Worried

I am going through one of those phases in life where food and weight are on the back burner, and I don't feel conflicted about it at all.  Over the past year I have been making an attempt again, I have lost about 15 pounds and that does make me feel good, but I fight with myself about being more commited or disciplined, then I remind myself that tough love isn't the way to get things done and has never motivated me; whether it was my mom or myself doing it.  I struggle with thoughts about aging and I'm terrified of being less mobile, less independent; a burden.  Yet, it isn't enough to motivate me to change. 
I guess right now I am just overwhelmed by my emotions as they relate to my mom.  About a year and a half ago, she was told she has COPD (she's a smoker) and she chose to deny it, thinking losing weight would make her healthy despite living off fast/processed/pre packaged foods and sometimes only eating once a day.  She thinks that walking will erase all the bad things going on inside her body.  So about a month ago (and she is still smoking a pack a week, which is better than it was but still smoking) she developed a nasty cough and rattle in her chest.  She kept trying all kinds of natural cures for allergies, still in denial about her lungs.  Then a couple weeks ago she started getting extreme exhaustion, to the point where she felt she wasn't sure her legs would support her if she tried to go for a walk, even to the corner of her block.  Then a couple weeks ago, about the time when the exhaustion set in, she started having problems with her brain.  Confusion, difficulty picking out a word, difficulty remembering dates or times, getting lost/disoriented while driving, etc.  My aunt finally got her to go into the walk-in clinic to have her head and lungs checked out.  They ran alot of tests and did xrays of her lungs and MRI on her head.  They found nothing.  But my mom was still feeling awful and the cough got so bad she felt like her ribs were cracked.  So she saw her doctor and more tests were run.  Her red blood cells are enlarged and they can't seem to find the cause.  She is having CT scan of her lungs to check for underlying cancer or emphysema and lung function testing to see where she's at (when the doctor checked her oxygen levels she was only at 91, 90 and under means you are not getting enough oxygen to function properly). We don't have results of any of those yet.  She will see a memory specialist in October.  She is scared and frustrated and is very ornery about the whole thing!  Her losing her independence is the biggest blow to her self esteem, I don't know how she'll handle it.  Meanwhile my sister has now been coordinating all her care, bringing to her to her appointments and doing the scheduling, making sure she is taking her medicine at the proper times, etc.  My sister is so depressed and overwhelmed and I feel so bad that I can't be there to help more.  They live in the same town, I am 90 minutes away from them.  Luckily my sister has a job where she can work from home and her schedule has a lot more flexibility than mine, but she doesn't sleep well/enough and I worry about her too. 
So that is where my mind is.  I look at my mom and how she is focusing on the wrong things, thinking if she can just lose 10 more pounds she will suddenly be healthy or "healed" somehow...I know it's denial because she wants to put the focus on something she can control, but she also still has the mentality that she can starve herself thin, but when the physical body asks for food, she gives it garbage.  McDonalds almost every day, tacos, pizza or sandwichesfrom the gas station, etc. It's so hard not knowing whats wrong or how to help.  When I talk to her I don't notice any memory issues, but my sister and aunt are around her and have said she is really struggling.  If this is early onset demetia or alzheimers that is extra scary because there will be genetic components to consider for my sister and I, aside from what it will be like in the remaining years of her life. 
It all has me thinking about aging and death and I realize I don't have any sort of peace with any of that, it still scares me so much.  I'm not ready to lose my mom, she's only 65.  Even though I have a lot of issues with her parenting methods, I do know that she loved and raised me the best way she knew how.  This whole incident makes me realize that as fragile as our egos are in
Had Kodiak Waffles with real syrup for breakfast, not what was planned, just felt like I needed something sweet to help me through this day.  I don't really care about food right now, I am seeking easy, tasty stuff.
Still reading Brain Over Binge Recovery Guide and I think it is going to be an absolute gem of a book, I may not be able to put it into practice right away since I am going through such a stressful time right now, but it really makes sense how we condition our brains into seeking reward, the foods that most activate the reward center of the brain are the very things we seek to avoid while on a diet, and by avoiding them it causes a sort of anxiety that is eventually released when we binge, along with feel-good opioids.  The brain learns to seek out those pleasureable activities and that leads to urges to repeat the behaviors.  You can break the cycle and I am just about to jump into the beginning of the recovery techniques so I will try and post more about it here. 
Anyway, I am glad I had a chance to write things out about my mom.  I am really worried and stressed out and writing helped!