Overcoming Obstacles

Last night, just before leaving work for the night, my mom sent a message that the results from her CT scan came back.  She is diagnosed with emphysema and they found a mass in one lung that they are not specifying until further inspection.  When I read it, despite knowing this was a posiblity, I felt all the color drain out of my body and I felt ill.  We all know smoking causes cancer and kills your lungs.  My mom began smoking at age 11 (the early 60's) and I think she was probably addicted long before studies came out that showed how dangerous it is for the body.  She has had a hard life, her parents were cold and abrasive, even (by today's standards) abusive, she had a largely unhappy marriage and two failed relationships after marriage, and now lives alone.  She signed her house over to my sister a little less than 5 years ago, to avoid losing the house if she ever got sick.  She must have known at that point.  She was able to cut back on smoking, down to a pack a week, but she has struggled her whole life to try to quit.  She also won't take the prescription drug to help her quit, she is against taking medicine in general. 
So here we are.  I told her it is better to know what's going on so she can figure out what tools she is going to need to fight back.  She is so worried sick that she will probably cause herself more stress, but I totally understand that.  My mind goes back and forth between feeling like there are methods to help her life a long time yet, and thinking this is the begininng of the end for her.  I have so much guilt for my sister taking it all on while raising a family and working and barely getting any sleep herself.  They live in the same city, I am a 90 minute drive away from them.  I feel pretty helpless. 
Trying to quickly absorb this information between the drive home, then heading to the chiropractor with my son, I was really having to talk myself through it, making sure I didn't open the floodgates of emotion as I had to get us to and through the chiropractor and make a quick stop at the neighborhood grocery to pick up a few things on the way home.  When we stopped at the store I was already hungry, hot and thirsty.  The usual thoughts popped into my head by habit I should get some ice cream or popsicles.  I did contemplate it and I sure do love cold things in my always-thirsty-and-hot mouth, but I passed.  I also thought about having a "special"(ie, junk) dinner to make me feel better, and I did pick up something special but it was a rotisserie chicken, healthy enough to keep me feeling good after eating it, but a change from the usual so it did feel special.  I had a small serving of the chicken, some 7 multi-grain chips with a little salsa and a small apple for dinner.  It felt good to know I made a good choice in the midst of some pretty heavy emotions, some of the heaviest, and that gives me hope for healing my broken mind where food is concerned.  The Brain Over Binge Recovery Workbook is working even though I'm not even halfway done.  I think I am going to need this information now more than ever!
I am drained from working overtime and often without a lunch break (we are beyond skeleton crew this week due to a medical leave and a vacation) but I still got up and hit the mat for day 11 of my 30 day yoga challenge.  This was a longer class, about 25 minutes, and even though it is a little more challenging than the shorter sessions, I actually feel like I get more out of the longer sessions.  We did another deep squat and guess what?  Today didn't feel nearly as challenging as the last time!  Maybe that is pure coincidence, or the fact that we only did one and it was a little shorter, but it made me happy.  I was dreading it when I saw her leading us there, but I knocked it out!  I am feeling stronger and more able in many ways.  Who knew yoga could be such an amazing gift for myself? 
On that note, I will leave with a picture of my new mat and block, they inspire and help me on my new, awesome journey.  No matter what obstacles are in my path outside of the yoga space, all that goes away when I'm on the mat. 


  1. I am so sorry your family is dealing with such tough stuff, but it sounds like you are managing.


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