Towanda!

For the past couple weeks I have felt like my focus was waning for this journey. Part of it was due to stress, but part of it is due to a loss and a gain in my life. More to come on that. I had mentioned in January about following the advice in a book called Fast Like a Girl by Mindy Pelz. If you watch her on YouTube, she's very informative, charismatic and full of energy. She has this system of varying what you are eating, how you fast and how you exercise based on the different hormonal stages of your cycle. The first month I tried it (January) I found myself really disliking the extra carbs, partly because it felt bad to do that to my body, partly because they didn't taste as good as I expected (Sweet potato with butter or butternut squash in my fajitas) and partly because it felt confusing for my brain. Not fasting during the 7-10 days before my period starts and avoiding strenuous workouts also added to me feeling like my focus and energy were being stolen from me. I spent the whole time praying for my period to come so I could get back to the food, fasting and choice of exercise I wanted. I decided pretty early on, that I wasn't going to add a bunch of carbs like she recommends. Sometimes I will have a Halo (mandarin) but I can't do a bunch of starchy sweet potatoes. This month I followed the fasting schedule but my period never came (or is very late if it is coming) so I have basically been on short fasts of 13 hours for 3 weeks and haven't worked out much since my contest ended March 15. If there's one thing I have learned through all my various weightloss trials, is that momentum can be very easily lost if you take your eye off the ball for one moment. I also know that when my gurus are preaching one thing then say another thing to the converse I lose faith. A couple weeks ago I was watching one of Mindy Pelz's videos where she was telling all the benefits of a 24-hour fast, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but then she said she recommends doing OMAD (one meal a day) for a while, meaning you fast for 24 hours, eat one meal then fast for another 24 hours. A lot of people eat this way, so that's not shocking but what bothered me is she has always stressed how important it is to vary the length of your fast so you get the benefit of hormetic stress and to lessen the likelihood of muscle loss and slower metabolism. It frustrates me when someone changes their advice so much and makes me lose faith in the principles in the book. So that was a loss of something that once felt like a valuable source of information and inspiration. So here I am in the middle of not having a fast longer than 13 hours in weeks and needing to get my butt exercising again, I had a fight with my bestie, missed my period, had a weird physical and got a Shingles shot that made me feel horrible for days. I finally felt a spark of energy this morning so I worked out, just walking in my basement but it was my favorite Peleton instructor and she always has a way of saying inspiring things without being cheesy. At one point she said, "With each step you take, you are stepping into your power." That hit me today because I have a habit of giving my power to others out of feelings of guilt or obligation. When I got done, my eyes were really opened to how much better I felt mentally from that 20 minute workout. Yesterday I started watching Fit to Fat to Fit on Hulu even though I have seen some of the episodes before. If you're not familiar with the show, personal trainers take on an obese client to try and help them lose weight but part of the deal is, the trainer has to put on a fair amount of weight first, then they go through the process of losing it together. It's always interesting to see trainers go from thinking fat people are just lazy, undisciplined slobs to really understanding how easy it is to get addicted to the foods and how hard it is to push yourself when it hurts. It makes the trainers much more compassionate. On one episode one of the clients was going to give up on a hard workout and the trainer said, "You cannot create change without challenge". It made me think about the lack of challenge I have allowed myself to justify for various reasons and they are all excuses. I was inspired again. My bestie tried messaging me again yesterday amd today and part of me was torn about whether or not I wanted to look at the messages. It drives me absolutely insane to see the notification alert on the app all day long but I really don't want to open up communications yet because she will rehash and rehash how terribly we treated her (because we didn't submit to her demands) and I really just don't need to be barraged with all this word-vomit that's only going to infuriate me further. Good things cannot come when you believe you are a victim and that's her mindset 100%. I am choosing to make change, to try and make my situation better by taking my health into my own hands because despite having a challenging relationship with my parents, I'm not helpless to change my life the way I want. So opening the messages from my friend feels like stepping back into that role of catering to someone else's needs while ignoring my own. I need more positive people in my life. I need peace and space to become the awesome person I am becoming. I choose to step into and reclaim my own power! I am not obligated to do anything for anyone, particularly things that don't make me happy. I'm not saying I'll never talk to her again but I will do it on my terms and when/if I am ready. That feels really empowering. So my focus now is getting back on a fasting schedule that I like, I am going to take control of how and when the same goes for my exercise. Man! I feel like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes when she gets inspired and takes back her power. Towanda! I won't intentionally crash my car into a bratty teenager's though! But, for real, instead of forcing myself into other people's plans I am going to make my own from a mixture of things I have learned. Who knows what's right for my body better than me? I just gave other people the power for so long that I stopped trusting myself to know what's right for me. It's high time I change that here and now!