeped into my week. I gave myself a pass because of Aunt Flow but I know if I am going to have success I need to figure our ways around that. I did buy sugar-free pudding mix and I did make it to overcome a sugar craving last week but after that I kind of gave up. And by that I don't mean I was off the rails. I would eat mostly planned stuff (except the wheat bread thing) but then instead of the planned afternoon snack I would eat chips. I have a hard time with appetite during my period. My stomach feels so bad that I just don't eat that much, and when I do, it has to ne appetizing, not something I am forcing my way through. I recently watched a Ted Talk about weight loss and the speaker said that most of our unproductive eating comes from 3 areas. She said we are typically trying to kill pain, escape or punishment ourselves. I thought about today when I saw a video of someone making these cookie-marshmallow-brownie things and the chocolate was dripping down the side, then she plopped a fresh scoop of vanilla ice cream down next to it. I don't really even like chocolate. It makes my mouth feel gross and makes your breath smell terrible. But after watching that, I wanted chocolate in the worst way. I ran downstairs and found the only thing in the house remotely close, some sugar-free, semisweet chocolate chips I bought on a whim without realizing they have EIGHT grams of sugar alcohol per Tablespoon! It is lucky sugar alcohol causes gastric distress when eaten in large (or even small) quantities, that saved me from polishing off half a bag. They tasted gross, like I expected, but the craving was "quenched". Then tonight as I was taking my dog out for his walk, I smelled fried food in the air and it made me want something greasy and fried, melted cheese maybe. I wasn't hungry or craving that before the smell. I wasn't in pain or needing to escape and I wasn't aware of any feelings of guilt. I was being triggered by my senses. when you have a pleasant experience with food, it becomes a food memory, and food memories present themselves in the most ideal way. I will use french fries as an example. We have all had the wonderful experience of having that one time when the fries were absolutely perfect; fresh and piping hot, slightly crisp on the outside, soft inside, with the perfect amount of salt. Whenever I see, smell, imagine fries I imagine they will taste like that. I have eaten way more fries that weren't perfect, cold or overcooked or just the afterthought of the meal, but my mind still pines for those perfect fries so as soon as they are an option I have to have them. Truth is, I really don't like fries that much. We have been eating out on the weekends and there are very few fries that I even want. This past weekend I opted for tater tots at one meal and soup on the side for another. I didn't miss the fries. My point is, the network of connections our brains have to food are biological, it's classical conditioning like Pavlov's dogs. I totally get where the Ted Talk speaker is coming from. I do eat when I am ashamed or upset but I have way more instances where I am not particularly bored or sad or stressed when I eat and usually something signals the trigger to me, a thought, a commercial, a smell, a conversation. This information I learned in the Brain Over Binge book and I just haven't put it to good use but I do think I am getting ready. Everything in its proper time. I have a good start on something good right now, it might not look how I wanted it to at this point but just the act of trying (even half-heartedly) puts me in the mindset of thinking about my body, mind and goals. I am not out of this yet, I just need to add more tools to my toolkit to fix my steering wheel.